how can people do this??

[nikky]

my mom works in the nicu at the women's hospital here in baton rouge. she said that this woman just had twins, a boy and a girl, and the girl has ds. she's taking the boy home, putting the girl up for adoption. how can this be legal! my heart is broken...

[mumofnoah]

i can totally relate to your broken heart. i guess the only thing we can do is pray for that woman. I know of quite a few situations where the same thing has happened here in Australia. It is so hard to understand how someone can do it but they do and I guess I am hoping that if the little girl is adopted that she will go to a family who absolutely treasure her.

[Emilysmom]

Nikky: That is really really sad, and I can't attempt to answer for anyone else. There is no possible way I could give away a baby of mine. I can't even begin to imagine it! This baby is going to be in my prayers!!
Susan

[christie]

Hmmmm my take on this is one can never really judge another without walking in their shoes for a while. That being said, if this Mom truly feels she cannot take care of the baby with DS, there are waiting lists for ones that can, that want to and this baby will be better off in the long run Or maybe just by the grace of God she will see its OK and keep her precious child. You know its never a done deal till its done.

True its sad that a MOM can reject her own baby BUT I give the woman credit for putting the baby up for adoption rather then just abandoning or neglecting the child.

I have been researching lots on children with DS for adoption lately and one thing I ran across tonight, I never knew...

"Some parents, who feel they cannot cope with the fact that their baby has Down's syndrome, want to talk through the possibilities of fostering or adoption with a hospital social worker. It is unusual that parents proceed with adoption once they have got to know their baby. However, approximately ten to 15% of couples do place their child for adoption or foster care." I have to say, if this is true, I had nooo idea 10 to 15% place their Babies with DS up for adoption

I am sure this precious baby girl will have lots wanting to adopt her and will really want her and take care of her. She will be in my prayers and Man if I could I would take her in a heart beat.

CC

[Emilysmom]

GREAT point Christie........I remember when I read "Choosing Naia", one of the things that really helped her parents make the decision to continue the pregnancy was after they discussed adoption. When they found out there was a waiting list for babies with Ds and that even babies with Ds with heart defects who were biracial would be adopted quickly, they really started to think about keeping the baby. Maybe this mother needed to just talk through her options.
~
Many many years ago, I adopted my sister's son because she simply was not able to take care of him. I have always thought that she acted selflessly because she thought about what was best for him and she knew she was not able to handle being a mother.

I agree Nikky.....it's very hard to hear about situations like this. I'm sure your mom hears about a lot of sad situations.

Susan

[momofrussell]

Although that mother did something most of us don't understand, I do agree that the baby will be MUCH better off with a family that loves and cares for her! If it were illiegal, then we'd have mothers taking kids home they didn't want and them abusing and killing them. Let someone who wants and loves them have them!

CC, I am a firm believer of walking in someone elses shoes... or trying to understand so to speak. I have had enough happen to me over the years, and I have enough faults No more or less then the next guy.

A.

[PaigesMom]

I think I have to agree with CC on this one. If that mother truly believes she can not care for this baby, or simply doesn't want to, then that is probably the best option - to give the baby to someone else who can and WANTS to.

I personally know of 2 families who came to our group after their children with DS were born and both families did give their children up for adoption. Most of the time, it came down to financial circumstances, and the fear of one or the other having to leave their jobs to care for the baby - ie. heart defects, hirschprungs disease, or just plain ole wanting to "be there" to attend therapies, etc. - and that was the final decision maker. One of these moms adopted out b/c her husband felt HE couldn't handle it, and she sacrificed her feelings for him, and she will never forgive herself. ALOT of different things go thru peoples heads.

I know I keep going back to this, but when Paige was born they STRONGLY SUGGESTED that we give her up for adoption. Told us she would be a burden, we would end up in divorce and financially destitute, she would never leave home and even if she "made it" to assisted living she would "never really leave us" like another child would. They actually gave us names of agencies that did DS adoptions. Because we were strong - even though they scared the cr** out of us, we kept our baby and believed that it would be ok. If I said it has all been peaches and cream, I'd be telling a non truth.

I guess in a nutshell, alot of this comes back to education about DS and the TRUTHS and FACTS, not the myths, and how important support groups can be especially in the very beginning.

Ok, now since I've rambled on and on..........everyone have a great Saturday!!

