HELPPPPP Discipline Problems

[Cathy]

Ok... I need some major help here... I need to know where to get reading information on how to discipline a child with DS.

Katie is really testing us. I am not sure I know how to handle this. She is defiant and stubborn. Her teachers send home notes everyday.. I hoping that is just boredom and spring fever.

Any direction would be greatly appreciated...

Losing it in the UP

[Jessie]

Hi Cathy,

As far as the discipline goes, I'm probably not going to be much help here - we usually will give Jason the chance to correct his behavior and if he is being really defiant he gets a time out or something taken away from him for a while. His teacher uses time outs as well. Where is MB when we need her?!!

But, as far as the notes coming home from school, I would like to throw my 2 cents in here. We have a communication book that gets sent back and forth to school everyday for Jason. There are many days that nothing is written (no news is good news!) and then there are days where they write things like "Jason threw a pencil at another student today and it hit them in the face". That's it, no explanation of what was going on, how he was disciplined, nothing. Me and Brian are going ok, what exactly do they want us to do with this information at this point? There's never an excuse to lash out physically or throw something, but more details would be nice.

My sister put it into perspective for me a while ago. She said she would hate to have that same type of communication book for her typical daughter. She can only imagine what would be written if the teacher was given a book to write in everyday about every little incident! The communication, whether it's a book or notes home have to be taken with a little grain of salt because you are probably not getting a 100% complete picture of everything that happened.

If you do think that she is really acting badly at school, could she be bored with the curriculum, are they re-directing her in the right way for HER, is there something that is just really bugging her at school, could she not be feeling well, is she tired a lot? There could be so many things affecting her behavior. I hope the teacher is willing to really discuss the issues with you and try to figure out what's setting her off.

Maybe she needs to be given some responsibilities to keep her mind occupied on something constructive. I know, that one is easier said than done. However, when we yell for Jason to come down for dinner he usually grunts or growls at us because he is engrossed in a movie in his bedroom. But, when we say, come on you need to get the table set, he practically flies down the stairs. So, we have learned not to continue to yell to him to come down stairs or to go up and get him, we tell him he needs to do something and it works every time.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Jessie

[ashleysmom]

I have been going thru the same problem with Ashley(2 1/2yrs) She does what she wants,hits baby Lisa, climbs on evrything, and now walking out the doors and taking walks ALONE...We did time outs, NOPE didn't work. I put her in a chair, tried to make her sign sorry, I was just being put at my wits end.. I asked the Dr. what should I do, he stated do what you did with the other kids. So now when she takes knives(YES knives) out of the draw I put the knife back slap her hand and tell her NO, I then put her in her room for a few minutes with the baby gate up. She can climb the baby gate so I have to stand there and kind of push her back in. When she hits Lisa I spank her bottom and do the same. I have to say this has worked for us and I feel like I'm yelling alot less and the couple of spankings was all it took. The first couple days it seemed like I was spanking alot, but after 2 or 3 days she seemed to figure out I meant what I was saying.
No more,
Spitting in our faces,
hiiting stopped,
knive throwing stopped,
pulling hair stopped,
climbing, well getting better,
kicking us in the face when we picked her up stopped,
taking walks alone, when she can she will but we fenced our yard in now..LOL
She defanately(sp?) is responding to us with respect now, follows directions much better.
As much as I hated to spank her little buns that seem to be what it took to get my sweet Angel back.
Good luck

[shellk]

I must say that with Ms. Kourtney defiante and stubborn were and are her middle name. We still have some behavior problems with her, but she truly knows that I mean business, and she will be put in the time-out corner up to as many times a day as needed. I also made it a point to contact her teacher and the school, and they use the same techniques at school that I use at home. And over the course of the last few months, the school and myself have noticed a BIG difference. Consistancy (sp?) seems to be the best policy with her, no matter how many times it takes. I have learned that I have to stand my ground and let her know that no matter if she huffs, kicks, screams, hits, or whatever she does she is in that corner for 6 minutes...1 minute for every year old. And if that seems to not help she goes into her room with NOTHING for entertainment. Good luck to ya honey...!!! Sending positive thoughts your way. !!

Michele

[ValerieC]

I'm struggling with this area as well with my 20 month old with DS. I have contacted a few organizations that I trusted who deal with family issues Focus on the Family and Family Life Today. I've come to the realization that I too need to use the same method with Alethea that I used with my older children.

My difficulty is knowing that I know that I know that Alethea understands and comprehends what I am saying to her. Does she get it when I say, "No touch Mommy's books!"? Not sure...How do you teach a toddler what "No touch" means?

It's funny I never questioned my parenting with my typical children, why am I questioning myself now?

Valerie C

[YoshsMom]

We've got a chair with high sides that I turn to a blank wall. Yosh gets told what he did wrong (no hitting, throwing, etc.) and stays there for 1 minute. I go along with the 1 min per year, but Yosh functions at 1 1/2 so 1 min is all he can take. After that he forgets why he's there. When the minutes up he either has to say sorry or pick up and put away what he threw. Any crying, yelling or whining gets ignored.

The good thing about the chair is I can keep hiom in it without physical contact. He gets no eye contact either and I keep my voice calm, at least I try not to yell
When he does the right thing he gets applause and hugs, when he misbehaves he gets nothing.

[rickismom]

Yoshsmom touched on sa very important point. Be VERY SURE not to give any attention, even NEGATIVE as a reward for behavior. Clear firm punishments (non physical) given with no eye contacts, no lectures, etc.

