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Post by Jessie on Jan 2, 2006 9:07:26 GMT -5
Ok, I think it's been a while since I devoted a thread to complaining about Jason's mother, so I thought I would give a little update.  Again this year for Christmas she was going to send a gift card so that we could pick something out for him. Again this year she never sent one. She called on Christmas day and talked to Jason for about 30 seconds before hanging up on him (in slight defense to her, he could go on and on when "talking" on the phone - but giving him only 30 seconds was a little ridiculous in my opinion). Prior to that she had talked to Brian and explained that she had just been sooooooo busy, she hadn't been able to get the gift card out in the mail. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Busy? Busy? Who is she kidding? Herself I guess. Her only other child is 20 years old so she doesn't have anyone else to take care of, even if she is working a full time job, ummm, so does everyone else! We have a new baby, Jason has been home everyday for break for the past two weeks, and we are under a major home renovation, yet we still managed to make sure he had a good Christmas. Why do I even think about her, it just gets my blood boiling! LOL I told Brian after the phone call that he is going to have to be the one to determine when it's time to tell her to just stop calling. I hate the thought of taking a child away from their parent - especially without the child being able to express their feelings - but I have to remember that she's the one who gave him up. I don't think that taking away a 30 second phone call from him that comes maybe once a month is taking away much. All it does is irritate the hell out of me and Brian and possibly confuse Jason. Personally, I think she would be relieved if Brian were to tell her it was ok to not call anymore. I think she does it to keep the peace and so we don't go for child support. Ok, there it is, my latest gripe. Thanks for listening! Jessie |
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Post by ValerieC on Jan 2, 2006 9:21:54 GMT -5
Jessie,
I understand your frustration. Does Jason know that is his "real" mom? I'm sure by this point in time he knows you're his "mom". I'm just wondering if Jason would even realize she hasn't called.
I guess I'm rambling. Just thinking it through.
Valerie C
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Post by Jessie on Jan 2, 2006 9:51:29 GMT -5
Valerie,
That's the question we have struggled with. I go with the assumption that he does remember her and know there is some kind of a connection (they lived as a family until he was 9 years old). I look at it as even though WE know what type of a mother she has been to him, that is all he has ever known from her so he may not have bad feelings toward her, KWIM? I'm not sure if I'm getting my point across there. I guess what I'm trying to say is that at the end of the day she is his mother and I believe that no matter how a child is treated I think that they always have a yearning or need for love and acceptance from that parent. So, does he still want to get calls from her, does he want to see her? I assume yes. But, I also assume that he will be just fine if she doesn't call (maybe that's just my way of justifying the decision to cut her off completely). Seeing her is out of the question because she doesn't want him to see her, fearing that he would "regress" if he were to see her.
Ugh. It's a sad situation.
Jessie
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Post by paulinemjc48 on Jan 2, 2006 10:09:18 GMT -5
In my opinion this woman is not his 'real' mum just his 'birth' mum. I am my adopted children's 'real' mum but they both know they have a 'birth' mum. Any woman (well most women) can give birth but not every woman can be a real Mum like you are to Jason.
Pauline UK
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Post by cmedrano99 on Jan 2, 2006 10:33:46 GMT -5
I agree.. that is his birthmom... you are his real mom! I am adopted mom to Joshua.. but I am his MOM.. and the other women.. is his birthmother. I wrote a long reply but did not take.. ugh! I am very greatful to have Joshua. I am greatful his birthmother loved him enough to hand him over (literally) to me and asked me to raise him! The first 2 yrs.. she was very into our lives. She stayed a week with US a few yrs ago for Thanksgiving. I assume she got the comfort level she needed and wanted. The past year..we have only seen her twice.. Shocker.. not see or heard from her at Christmas at all. I have to say I am a bit hurt she "dumped" him. BUT greatful, I HAVE HIM! I get to see the smiles, here the laughter and mostly get all the kisses. We pray she has a nice and wonderful life!
Is Jason adopted? Foster care? or another situation? I had assume you adopted him, so you can't legal even think to go after her for child support! I would let her know that and give her the options to NOT CALL or to call and talk at least 5mins to him! Your house, your rules!
Renavation sounds like fun.. NOT!
