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Post by Jodi on Feb 27, 2006 0:48:04 GMT -5
Some of you may remember how when my neighbor had a newborn, she got a phone call from a research company that inquired about the health of her child. In front of me she stated, "10 fingers, 10 toes, and no extra chromosomes". That was about 10 months ago. We were chatting a few days ago, and she made the comment that her son started sticking his tongue out. She said she really started worrying. She called another friend who has a child slightly older than hers, and she too saw a protruding tongue in her baby girl, but that it went away. Okay - call me dumb, but at first I thought "was she worried about how bad the teething was?" Then I realized... she was implying something but wouldn't come straight out with it. I think she thought her son was "becoming" retarded or perhaps developing DS. Now I thought this woman was a little brighter than that. Her kid has been teething like crazy, so yes... lotsa drool and lotsa tongue movement. Does my Ryan represent the worst that could possible happen in life? (Radonna - you made a similar comment in a different context... I understand where you are coming from). At first I was sad at her comment. Now, I'm thinking man... she really doesn't get Ryan. He is such a great kid. She is 40 and is worried sick that something is going to go wrong with her perfect healthy child. Now I could have some fun and make a comment like, "gee, he is making sounds just like Ryan did"... that will send her over the edge!!! HAHAHAHA (evil laugh). Of course, Ryan is STILL making the same sounds LOL!! Jodi
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Post by kellyds on Feb 27, 2006 12:01:51 GMT -5
Now I could have some fun and make a comment like, "gee, he is making sounds just like Ryan did"... I know you wouldn't really do that, but it's sure a funny (and understandable) temptation. I have the same reaction when people tell me I'm "brave". Just exactly WHAT do they think I'm enduring by parenting my son? He's a delight to the whole family. They'll never get it. Guess we should just smile and change the subject.
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Post by dannysmom on Feb 27, 2006 12:36:33 GMT -5
Some people just don't understand how their comments can effect us. People must think that parents with children with special needs don't have the same emotions or feelings that they do.
One of my best friends said to me " I don't know how you do it, I couldn't handle it"......I told her if you had to, you would. But deep inside, I felt like saying...you're right...that is why God gave Daniel to me...because he knows my love for him has no limits...that I feel privledged to have the opportunity to raise such a precious being. I don't look at raising my son or my typical daughter as something I have to grin and bear...I view it as God's most precious gifts.
Sorry to ramble...but I just wish people knew better than to say stuff like your neighbor did.
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Post by kellyds on Feb 27, 2006 12:50:06 GMT -5
Yes, I did. My husband and I talked about adopting children with special needs many times, and we most likely still will. :-)
But, it's still better to just be nice, because obviously they DON'T know better. I doubt they're doing it to be mean . . . just out of ignorance.
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Post by andrewsmom on Feb 27, 2006 13:12:34 GMT -5
"gee, he is making sounds just like Ryan did"... that will send her over the edge!!! ROTFL!!! That is soo funny!!!!!
I agree though...people just honestly don't know. I was extremely intimidated when we first stepped into the DS community. Why?? Because I really didn't know ANYTHING! Over time I realized that I will never know everything, but I will learn every chance I get. I don't know how people like you neighbor get soooo far off base but hey.....I'm just glad it's not me!!!LOL!
-Trisha
If you do decide to send her "over the edge" let me know how it goes...I might use that.... But when she is done freaking out please try to sit her down and educate her a bit. It may just change her life.
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Post by kristin on Feb 27, 2006 13:21:13 GMT -5
I think we need to remember the purpose of this forum... People need to be able to "vent" when they have had their feelings hurt, and it is also used as a forum for educating ourselves and others. It is interesting to read how people respond to being hurt and how they have educated others, whether they are considered ignorant or otherwise. It might help if we are confronted with a similar situation.
People in this world are constantly sticking their feet in their mouths, and about a lot more minor (and sometimes not so minor) things than disabilities. Like Kelly said, I don't think people do it intentionally most of the time. No one can ever experience everything that everyone has ever gone through. You just do the best you can to be a compassionate, empathetic person. If you are honest about your feelings and try to be considerate of others, will you hurt people's feelings? Probably. All you can do is try to be more sensitive and supportive of people in your life. If you hurt someone and they tell you, apologize and try to learn from it.
I teach elementary school, and I can tell you that probably not a week goes by when I hear a staff member here use the term "retarded", "retard", etc. referring to themselves, or a situation that has occurred. It used to hurt my feelings, and it sometimes still does, but it is really more a reflection of THEM, and the kind of person they are, and NOT ME!! It floors me that someone would use the term in my presence, but they DO, and I'll bet they regret it after it comes out of their mouth.
Anyway, a little education goes a long way, and this venue is a perfect place for that to start.
