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Post by momofrussell on Feb 22, 2006 17:20:34 GMT -5
I think this was the term Jackie used in the Marriage thread?
So.. not to start of some dark, depressing thread LOL.. but...
For those of you that know me... long enough.. know I get a bit "melancholy" around Russell's bday. It's coming up next month. Reading all the posts on "dreaming big" and marriage and developement in general is hard for me.
I will be honest... "dream redefinition" sounds easy enough right? Wrong.... not for me... Although Russell has progressed alot in some areas.. he, like always, is the same boy I have known all his life. Do I have dreams for him? I will be honest... it's hard for me to dream anything remotely close to what you guys dream of about your kids. So, it's hard to dream.... Dream redefinition? Can't say I can relate to that.. it's not THAT easy.. I can't SEE what you guys can about your child's future.
I know I sound resigned.. heck.. I think as the years go on... looking at the future is harder for me and I have learned to accept who Russell is more and more... and that causes more tears.. the more I accept.. I will NEVER give up on my boy and what might be in there.. but it's so easy to say "keep on going" and "redefine your dreams" when your child progresses I think...
So.. there is this gray area between acceptance and dreaming... and redifining those dreams... heck... when it comes to our family in general.. redifining dreams is a daily, weekly, yearly thing.. that is what Kevin and I do.. we redefine... grow, learn, ect... but it's hard to do this easily with Russell at times....
Don't worry... after Russell's bday I get out of my dark, negative funk I can get lost in at times... LOL.
And I am not needing sympathy or suggestions on dealing with this..this is just some process I go through every year.. I let it all out... and keep going... It's just part of the process.. me posting... so thanks for reading.
A.
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Post by Debbie on Feb 22, 2006 17:45:32 GMT -5
A,
I am not sure I should post on this since I am not a parent but if I were, I would certainly understand. You see, it works both ways. I have to admit I have not reached the "dream" for my parents or others who know me that expected me to be at another place. So, I guess I understand to a point.
I think it is understandable for you to feel that way. It must be hard for you. You are a very good mother and you just want the best for your little boy as you do for your other children. And, you can always post what you feel on here. You are human and have feelings. You are entitled to that!
Please know you are very important and even though I don't understand what you are going through I do care about you. I am sorry you are depressed. I feel honored that you have chosen to share with us your heart. I hope you will be feeling better soon.
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Post by momofrussell on Feb 22, 2006 17:53:40 GMT -5
Aw Debbie.. thanks for that... you can ALWAYS post to me!!!! You know.. I get in this "mood" but I do snap in and out of it quickly thank goodness... just sometimes I read a post or thread and it gets triggered more around his bday...and I sit and dwell in my head.. I just don't bring it to the boards alot... but I do go through this process so I thought while I was reading about the marraige and dreams I would just get it all out now... Susan and I talked about it a bit last night... and I think it brought it to the surface a bit... so it's time to let it go and keep moving....
Thanks again Debbie!
A.
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Post by Debbie on Feb 22, 2006 18:02:43 GMT -5
A, Anytime. I know what depression can be although we do experience differently. It is good you can let it go. I am glad you have someone to talk about it with though. I know that helps.  |
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Post by Jackie on Feb 22, 2006 19:10:42 GMT -5
If I confused some of you by posting a reply accidentally here and moving it quickly to the marriage thread...I apologize.
But while I AM here let me say that "dream redefinition" is really a "personal " term for me. Ii don't think anyone that I have met on UNO so far is really ready to use it yet...and some of you may never have to. Your kids are still young and the world is their oyster.
"Dream Redefinition" is a term I coined to fit MY situation. It doesn't mean giving up....it just means changing the plan a bit. And, yes, for me...sometimes changing the plan makes me sad. But in the overall scope of things I am pretty darned pleased with how Emily's life has turned out so far...and I think if you could ask Em she would say she has a TERRIFIC life too.
