Isn't that so cute...They Mean Well

[babyC]

Hi Ladies (and gents), I thought I would reach out to you guys to see what you think or do in these situations. I know the people mean well but it gets my hackles up. I am not even sure how much it bothers me, why it bothers me, and what to do in response to it. What is it??? Well, I took my little girl and Colin (DS) out to lunch yesterday and to the movies. At lunch a waitress stated "he is so cute". I just said "thank you, I think so too". I use to have this overwhelming need to say "He has down syndrome". I still have not figure out why I felt I needed to explain this to people. Maybe I thought they were thinking... Does he have DS but just did not ask. I never did say that though. Thankfully, I do not have the urge to say this anymore. Anyway, another waitress came over and stated "He is so handsome. What an angle. They are the happiest babies and what a blessing". That was nice. Why am I upset? She was just being pleasant. Is it because I try and fool myself into thinking he does not look like he has DS to other people? Is it because he is more than DS so why talk about it? Is it because I love him and think he is an angel so I do not need YOU to point that out to me. I do not know what to say to these well meaning people (strangers really). I did not get upset when a lady at Church said, Wow he has really small fingers... So cute and stubby. I just laughed and stated that it was because of the DS. She either did not know he had DS or forgot. But because I know her somewhat and know she really is a nice and caring person. It did not bother me. Later that day at the movies I was in the bathroom helping my girl wash her hands and Colin was in his carrier on the floor. A lady said, Oh he is so cute. some other things. I was distracted. I just said thanks. When I finished with my girl and started to leave. She grabbed me and hugged me. This for some reason did not upset me too much. At first I was shocked but the hug was really a heart felt hug. When she pulled back she said, " my daughter is in the bathroom. I am waiting for her." I thought - well I don't think you are stocking me... like she had to have an excuse for being in the bathroom. I just said OH and left. After I was seated in the theater, I realized what she must have been really saying is that she has a daughter with DS too. The daughter in the stall. I wish I would have gotten the hint earlier and stayed to talk with her. I feel like a fool. She was wanting to connect and I blew her off. I hope I did not hurt her feelings. I waited after my movie ended to see if she was coming out too but she was not there. That was my day. Three different people at three different locations addressing his DS in three different ways.

WELL I guess what I am looking for is some advice as to how to handle these well meaning people. Any insight as to why it upsets me? Did it upset you in the beginning too? Why? I have thought about it and thought about it but my "brain" conflicts with my "heart". My brain understands that they are being nice but my heart feels somewhat offended and hurt

I hope I explained my dilemma so that you will understand what I mean. My husband thinks that the people who actually bring up the DS are well meaning and probably have had some sort of contact with DS in their life (friend, family, neighbor). Okay, brain got it, heart wants to slap them or run.

Cheers, Kelly

[Monique]

Hi Kelly, My son is 8 1/2 and I still have some of those same feelings when people say those things. Same thing used to happen to me when my son was so young like that. I would be minding my own business in CVS and my son would be in the cart (like a year old) and people would come up to me all the time with nice comments like that but all i wanted to do was to shop and was curious why people felt it was alright to come up to me just because my baby had Down Syndrome. Of course at that time his DS was still something i was coming to terms with and still trying to get a handle on my own feeling let alone deal with everyone else's . Now all this time later, i realize that people either want to connect with you because they do know someone with DS or just because of whatever need they have to make themselves feel okay with it by letting you know they feel okay with it.

Not to ramble but basically I dont get offended anymore because i realize they need to let us know their feelings more than we need to hear them. So maybe we are doing them some type of service by letting them. Maybe that sounds odd but now i just smile and thank them and actually am happy that over the years i get more of the nice comments than bad ones. Plus Colin is like your own welcoming wagon!LOL! You'll be surprised at some the relationships you may develop because someone commented on your beautiful boy!

Monique

[Emilysmom]

Kelly,
I'd love to give you insight to what you are feeling, but I think you nailed it! I think so many of those feelings you mentioned (wanting people to say "he's cute" and just leave it at that....not even mention the Ds, because you know how precious he is and don't really need/want others to point it out, etc.) are exactly what I went through many years ago. And the whole thing about your brain and heart conflicting...........yes! That makes such sense! ALL those things are legitimate feelings!

When Emily was a baby, every person we saw would come up to us and comment on her thick head of hair. I would smile and comment on how she really did have gorgeous hair. But I can remember thinking I was so thankful that God gave her beautiful hair, so people could comment on something besides Ds. I used to wonder, when people stopped me and commented that she was a beautiful baby, if they meant "beautiful for a baby with Ds". I don't know that I've admitted having that thought before, but I clearly remember it.

I don't know about you, but the comments about babies with Ds being angels and the sweetest/most loving children on earth.......that sort of bugs me because it's such a stereotype. Kids with Ds are all different! And yet, I think it is one of those things that people have always heard , and it seems like a good/positive thing to say.....maybe they feel that we need to hear lots of positive stuff??

I don't always approach other parents of kids with Ds when I see them in public.....just never sure if it will be welcomed, or if it will make the parent feel strange. I did, however, walk up to a woman in Toys R Us when Emily was about 10 (Em wasn't with me though), and I commented that her daughter with Ds was very pretty. She truly was a beautiful girl, about 3 yrs old. The woman beamed. Then, I added...." I have a 10 yr old daughter with Down syndrome". The woman's face FELL, and she said something like "oh, I see" and walked away. I felt horrible! Later, I thought about it and really felt that she simply wanted someone to comment about how pretty her daughter was with NO mention of the Ds. And I get that. I still understand that, and my daughter is nearly 18! ! ! !