[Kristen]

We do the time out chair. 1 minute a year. I told him he better shape up soon becuse he's almost 3 so that adds a minute LOL! If he is in his highchair he gets turned around for the same amount of time. I start with a warning and correction like picking up a toy or what not when applicable then the next time is time out. He is at the point where I give the warnignand say next time is time out and he looks all concerned and shakes his head noooo. Heck, I have given time outs in dressing rooms at the mall in a pinch LOL! Any old port in a storm.

[caitlynjoy]

With my Caitlyn who is 4 yrs old we do the time out thing but when she is really defiant or hits or deliberately tellls me no or throws stuff, or pulls her sisters hair she gets a paddle with the ruler. Most times now all I have to do is walk towards the drawer where the paddle is and she stops and says she's sorry or if I've asked her to pick up her toys and she tells me no I head for the drawer and she runs and starts picking up. She understands completely when she's being fresh and I hate that I have to spank her sometimes but it really works and she gets it. Hope that helps a little.

Lynn

[mome23kjnc]

if I could suggest what worked MIRACLES for us? It borders on bribery, so keep that in mind. But it works, and it works WELL, and you can explain away the bribery by saying you are ALSO teaching coin values lol.
Get a coffee can, have your child help you paint and decorate it, make it fun, make it THEIRS. Then take a trip to the dollar store or walmart, buy about 20-30 little "prizes", from stickers to crayons to a video or stuffed animal. Also buy some pretend coins (in the office supply section, dont KNOW why) Then start rewarding EVERY good behavior you see, at first I mean EVERYTHING...they say thank you..."here is a token for having such NICE manners. Put it in your token jar." Carry tokens in your pockets, have sibs do the same. At first you want LOTS of tokens, and you want to praise the GOOD behaviors and ignore as much of the bad as you can. You can use the tokens as a reminder that good behavior is desirable..."we have to go, if you can show me your very best manners and put your coat on, we can earn a token and get a token prize later" At bedtime that night, lay out the goodies, and allow them to "buy" a token prize...just one....praise them for working SO hard. The next day, start all over again. By day 4, you should be able to get pretty compliant behavior with the mere mention of a token prize. We did the whole "token prize picking" after dinner, bath, and just before bedtime. It REALLY helped get compliance at bedtime and ended our day VERY positively. Never take away a token, if they have earned it it is THEIRS. Be sure to praise the good behaviors, and be quiet as you can manage about the bad. You can gently point out that "if you want to try to do that again tommorrow without ____, we can work on earning a token". Leave it at that though. By the end of the week, your child will likely be trying extra hard to please you and earn that token. For us, we took pictures of special things, the movie theatre, swimming, sledding, whatever, and made those "prizes" as well. Made me feel better about the bribery thing. AFter a month or two of tokens every night, my dd's behavior had done a 180. She was willing and smiley and eager to please. I firmly believe it was more ME who gained with the token system, because I really was forced to acknowledge the good behaviors. Now, we do token prizes very infrequently, and often will just pick something up at the store she is admiring and tell her "you have been SO good, and Im SO proud of you, you can pick your OWN token prize today" It may be bribery, but it is short term and the benefits are VERY long term. If you are really struggling, it may be worth a try.

[CC]

For us girl, I was advised to pick the worst of the behaviors and work on that and let the others go for a bit. Now Chris, I can honestly tell you, Hmmm well lets say had more then a few behaviors LOL Although I like to think of it as he was just a very indendent, curious child LOL Anywho for us that really did work, the worst of the worst was his flopping on the gound when he didn't want to do something, Grrrrrr how I disliked that So we worked on that and that alone and EVERYONE that was in contact with Chris worked on that. Honestly I was shocked how fast we got thru that behavior and then went on to the second worst of the worst Now even at 12 every now and then he will revert to that old stuff and I just say, Chris you want time out?? And he says NO and shapes up or most recent we are doing the 1 2 3 and at the moment that works like a charm ;D

I feel for you girl, been there and still there somedays

One other thing I wanted to share is sometimes,well most times, LOLOL, what other people shared with me didn't always work at that certain time, so I would have to try all till I found what did WORK, BUT I kept them in mind and tried later and it would work, KWIM ??

For us Time Out was tuff but once Chris got a handle on what it meant, it worked

HUGS

CC~

[steffipoo]

Time outs time aways so many things tried and most have failed. BUT the BEST way to get my girl to act right is to PRAISE those around her for doing such a GREAT job on whatever she is not doing. My girl is so social and this works like MAGIC. I remember when she was in kinder and the teachers said at morning business which was 45 minutes of sitting still on the rug, after 10 minutes Liv was rolling around on the floors just being a bored pill. NO MATTER how many times the teachers said NO OLIVIA SIT UP or come here etc she refused. Now interestingly enough when the team discussed this in our weekly meeting to do this you shoulda heard the positive response from the also reg ed kinder teachers. All they had to do was say when Liv was rolling around , OH JONNY WOW ypou are sitting up and listening so nicely I like that etc etc. Liv would pop up like a pop tart from the Lucy Arnazs' toaster and behave impeccably. Whoulda thunk. Guess they get sick of hearing no all the time and we need to sometimes change our approach. This worked and still does MAGNIFICENTLY for us. try it. Plus it take the attention away from your child who is disturbing the rest of the class whereby they get no attentiuon for the negative behavior. I also asked them to make sure they praised Liv when she was being good and use her name as a role model for a kid who may be having a behavior difficulty at the time. SIMPLE yet ohhhh so effective for her. HUGS STEFF