Jackie mom to Emily 25
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Post by momofrussell on Feb 22, 2006 19:12:15 GMT -5
Well.. I just deleted my post because it made no sense without yours LOL... I actually like the term.. and I am sorry I used your term... I guess I am having a hard time just "dreaming" in general with Russell at times....
a.
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Post by CC on Feb 22, 2006 22:17:18 GMT -5
"Dream Redefinition" is a term I coined to fit MY situation. It doesn't mean giving up....it just means changing the plan a bit" I think anyone that has given birth to a baby with DS or any disability actually, learns real fast bout "changing the plan a bit" It comes with the territory so called from the get go, don't you think??  A~ I get the same way every year around Christopher's Birthday, HUGS CC ~ |
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Post by Emilysmom on Feb 22, 2006 22:19:35 GMT -5
Adrienne,
Just ONE of the things I like most about you is how very well you express your feelings.............when things are going great and when you are feeling down too! Thanks for realizing that we care about you and your family and we want to hear how you feel. No need to apologize for that!
Susan
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Post by Kristen on Feb 23, 2006 12:57:40 GMT -5
I actually went to a one day seminar called the death of the dream or something equally morbid, but the seminar was FANTASTIC! It centered on dreams redefined and the man giving it was wonderful! He said something that has kept with me all this time: 'I have yet to meet a parent who truly accepts their child's disability and why should they? Rather, they acknowledge it exists, recognize it for what it is and continue on their way' Paraphrased, but pretty darn close. That is what I strive for. I know it's there, know what might happen as a result and continue on with life as planned.
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Post by andrewsmom on Feb 23, 2006 14:00:30 GMT -5
A..,..... Andrew's b-day is also next month and I think I may have spent WAYYY too much time with the "marriage thread" but I just couldn't help myself. Trying to peak into what the future holds is not an easy thing to do. I have 2 niece's who are the same age as Andrew and will be at my daughter's party in 2 weeks. I have to be really honest and tell you I am not looking forward to this. I love my nieces but I don't want to see them running and playing together and Andrew being left out...which he will be because he can't get around quite as well as they do and he also can't talk yet or get the "rules" to games. *sigh* darn paties!!
I won't try to pretend I know how you feel but I can tell you I have similar feelings myself. You are definately not alone. Let it out.....we all need to sometimes. That's why we're here... for support!
-Trisha
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Post by Radonna on Feb 23, 2006 18:36:40 GMT -5
A.
Kaden's coming up on number 12. Usually I let his birthday creep up on me because that growing number keeps talking him further away from an age it still feels okay to say he doesn't speak, ect..
What was your original dreams for Russell? Sometimes you have dreams but you don't realize it. With Kaden I wasn't sure who I wanted him to be but I had a very clear picture of who I didn't want him to be. That haunts me now.
Most of the dreams I carried into Motherhood I had formed as a child. Those dreams didn't fit my new life. Couldn't be forced to fit what my life would one day become. The very core of my being was changed when I had Kaden and that was the first time I redefined my dreams then it was to get through the next surgery, It grew to see Kaden's legs straight and for him to walk and finally on him one day having normal vision. We both know where that vision one can take you and where it took me. You know out of all the dreams I dreamed for kaden this one I held the dearest and this one was the hardest to let go.
What You know A is it doesn't matter what we dream up if it doesn't fit our children.Don't beat yourself up for not having one pat yourself on the back for having the patience for waiting for one that fits Russell
Love you A
Thank you for putting up with me
I know I am a fruitcake
Radonna
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Post by Debi on Feb 23, 2006 19:39:34 GMT -5
Oh Radonna.. so NOT a fruitcake !! (altho Radonna Fruitcake might sound nice on the dessert menu !)
I guess I feel that "dream redefination" is something that we think about with ALL our kids, DS or not, altho certainly that experience is more intense when our children are born w/ DS and as CC says.. almost have to start redifing from the beginning. But any of our kids can have very rocky childhoods.. teens.. or adult hoods that might cause us to examine: is those who this person IS or is this who I expect (want ) them to be?