Kelly, one thing I know for sure........you'll hear all sorts of comments in the next few years. And if your experience is anything like mine, 99% of them will be well-intended, kind, thoughtful comments. I agree with your husband that many people who do comment, do so because they have a loved one or student or friend who has Ds, and that relationship is a positive one.

How old is Colin now? I'd love to see him again!!!

[Jackie]

Kelly this was a GREAT post...first of all I think you handled it all quite well. I think everyone here can relate to you. I feel like I am part of this great elite 'club' of parents of kids with DS and I would like to think most other parents feel that way too...but ya never know, do you?

I have people who come into my studio ...this is a mid size town and I imagine most newer parents of kids with DS hear about us and Em...and are told they can find me at my art studio. But when most of them come in they are not appearing to be seeing me out so it leaves me clueless as to how to handle their babes. The same thing used to happen when I had a childrens clothing store. They would come in...walk around...and leave without buying. I just never have figured out a correct 'pickup line' to introduce the subject when they don't do it first.

Kelly ...like you I usually found a way to introduce DS into the conversation when people came up to me with Emily. For me that was an ice breaker and I was comfortable talking about it. I guess I sort of figured too that in a way it might be educating others in the process. If I have Emily with me it's a lot easier to approach someone else. But I am still pretty clueless as to how to approach someone else for fear of offending them.

Jackie

[Googsmom aka Jennifer]

{{{{HUGS KELLY}}}}}} I used to think that everyone could tell Brook had Ds. As of yet I have heard no bad comment twards her. Alot of curious onlookers who want to ask questions. Our kids do alot of breaking the sterotype of Ds, i'm certain, so people have questions. After I say she has Ds, if they ask, I hear alot of "but she can do this" and " look at her she's running all over the bank messing desks up" and " wow, she can sign like that but I thought she has Ds?" etc.. Of corse she can! "Guess what else she does" I usually say if I feel like the person needs a bit more insight into Brooks life. I'll anwser any question they have and hopefully learn them up a bit. Can't ever have too many advocates ya know

The story. I'm going to share this with you. This just happened the other day. I have a lady who moved into one of the apartments at work. She see's Brook everyday, sometimes alot in a day. ( Brook is the boss at the apts so everyone knows her when she makes her rounds over there...LOL) So the lady is in the parking lot puffin a smoke and is staring at my van. She says to me " I see your sticker on your van. Who do you know who has Ds?" I was floored. I said that Brooker has Ds and then she was floored. Come to find out she has an uncle w/ Ds in his 50's Funny how that works. Now I know that not everyone knows Brook has Ds and when I hear the oh so cute comments or whatever, it really is b/c she is cute and the people are just nice like that.

As you know I have no shortage of blabbermouth going on. If I see parents of a little one w/ Ds I will walk up to them and say HI. Tell them about play group and of corse invite them. One time I had a guest staying here. I saw her son had Ds. I grabbed up Brook and we marched right on over and I said "Ahh I see you have an Angel just like me." That was awhile back and I still talk w/ her through email. You just never know when you will find a good buddy And if they are standoffish or "afraid" (for lack of a better word, it's early) I say good day and maybe some other day if I see them around i'll say Hi again. There is a family who lives 4 doors down who I invite everywhere, tell all about cool stuff coming to town, etc... and they still do their own thing. I think they came to one bbq a couple yrs ago, thats it. All you can do is try.

I hope you find Peace with the comments you hear. Most people are kind I like to believe. Sending {{{{{HUGS}}}} to you.

[wrblack]

Many versions, twists and turns, to this thread.
But what I dread is the day I say something to someone, and they say, "What!?!" -- Bob

[babyC]

Hi~ Thanks for the feedback. It helps. Someone asked me about pictures or seeing Colin. I can not get pictures on this website. Here is our family website if you would like to see some of Colin and the girls. robertsonfamilyjournal.shutterfly.com/ Cheers, Kelly

[Kristin]

Like many of you, I'm hesitant about approaching other parents outside of a support group environment. It is easier when Clarice is with me, too. I have to share that our family traveled across the southern states in June. We were helping my husband with his comic book business. As we finished working a convention, one of the other sellers stopped by the booth and commented that if she hadn't heard us discussing her disability with someone else, they would not have known that she was disabled. This woman had spent the entire weekend straight across from us. At other conventions, we were introduced to several who had relatives with DS. We even had an author come up to us and start asking about Clarice. It turns out he has a 2 year old with DS and wanted to talk about not sheltering his daughter from the public as she grew up.

The reactions of people are always interesting. I don't think I've ever offended anyone, but then again, I've also probably missed opportunities by not approaching someone. I was sitting with a mother whose son has a cleft palate and we starting discussing support services. It all came about by a comment she made about disability services in this town. One thing she said, and is true about where we live, the hospitals seem to be lacking in knowledge about where to send parents for support and services.

[CC]

HUGS girl I get what you are saying and for me honestly Chris is 16 and 1/2 and my reaction/feelings all depend on the day I am having...

Some days no matter what anyone may say I am just fine BUT other days OMG I may walk away thinking WTF did that mean.... LOL

CC~

[steffipoo]

lmao jACKIE "PICKUP LINE."

[babyC]

Good One CC

[kg91207]

You could just be like my husband and I and wear our shirts that basically advertise we have a child with Down syndrome-that is how we met Jackie! hee hee. We did have a friend ask us if it bothers us if people ask us about Kaelyn having Down syndrome. No, it doesn't. We see it as an opportunity to educate others. The only time someone has come up to us and said something about her having DS was at the capitol back in March. This woman came up to us and said "she is so cute. I am a teacher and I work with several kids with DS". We were actually really surprised because most people say they don't notice right away that Kaelyn has DS!