Debbie

[nikky]

i see what you all are saying, it's still sad to me though. i guess what really impacted it is that she CHOSE one baby over another. that just really grinded on my nerves. i still can't wrap my mind around that one. because when my mother tells me about babies with ds that are put up for adoption i think, "well, i hope they get a really sweet mum and dad!" and i usually move on. i just don't understand splitting the kids up. wow, and what explaination would they give?

i hope the baby gets a really understand, thoughtful, caring, and blessed family that loves her dearly!

[Claire]

I feel sad for the baby, but also for the mother and her family. They are missing out on the most wonderful experience of unconditional love. I'n not judging but we have 4 children and if all 4 had been born DS I would still have kept them. There may be a good reason for their decision, in my mind everything happens for a reason.

[wrblack]

I remember about 5 years ago discussing the possibility of adoption. One evening as we were driving home from NICU I said to my wife Lynn that it was interesting that Dr. P. had said there was a two-year waiting list for people who wanted to adopt specifically a Down syndrome baby. Lynn, quite cleverly, said, Hmm. So, I said if we were to put Charlie up for adoption my then 80-yr. old mother would shoot me. Lynn then said, no, I don't Nanny would shoot you. She'd just put you up for adoption. So, I said, you're part right. She wouldn't shoot me, too afraid of guns. But I don't think she'd bother putting me up for adoption, not much market for 50 yr. old bald men, she'd just abandon me, if I were lucky, on somebody's doorstep. End of discussion.
Yes, I agree with CC and others, usually shouldn't judge, especially when not knowing all the circumstances. But I also agree with Nikky. Really seems a shame to separate the twins. Not very nice, but maybe somebody should suggest to this new mother that if her parenting skills are so challenged then maybe she shouldn't break up the set, let whoever gets the baby girl have her brother also. Just my $.02. -- Bob

[Deannalee]

I will gladly and lovingly take this little girl into my home. I have been wanting to adopt a little girl with DS. We have too many boys here!!! If there is any info you can pass on to me about adopting her, please let me know. I have to say that if the Mom did not want to raise a child with DS, she probably would not have gotten the nurturing she truly needed anyway. This will give her the opportunity to thrive in a very loving home, I pray. But like I said, I would love to welcome her into my home! Thanks.

Deanna

[paulineuk]

Christie. I agree with you completely and you have expressed yourself very well. As a birth mum of three, adoptive mum of two and foster mum of over 300 I have learnt over many years not to condem any parent for giving up their child. In fact I often admire them for having the courage to admit they cannot look after the child and to realise he/she will be much wanted and loved in a new home. Much better they give a child up than to end up abusing it through their inability to parent it properly.
Of course I have also had some preadoptive babies and children fostered with me and then the mum or both parents realise how much they want to have their little one home and do so very sucessfully.
Pauline UK

[jeannette]

Wowwww! You all have some really good points. Being an identical twin myself, I personally couldn't see separating the two. My sister (who only lives 2 hrs away) and I are very, very close and she treats, my angel MeKyah like her own. I couldn't imagine growing up without her. Although the mom at this moment feel this is the right thing to do, she will probably grieve more if she gave it up for adoption than if she was to keep the child. My hat is off to her though for admitting she can not handle this situation.

Jeannette
mom to MeKyah(ds-7mths)

[nikky]

wow! you guys are sooooooooooooo wonderful!

i'm gonna ask and see what's up.

[shellk]

I hate to sound like a broken record but...I agree w/ CC as well..I know that I myself could never turn my back on my child and even Kourtney has DS was a total shock to me and I was asked in the hospital if I was going to keep her..I was an unwed mother and they wanted to make sure that I was not going to abandon her..The social worker told me that htey have to ask that especially me being a single mother of 1 already..Needless to say Kourtney's dad a nd I are married and have another child now also..
But, having Kourtney is very hard sometimes not that I would ever give her up..There are a lot of times I find myself crying for her. Maybe this mother thought that there was no way that she could be that strong..My nieghbor even told me when we were prego together that she refused tha AFP screening and told the doctor that if her child has DS she would put it up for adoption...The doctor asked her why and she told the doctor about Kourtney and how stressed I seemed at times. I told her that I thought that she was a weak person to say something so shallow...And she said.."Not all women are as strong as you..I could never go through what you go through..So, if that makes me weak then weak I am." I had to respect her honesty.
I feel for the child...The mother and father will have to live with that decision for the rest of thier lives.


Michele