I agree with you Radonna that those added b'days really add to the gap between our deepest hopes for our child and the reality of who our child is . So often I try and find that balance between never giving up the dream and yet living the life that is ours as a family and the realities of Gabe's disability. The one constant in all this is my love for Gabe and bottom line, I feel that is the anchor that brings me peace.
I wanted to add that I've had the b'day blues for Gabe for SO many years... really a torn day for me cause I will never forget the utter joy on the day he was born and how HAPPY I am that he is my son yet.. the gap has been so huge that it 's also been a sad day as well. But for the last two years that has been tempered a good deal and I've been more comfortable just enjoying the ice cream lol.
Debbie.. you are always so tactful and empathic in your responses. You say you're not a parent so not responding from that perspective but you so so get what we parents are trying to say. Thank you!!
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Post by Jodi on Feb 24, 2006 0:01:28 GMT -5
Hey A!! How about some BUNKO and a bottle of wine I will sit with you in the "dark place" until it passes - I'm also a member of that club - we should get jackets. I love Ryan and accept his challenges - but some days I just want more for him... is that what you are feeling? Kinda gives you the blues sometimes - but it always passes. ... now where's that corkscrew? Jodi |
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Post by Jessie on Feb 24, 2006 8:31:28 GMT -5
Well, I had sent a private note to A. on this subject, but now after reading all of your replies it made me think that I need to be a little more sensitive to BRIAN's feelings around Jason's birthday. Honestly, I don't have those same exact feelings when it's Jason's birthday, but I relate to them in other ways. However, I never even thought that his birthday might provoke feelings for Brian . . . you know, he's a guy, he doesn't talk about his "feelings"! LOL I do remember the first time I went with him to Toys R Us to pick out Jason's birthday present and it broke my heart to see Brian struggle to find something for him. He automatically went for the cool, chronological-age appropriate boy things, but then had to re-think those things because he knew that Jason just couldn't handle them. Brian is such a "guy's guy" and I'm sure his dreams have been redefined over the years raising Jason. They love to snowmobile, but he knows that Jason will forever have to ride with him and will never be able to drive one by himself. He talks about Ellie getting her own little snowmobile when she turns 8 (Lord help me, I'm just going along with that right now and will cross that bridge later!!  ). So, I know that even if he doesn't talk about it or maybe even think of "dream redefinition" in that way, he has definitely had to change his way of thinking on things. Huh, guess I'll have to pay attention over the next couple of weeks how he is - Jason's 13th birthday is March 7. Jessie |
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Post by momofrussell on Feb 24, 2006 8:54:12 GMT -5
Thanks everyone... and Jodi... if we get Jackets.. can we have the cool ones like the girls did in Grease? That might make it all better! LOL.. Wish I still lived in So CAL..i'd bring the bottle opener AND the bottle! I don't know if it's a "I wish more for him" kinda thing... it's more of a "he is another year older and STILL is doing what he did at 2" or something like that... Jessie.. you know.. we have talked about buying gifts alot here.. but man... it DOES hurt sometimes knowing I am still having to buy "infant" and "toddler" toys for Russell and most stuff he just doesn't care for.. and anything beyond that? He has no interest and truly isn't ready for. 8 yrs old he will be.. and I was JUST had Toys R Us because they had BOGO Free for the Fisher Price INFANT toys... how sad is that! LOL... Of course, the one I had my eye on at Christmastime was not there anymore anywhere.  I walked around that whole store for an hour and came home with nothing It sucks... Anyway.... This will pass.... |
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Susan, Proud mom of Michael (32), Justin (25) Emily (22ds), and Jordan (20).
). So, I know that even if he doesn't talk about it or maybe even think of "dream redefinition" in that way, he has definitely had to change his way of thinking on things. Huh, guess I'll have to pay attention over the next couple of weeks how he is - Jason's 13th birthday is March 7.
I walked around that whole store for an hour and came home with nothing