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Post by kristin on Feb 27, 2006 13:42:37 GMT -5
I think "we all" were validating Jodi's upset and uncomfortability as she saw it.
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Post by wrblack on Feb 27, 2006 14:01:53 GMT -5
I think Jeff may be onto something. I'm pretty sure there are times when we're overly sensitive. But I also think Jodi has a borish clod for a neighbor. These conditions are not either/or, mutually exclusive. Both can apply, and I think we may have a little of both here. Well, in this case, maybe a little overly sensitive and a lot of borish clod. -- JMHO, or, as I'm more often inclined to put it, just mine own humble opinion, though in my own mind know good and d.a.m.n. well I'm right, Bob
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Post by kristin on Feb 27, 2006 14:04:31 GMT -5
I can only speak for myself here, but life is a process, and not always linear. Sometimes its easier than others to blow things off and look to the bright side. I assume when someone posts something troubling here it is because they are at a place where they need some perspective to process what occurred. You said it yourself, Jeff, you haven't been in the shoes of another person. Only your own shoes. It is not fair to presume that someone should just "look at the bright side" just because you can; that is something they'll learn to do on their own, in their own time, whether its an hour from now, or years away. Just my opinion.
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Post by Kristen on Feb 27, 2006 14:14:01 GMT -5
Hey, Jeff, you go get his by the truck that is hearing "you baby had Down syndrome" then you can tell me how you view the world.
As for Jodi's experience, I try to give people a few chances before I say hey, you know, that's not very nice, could you not say that, etc. After more than one incident with the same person, she is not jumping to conclusions, but putting together a pattern of behavior. I am sure she feels just as I do (and I am sorry if I am speaking out of turn Jodi) that if someone doesn't get it, they don't get it, but that doesn't mean it isn't hurtful, especially coming from someone you are somewhat close to as it sounds like this neighbor is to Jodi. I agree, Jodi, that both of those comments were uncalled for. I say go for it with the mildly disturbing comments, but I just am that way as the world well knows by now.
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Post by Kristen on Feb 27, 2006 15:05:54 GMT -5
You bet I will! I struck you speechless.
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Post by myangelsaliandsadi on Feb 27, 2006 17:38:05 GMT -5
Jeff are you the same person who was posting on NADS a while ago... you are starting to sound very familiar.
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Post by Jodi on Feb 27, 2006 18:05:38 GMT -5
What happened to my post Jeff - I get what you are saying... I have an uncle who is quit a bit older than me with DS - so yes I've been around it for a while and I didn't JUST become aware of the insensitivity of the world either. I'm sure I have and will say something insensitive to someone that will hurt their feelings - maybe even including my neighbor. First things first... I posted my thoughts here for a few reasons. One, not to throw a pity party, but to know people here get that sometimes it hurts to hear comments that reflect on your child's shortcomings. Most times I take the comments in stride, sometimes I laugh out loud, and sometimes it just sucks. Two: to show others they are not alone when they too hear comments like these. And three - this is a safe place to unload your thoughts that sometimes eat at you. Of course, my favorite reason is to make people like you walk on eggshells I wish we were all strong and could care less about what other people think. We are all different. We handle pressure and stress differently. Jeff - maybe you have the type of personality that nothing and no one can get you down. And I can tell from your posts that you are sick of people complaining and have a doom and gloom outlook on life. You take a positive view - and that is your choice. If the posts here bother you so much, then why do you bother to reply? I know you live with a lady with DS, but, and this is just my personal opinion, unless you have been through a similar experience as me - you have zippo right to accuse me of being oversensitive -- even if I AM being oversensitive. Now, I really don't care that you think I'm being overly sensitive because your opinion of me doesn't matter. What I don't like is how your comments may make others feel unsafe about posting their thoughts because you may judge them. Please just let us get some of the ugly stuff out of us... it's just a process of dealing with the daily grind. If it sounds like a constant pity party, then uninvite yourself. You are under no obligation to attend. I know you are trying to be helpful and get people to stop thinking that things are soooo bad. I think we all know that they are not - but there are days when they are, and this is our place to come to and vent and move on. And THAT is just my humble opinion Jodi
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Post by Radonna on Feb 27, 2006 21:03:05 GMT -5
JMHO Jeff I think that you genuinely care about the woman that has become part of your family. I think that it is EASY for you to look at things from arms length because you are not HER PARENT. There is a MAJOR huge difference with not taking things personal when it comes to your children. HOW can anything dealing with your children NOT be personal. Your view point can't ever be that of a parent. PERIOD
Radonna
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Post by hidyperson on Feb 27, 2006 21:13:44 GMT -5
What a bunch of punchy momma bears. This how you treat someone who's a friend in a big way to someone with DS, just what you'd want for your kid in the future. I don't get it. I really don't. PERIOD. - that was nice friendly way to end a statement wasn't it ? Oh, I forgot the
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