venting......

[ALLISA]

Hey all.....

Just need a shoulder to cry on for a minute......

On Father's Day there was an Open House at the camp my middle son will be attending this summer. It is his FIRST time at sleep-away camp and because he is Diabetic and requires constant monitoring, it is stressful for me ......to say the least. He is attending a WONDERFUL place ( all the kids have Diabetes, all the staff does) it will be great for him to be a part of the crowd instead of sticking out in the crowd.....

Anyways....I'm divorced & told my ex I was sorry that the Open House fell on Father's Day.....but perhaps he could meet us there and take the kids after that for some time alone.

He agreed and from the SECOND we met him there it is was HORRIBLE. I should add that he is verbally and mentally abusive to me so I have as little contact with him as is possible. He rarely sees the kids ( litterally has seen them for TEN HOURS this YEAR...since January) He has NO CLUE what life with Erin is like and how much energy she requires from me.

So, for the most part Erin did great, we toured the camp, saw cabins, woods, etc....she was great except some inappropriate verbalizing, Erin grunts and talks a lot of gibberish.....to me.....that is NOTHING.....I'd say she was an angel ! My ex was FURIUOS that she was "interupting" the tour.....the "tour" was 2 families and 2 counselors.....so we were pretty much 1:1 an not really bugging anyone.

He told me repeatedly ( underbreath) how horrible a mother I was and how I had no control over anything and what a mess I am. Well, I know to ignore him so I did, I actually sat AWAY from him during the sit down question portion of the tour and tried to keep Erin as happy as possible.

After the sit-down part ( which was VERY long ) there were lots of nervous moms & dads asking every question under the sun. He came over to me and was LIVID and told me " you f-ing suck as a mother, I should take these kids away from you, you have no right to be a mom" He said this because Erin banged her head twice.....anyone else who has a head banger.....I hope you can commiserate with how IMPOSSIBLE it is to stop a head bang when she is in the midst of frustration.

I don't really know why I'm even typing this.....I just need to get it out I guess....I just cry over how ANGRY he MAKES me and how much I truly hate him as a person. And I am truly a much nicer person than that. I hate to feel this way, but anger at him is better than being upset by what he says.

I laugh at the thought of him fighting me for custody becasue he wouldn't have the stamina to take them. In the FIVE years since our divorce he has had them overnight TWICE and could barely manage that.

Thanks for listening......I just need to scream really loud and I guess a cyber scream is as loud as you can get.......

[Jessie]

Oh Allisa - scream away girl! You are much more patient with the man than I ever could be. I suppose you've probably had to learn to deal with it the best way you can. So sorry you have to put up with that - even if it is on a limited basis.

Thank God your kids have you!


Jessie

[lorraine]

Allisa

God that man sounds like a total ........... (better not put what I want to there,but I'm sure you've got lots of appropriate words in mind LOL)

How you managed to get through yesterday I do not know, we all know how hard it is to make kids sit quietly in meetings, without any added stress from him watching, and great of him to swear at you in front of your kids too....

The only good thing that comes through in your message is that it sounds like you won't have to see him again any time soon I hope, and what a joke that he thinks he could get custody..

Keep screaming all you need to, then relax in the knowledge that you are a 100 times better as a person than he will ever be.

sorry you have to go through this

Lorraine

[Deannalee]

Allisa,

I empathize with you on so many levels. I have an abusive ex who has dragged me thru court many times over trying to take the kids away so he can get child support....he refuses to pay us, mind you. He has called me every name in the book....and even slammed me into the wall when I was pregnant with my twins....one died!!!!!!!!!!!

I also have two head bangers....my 7 yr old with ODD/severe ADHD and my 4 yr old with DS!!!!!!! It is hard.....and no.....they never stop when you try to get them to. They are like a loaded gun and keep going until no more ammo!!!!!


I am so sorry yet another woman is going thru this. I pray your situation improves....mine never does.....he is up our butts and takes the kids a lot.

Deanna

[Jodi]

(((Allisa)))

Okay - first thing I noticed in your post... YOU know WHY she's a headbanger and HE doesn't. I actually laughed out loud because he had the nerve to say you had no right to be a mom. What a joke!

Don't doubt yourself for a second. You are absolutely right - He doesn't have a clue

Jodi

[chasesmom]

Oh baby girl...that piece of nuts doesn't even deserve to be called father let alone have the right to breathe the same air as you!!! I am so so so sorry you had to go thru that. {{{HUGE HUGS}}} to you. As a Mom you rock! You know it, I know it, unomas knows it, the world knows it.....his problem is he sucks and he knows it. Hopefully there will never be another next time but if ther is maybe you can simply hand him a business card from a psych's office, suggest he use it and walk away. $#&$#^^&(&##*&^^$#^# and I really truely mean it!!!! Do you think he and Dave are related and we just don't know it yet? Bless your heart and the kids hearts cause I am sure sadly enough they had to have heard at least part of his rotten mouth. I am sorry lifethrows such curves at us when we least expect it Allisa. Why is it we try so hard and get busted in the chops?
Might I suggest for the lady.....
a bubble bath, with a candle or two, some lovely music, and whilst in the tub relaxing, a glass of your favorite and a delicious to die for piece of chocolate, and if that is not what you need, then might I suggest one of my other favorites.....(this one involves the kids) crank up the tunes girlfriend loud...move the couch, grab a cold drink and get down, and dont forget the micorphones, (if there is not enough to go around hair brushes work great!)....you will be smiling and laughing in less then five minutes!
I love you girl!!!!
Robin

[ALLISA]

thanks all you are the best.....I needed a shoulder and here you all are !!