Congrts on the whole 7 1/2 sleep!
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Post by Emilysmom on Jan 2, 2006 10:39:06 GMT -5
Jessie,
I just sent you a very long winded message with my opinion, based on our situation with our adopted son who is 24. But the MUCH shorter version of it is that we tried so hard to do what was "right" for him by letting him continue to receive phone calls and visits from his birth mom.......my own sister. What it did was to keep him emotionally jerked around and constantly hurt because he always hoped that THIS CALL would be the one where she would show that she loved him. A 30 second call can do more damage than good by reminding the child that there is this other "mother" who doesn't care enough to KNOW him. There are worse things than having no contact with a birth mom. From our experience, it would have been better to have cut the ties years ago.
I'm sorry that stuff like this (the calls and no gifts) happens at holiday times.....just puts such a damper on the holiday!!
Susan
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Post by Jessie on Jan 2, 2006 10:45:37 GMT -5
Cynthia - no, I have not adopted Jason. Brian has full physical custody and joint legal custody. She is willing to sign off on legal custody AND her parental rights. We are figuring after the legalities are dealt with she will probably fade away - or Brian will feel more secure in telling her to go away and not bother Jason anymore. We're working on it, hopefully soon all of the legalities will be worked through.
In my reply to Susan, I had said that I think it's just hard for all of us to wrap our minds around the fact that some people truly are not meant to be parents - they can birth a child, but that doesn't mean they can love and raise that child. I think that's the hurdle that me and Brian have to get over - that she is just never going to be a "mom" in any sense of the word to Jason - and sadly it's because she doesn't WANT to be. Her older daughter is 20 years old and still lives with her, so it's not like she CAN'T form a bond with a child. Jason is simply too much of a burden for her.
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Post by cmedrano99 on Jan 2, 2006 11:18:27 GMT -5
Ok, I got it all now.. How sad that his birthmother can't see the true love Jason has!
I am sorry that Brian and you have to deal with her as well.
Good Luck with this situation and remember that in the end.. there is light and lots of JOY!
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Post by Alice on Jan 3, 2006 12:21:32 GMT -5
Oh, how sad!  That woman does not deserve to be a mother...  You need to cut off all contacts with her.  Hugs to you, Jessie. |
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Post by Kristen on Jan 3, 2006 13:41:32 GMT -5
She'll fade away, I'll bet anything. Does he ask about her when she doesn't call for a long time? Then I would say no harm, no foul if she agrees not to call anymore. If he does, then I guess you all have to take one for the team and let her call now and then.
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Post by Chester on Jan 3, 2006 17:11:38 GMT -5
It's always tough when someone needs to 'teach' a Mom how to be motherly and do what is best for their child. In my head it's pretty black and white, she's either in his life or she's not. A call on Christmas for a short time pretty much proves she's out.
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Post by YoshsMom on Jan 4, 2006 17:29:47 GMT -5
I have to agree with Susan. As a teacher I dealt witha lot of foster kids, but I've never benna ble to forget this one little girl, Mariela. Her mother lost custody for abuse so horrific it still gives me nightmares after 10 years. But as the "natural mother" she had the right to one supervised visit a month. Mariela was 5 and the sweetest little thing but for a week after that visit she was uncontrollable. Throwing furniture, hitting and biting other kids, screaming at the top of her lungs and hurting herself. I tried for 2 years to get the visits stopped, but no one listened. I truly believe that there are times when it is better for the child to have no contact with his/her birth parents. Especially when that child has a stable and loving home like you give to Jason.
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Post by updowns on Jan 4, 2006 17:51:57 GMT -5
Jessie, I too think she will just fade out of Jason's life and he doesn't need her he has you and Brian his real parents.
Stella
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Post by momofrussell on Jan 4, 2006 19:17:34 GMT -5
 I don't know what to say actually.. and I am sure what thoughts I have might come out wrong LOL.. I know I have said this before but Jason is VERY lucky to have you in his life.. you and Brian!!!! A. |
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Susan, Proud mom of Michael (32), Justin (25) Emily (22ds), and Jordan (20).
I don't know what to say actually.. and I am sure what thoughts I have might come out wrong LOL..