Rudeness towards our children

[jelanismom]

I am always at a loss of words when it comes to rudeness and ignorance...I guess I get caught by suprise and sorta freeze up. When I was invited by a neighbor whom I don't really know to bring Jelani to their son's 6th birthday party, I happily agreed. Our first introduction was by a group of small boys (6-7yrs old) who saw me and Jelani walking towards their house. The one boy took a look at Jelani and said...literally word for word..."heh, what's wrong with his face?" I said what do you mean? He said, " his face, what's wrong with it?" And I said, " you know that's not very nice" and then he said never mind and walked away. I was about to just leave after the boy said that. I guess I need to get used to it, but I can't. Jelani didn't seem to be affected by the comment, I was. I wonder if Jelani even knew what he said, he was 2 feet from him...it just really hurts and sadly I know it's only the beginning.

I'm just wondering how you all would have handled this? What would you have said to the rude boy?

[advocate4myself]

It is awful to handle rudeness. Adult's who are rude know that it is wrong, they say and act that way because they choose to depending on their personality and mood. Children may not always know or really understand. It is an impulsive reaction. However, not all children are like this. If the child, boy, was older than say seven, then, I think they know the difference but not know how to handle their impulsiveness. An eleven year old would know it was not a nice thing. I am not condoning his behavior.

I have been around rude people, but not because of my Down syndromeness. Most people don't know. If they suspect me having Down syndrome they don't say anything to me. They may say something to someone else instead. I have never had anyone come up to me and say, "Excuse me, but, I was wondering, um, do you have Down syndrome?" Rudeness should not tolerated but, unfortunately people will be rude. Children should be taught about differences and respect. It depends on the parent and their attitudes. Of course, there are opportunites when you can teach someone about Down syndrome too. I think it depends on the moment. I am sorry you were hurt.......Debbie

[damarasmom]

Dawn,
I am so very sorry that you had to deal with that. and what stinks is when we freeze and don't have a good comeback...I HATE when that happens...
I can usaully think of something very witty and/or educational AFTER it's over and everyone is gone.
I guess we just need to work on our preperations so we are ready and armed when it happens next time. I'm gonna write out something appropriate for a adult and a child and try to memorize them...so MAYBE I will not freeze...
What did the parents say when you got into the party? Was Jelani accepted when he got in? I wish I could be more helpful!

[Chris too]

Dawn, I have had to handle this from the other side - my 4-y-o asked me once "what's wrong with her face?" about a typical girl with an unusual nose. I explained to him that it is rude to say that "something is wrong" with someone else's looks, because there is nothing wrong - everyone is different & some are more different than others & that is a good thing. He took it in pretty well & I hope that he got the message.

It seems to me that this sort of question is to be expected of children who are 1) observant of differences and 2) not taught what to do with that observation. So a 4-y-o is in training, but a 6 or 7-y-0 should have been exposed to enough differences to know what to do with the observation that someone is more different than some others. I think you should be prepared with a short speech for questions of this sort out of this age group. Something like "That is a very rude way to ask a question. Do you really want to know why Jelani (fill in the blank - laughs so silly, has a bald spot, or whatever you think the kid was observing)?" You may make a friend of a child who is curious but untrained, or be able to identify a kid who is just a bully.

When Stevie had a feeding tube as a baby, little kids would often stare & some would ask about it - either way I always had my answer ready. Jelani's differences are not anywhere near as obvious as a tube taped to the face, but older kids will still notice. Your job is to figure out which ones are just curious and give them a lesson in polite questioning and alopecia or whatever.

And {{{{{{hugs for Dawn}}}}}} Jelani is different from that rude little boy - that's something to be thankful for!

[Chris too]

I forgot that the question was about his face. An answer for that - after the comment about rude questions - is "Jelani looks quite a bit like me, but he hasn't grown into his face yet - see?" And put your face next to his. It is what was true of the little girl who my son pointed out (she was in a dance class & couldn't hear, thankfully). She looks very like her mother who looks nice with that nose, but the little girl is going to have to grow into it before it looks quite "typical." I had a friend once who had the prettiest pouty, full lips. She said that the kids used to call her "fish lips" - she had to grow into those things before they looked so lovely. I think that observant kids need to be taught to see that all things change & some parts look different until they mature.

[Ashlea]

I always say, well that's how God made him. The usual response is...Oh okay and they go about their business. And I try to use it as an opportunity to educate them....