[Emilysmom]

Allisa,
One thing I'm thankful for is that you KNEW it was safe here to vent to us and that we would listen and CARE. I am SO sorry you had to experience this!!!!! I'm guessing this horrible day was the icing on the cake after living with that man for years! HE does not deserve to be allowed to be involved in your children's lives, but YOU have tried to do the right thing. Isn't there someone you can appeal to........to get him OUT of your life?? He has to be one very miserable, unhappy, MEAN spirited guy!!!!
Please know that we're here for you ANYtime you need to vent about anything.
Hugs,
Susan

[chinadoll]

Allisa,
I'm so sorry he treats you like that, there is no excuse for his behavior. Plain and simple. I've heard it said that life can make us bitter or better, but the choice of which one is up to us as individuals. Sounds like your ex-husband is a bitter, angry, timebomb who needs to deal with his issues. PRAISE GOD that's not your responsibility BUT your ex's!

When I read your post I had flashbacks to my childhood and how my father treated my mother...exactly the same. It was horrible growing up while they were married and even after they got divorced the abuse never seem to end. We all (my mother, and my two siblings) dreaded the times we'd have to be around him because he was mean, volitale, and made everyone so misarable. Sounds a lot like your situation. With all that said, I do understand your pain, and probably more so that of your children when they see/hear their father treat their mother so cruel. I'm thankful you have your children and that you ARE a stable, safe person in their life. I do hope you can find some peace INSPITE of him and some release from your own anger that I'm sure is so painful for you.

My thoughts are with you today...
Kaci

[kristin]

Prayers and thoughts to you, Allisa. I feel for you; it is the kind of frustration that is indescribable... you are doing such a good job handling it, AND everything else in your life. Keep your chin up.

[laurasnowbird]

Oh, Allisa, you deserve so much better than that. The man is a first-class jerk, and I'm being nice because the Uno censor will change my words and make them nonsense, LOL!

I think part of his problem is guilt! He got a first-hand look at what you live with on a daily basis, and I think he directed his self-hate at you. He's not man enough to take a clear look at himself, so he shifts all the blame.

You'd have to be an absolute saint not to loathe that man, and honestly, I think you ARE a saint for managing not to do physical harm to that creep. Sheesh.

((((((HUGE HUGS)))))!

You are a blessed person and an awesome mom (and father, LOL!) Hang in there, and we are always here to listen!

[Chris too]

Robin, I think, has it right when she says that he has failed as a dad and a husband, and he knows it. He needs to have someone to blame, and you are it, girl. My mom alway told me to be like a duck and let it roll right off your back; my brother always said "I am rubber and you are glue, your words bounce off me and stick to you." Take your pick, either way I'm glad that you know to ignore him. You will know that you have won when his words no longer have any affect on you at all. If you begin to pity him instead of hating him (poor guy has to live with colossal failure on multiple levels because he lacks the tools to succeed, all in the face of your successes in spite of his abuse - sad really), then you may get to that point sooner.

Hugs to you, Allisa! And take Robin's advise about baths and chocolate (drinks not forgotten).

Chris

[Chester]

I'm sorry you and your kids are going through this.

My sister is just starting down the divorce road from a man much like your ex. It truly leaves me speechless on how grown men can treat their own children, and the mothers of their children so nastily.

Keep your head up, don't let his BS get to you. Hope you don't have to see him again for a long while!!

Dawn

[Debbie]

Allisa,

I am sorry you have to go through that. You certainly don't deserve it. It sounds like you are a great Mom and a caring one.
You decided to let him know he needed to see his children so you did the a noble thing even though you knew you would suffer because of it. To me that shows you were putting your children's needs above your own. And what good Mom does that? I think you did a good thing. I'm just sorry you had to suffer like that. I know he is your ex, but he sounds horrible. I am glad you were able to get away from him.

[CC]

Awwww Vent away girl, I know venting helps me tons

I am so sorry that you and your kids are subjected to such bad behavior by this man.

He certainly would never ever win Father of the Year

My theory in life is he can only get to you if you let him, KWIM

Being I am not in your shoes i have no idea how this all plays out BUT honestly girl if he only has seen the kids 10 hours since January, why let him at all?? Unless of course you have to by court order

HUGS to you girl and BESTEST of Wishes to your son to have just a WONDERFUL time at camp and BTW i can relate how nerve racking it can be sending one of your children to camp. OMG I am a wreck too bout sending Chris but mostly due to his heart issues

My parents were divorced when I was 9 years old and they thankfully agreed to never say a bad word bout the other to any of us kids.

I really feel for you girl and pray this guy just goes away totally from your lives, he certainly doesn't deserve the time of day from any of you.

CC ~