[Renee']

Dawn
I am sorry. I had this happen to me when I was picking up my middle daughter. There were a few boys and they noticed Lauren and said "that is so gross" Lauren didn't hear or seem to mind. I, on the other hand was pissed. I walked up to the little boy, tapped him on the shoulder and said "That was not nice. I love her just like your mommy loves you. She is beautiful to me and I think you were wrong" I walked off and all the boys were picking on him because I caught him. It is really hurtful and I can never think of the witty thing to say back. I wish I were there to give you a hug.

[Emilysmom]

Dawn,
I'm sorry you had this experience. Over the years, I've heard a few hurtful things. When Emily was younger, like Jelani, she didn't seem to notice at all. She truly didn't seem to think anyone was saying anything negative about her, and that was great. As she has gotten older, I am sure she would notice................and her response would be to "shut down". She would tuck her head down and get very quiet; hurting inside. I have responded a few times; and the responses have varied from kind and informative (lol those are the ones I am proud of!!) to a bit sarcastic. The sarcastic ones, in my opinion, don't have the power to "teach" kids why their words were wrong. I think what Renee said was PERFECT! "I love her just like your mommy loves you" had to really hit home to that boy!!!

A while back, I posted about an experience we had when I took Jordan and Emily to a fast food place to eat. After we got into our van to leave, a man pulled his car behind my van and was blocking us. He asked me to roll down the window and then asked if I would talk to him. I was a bit nervous (less nervous than I might have been, because I had seen him and his children in the restaurant and recognized them from around town........in fact, his ex wife and kids go to our church), but went over to his car. He explained to me that his kids had been laughing and making fun of Emily from their table (no one at our table noticed at all) and that he wanted them to apologize to me. He added that they had special fun plans for the weekend that would be taken away from them if they did not apologize. That time was my BEST response.............mainly because those two cowering kids in his back seat looked totally horrified and embarrassed. So, I was able to talk to them calmly and kindly. I was actually more unhappy with this dad. Honestly, did he have to tell ME that his kids had been making fun of my girl??? I didn't really want to know it! But I asked the little girl if she knew Emily, and what was "different" about her that she was making fun of. She told me that Emily moved her mouth in a funny way when she chewed her food. I had to grin, and told the girl that I agreed.........Emily DID move her mouth in a funny way. I went on to explain briefly that Emily had Ds and that her mouth muscles didn't work the same way as other people's (I described her mouth muscles as "weak") and she had to come up with different ways to chew her food and so she made sort of exaggerated movements. I told her that I would be willing to explain any thing at all that she wanted to know about Emily because even though Em LOOKED different, she liked all the same things as other kids did. She got her feelings hurt the same, she enjoyed doing fun things (I listed things like swimming, going to amusement parks, sort of went on and on about the typical things Emily was good at), and that she really was more the SAME than different. I thanked the kids for apologizing and told them I didn't want them to actually apologize to Emily because she didn't know they had made fun of her and didn't need to know. I then asked both kids to think next time they saw her (or anyone else with differences) to remember that she is more LIKE them than different. They smiled and the dad thanked me and we went on our way. I still sometimes see those kids at church and wonder how it affected them. At least they don't run when they see me!!

Susan

[jelanismom]

OH wow thankyou all so much, I really appreciate your help, I'm just beginning to get a grip on my feelings about the whole rudeness thing, I guess I was stuck in the days when Jelani would only get comments like "he's so cute" , or "heh, I was a preemie too"...then there were comments as he grew older like..."he's cute" but "why is he still in diapers?" or "why does he walk that way?"...but those I dealt with calmly and I happily educated the kids making the comments or asking the questions, even though a tiny part of me felt uncomfortable. Now i'ts a whole new ball game. He lost all his hair, has one eyebrow, thick eyeglasses, and he's beyond those cute baby years. So I have to adjust my thinking, and develop a little more toughness inside and try to see through the insults and not get too upset. Ironically, just the other day since I posted this thread, a small boy in the grocery store left his family and went over to Jelani and stood in front of him as I was picking items off the store shelf to put in my basket. At first I thought he would say hi to Jelani but instead he said straight to jelani's face, "you look crazy" and ran back to his family. I said heh that wasn't nice! Then the mom asked what happened and after I told her, she said she was going to beat the crap out of her son for saying that. Then as we past the family a couple more times in the store, I heard her telling the boy the same thing. I didn't actually feel like educating anyone at that time, maybe I should have, but I just wanted to leave the store. All I could see in my mind was this child point blank in my son's face saying he looked crazy. I knew Jelani understood the comment and felt badly, he was sucking his thumb and quiet, where as minutes before the comment he was cheerful and giggly. And to make matters worse, (for me) we went across the street moments later to buy a baseball cap for Jelani and the security guard asks me "how close is he to remission?" Well that about did me in. I just went home and hugged Jelani and was thankful he wasn't in remission from anything.

I didn't really want to post this, but I needed to get it off my chest, again. I suppose it gets easier, the more I get accustommed to it hearing stuff like this, but for Jelani's sake it shouldn't be happening at all...and he's only in kindergarten. Anyone want to help me change the world or kick some butt? No, I'll take all your advice and be diplomatic in my reply no matter how rude the comment, and use it as an opportunity to teach about Ds. That's if it seems like an opportune time, otherwise, I'll just say "shame on you" and like Renee' said..."I love my son just like your mommy loves you".

THANKS again everyone. I hope I don't have to return with more situations to report! (not this week anyway).
Dawn

[MB]

When this happens to us, I always try to remember that kids are innocent. They really want to know what happened to his face. Our reaction tells them that the facial features are no big deal or that they are something to be embarrassed of.

Wait, keep reading!!!!!!

I never think that the look on the typical kid's face is disapproval. I believe it is a look of "I don't know what to do." So, I bring the child closer with a big smile and say, "He has Down syndrome. It happened when he was growing in my stomach. People with Down syndrome have faces that look like this. Down syndrome also makes it hard for kids to talk so that is why I am telling you about (insert name).

I go on to say that one great thing about Down syndrome is that kids with Ds like to be friends with everyone so if you want to play with (insert name) at the party you can be sure he/she will want to play with you.

At this point the parent of the kid is horrified. I then address the parent by saying, "We never want your child to be in trouble for asking questions about (insert name). If you chastise your child for asking questions, he will stay away from my child because he will see my child as someone who can get him in trouble by just asking questions.

Remember, if a child showed up at the party with a cast on his arm and leg, everyone including adults would have the same look on their face and say, "What happened to that kid?" It would be perfectly understandable. I think it is perfectly understandable for a child to have the same reaction to someone with Ds.

If it is handled gently with understanding, I guantee you the next person with Down syndrome the child encounters will be the recipient of a "hi" or "I've got a friend with Down syndrome. Do you have Down syndrome too?"

mb

[CC]

Aww HUGS to you and Jelani

Honestly I am not sure how I would have handled it, really would depend on the mood I was in that day, KWIM

I have to say though reading your second story and then you said

"after I told her, she said she was going to beat the crap out of her son for saying that. Then as we past the family a couple more times in the store, I heard her telling the boy the same thing."

Hmm K, not knowing any of these people ... BUT after hearing that Mom's comment to her own child about "beat the crap of him" I am not to surprised her son was rude, KWIM You learn what you live and I feel for that boy.

I would just let it go and think about ALL the GREAT things that have been said to you and your son ;D

CC~

[Emilysmom]

Good point, CC. Sometimes, you can see "why" a child is rude..........and parents who think "beating the crap outta you" is an appropriate way to teach a child ANYTHING are certainly parents who could raise rude kids! Kids like that need US to kindly teach them about our kids differences.
But it sure can be hurtful to hear what those kids say at times!

Susan

[momofrussell]

I am at work LOL Can't read all the responses.... I did skim through and read MB's response which is what we usually do. Kids ARE innocent and remember Dawn, Kids LIKE SAME.. if something isn't the same they want to know why. Don't think of it as rude. I was thinking your title had to do with adults, which I have never encountered a rude adult yet and we've been doing 10 yrs of DS now! BUT, I have received quite a few questions and stares about Russell over the years and I welcome it! It gives a chance to talk openly with friends and the kids either at the schools or in our home, about Russell and well, he IS "different" in their eyes. His eyes jiggle, he doesn't talk, he jumps and flaps, his tongue is out lots, he moans... so yes, I get tons of comments like this and I have NEVER felt like it was rude coming from a child. They are curious creatures let me tell you.

Try to consider the source and remember you really CAN tell the difference between down right RUDE and a child who is blunt and curious.... two different things. I don't think that child was being RUDE... I think that child was being blunt and curious.

HUGS!

A.

[victoriasdad]

well........... since i am full of snappy comebacks i would have said, he was born that way ,what in the world happened to your face? but thats just me

[victoriasdad]

and i have to roll my eyes at a statement that rude children are made by parents beating them, rude children, like kids with d.s., come from all kinds of parents, from every social group, and you would have to quantify what exactly beating the crap out of them means,