Post by TriciaF on May 17, 2005 19:17:19 GMT -5
Hi guys....saw the behavior threads and thought that this was worth posting. It was written and developed by Dr. W Mark Posey, USC School of Medicine (thats South Carolina to you left coasters) LOL
Anyway, he is a great guy and is the Dr that recently did Patrick's first psychological. He handed this out at our recent Ds conference. I hope he won't mind my sharing with you folks- properly referenced of course.
1) Parents should not judge their parenting skills by their child's behavior.
Parents cannot control all behaviors that their children choose to do. Children have their own minds and will often do things that do not please us despite our best parenting efforts. However, we can control how we react to their misbehavior.
When we are judging how we are doing as parents, we need to look at how we "react" to our children's misbehavior; this we can control, our children's behavior we cannot. We need to ask ourselves: " how are we doing and what are we doing when our children choose to do something that is wrong/inappropriate"?
2) Their child does not have to love them in order for them to be doing a good job.
We want our children to love us, this is every parent's desire; however, it should not be the goal of parenting. If having your child love you is the goal of your parenting, then you will base your decisions (discipline) on whether or not your child will love you after you tell them what has to happen. This is a recipe for disaster. Keep the " I want them to love me" a desire, never have it as a goal. If you do not keep that perspective you will never be able to make good/appropriate decisions.
3) Not knowing or understanding where it is that you want your child to end up.
Many parents parent for the moment; sometimes it may be seen as " for survival." It is best that you keep in mind where you want your children to end up as they get older and leave you. You want them to be independently functioning...are you guiding/directing them in this manner or are you doing more for them than you should because you find it easier? When you teach, direct, guide, discipline keep in mind the end goal is to have them functioning well as independent adults.
4) Not understanding child development.
Parents often find themselves "getting onto their children" for things that may be considered developmentally appropriate for them to be doing (or not being able to do). It is very important to understand what and where your child is developmentally and what is expected (or not expected) of someone that age.
5) Not practicing at home what you expect them to do in public.
Children do not often possess that instant on/off button for changing behaviors like adults do. Thus, it is very important that parents practice (and make them perform at home) those things and behaviors that they want them to perform in public. Parents should not expect them to do in public what they did not perform regularly at home. For example: do they run in the house? Are they allowed to get up from the table during meals without permission? Do they use good table manners at all meals? If they do not do these at home, do not be surprised if they do not do them out in public.
6) Not modeling what you want them to do.
Many parents use the saying, "do what I say, not what I do" as their modus operandus (normal way of functioning). Children learn a lot by listening to what you say, but they learn much more by watching what you do. So, the best learning will occur if what you are doing matches what you are saying on a daily basis.
If you are telling them to clean their room, is your clean? If you are telling them not to use certain words, do you sometimes use those words? If you tell them to treat others respectfully, do you? If you tell them not to lie, do you (when someone calls, do you tell them to tell the person that you are not at home? Why not just say, "tell them I will call them later" or "ask them if they can call back(at a certain time)"?
7) How parents react to the behaviors.
Parents will often avoid dealing with behaviors that need to be dealt with immediately due to being too tired, not interested in a confrontation, or not knowing quite what to do. There are also some other concerns:
Parents sometimes fail to reward good behavior. The child has finally cleaned their room; you notice it and fail to encourage/compliment your child.
Parents sometimes reward bad behavior. Your child is watching TV. You tell your child it is time to turn off the TV and get ready for bed. Your child has a temper tantrum and you give in. You have just rewarded bad behavior.
Parents sometimes punish good behavior. Your child has finally cleaned their room; but you go in and tell them all the places that they did not put things instead of complimenting all the good things that you see in the room.
Parents sometimes fail to punish behavior that requires some type of mild punishment. Punishment for some behaviors helps a child learn the value of certain deeds. If a child hits another child and the child does not get punished, the message has just been sent that hitting another person is "not that big a deal" - they are likely to do it again when the situation calls for it. Or, if the punishment is too mild for the infractions, the child will not get the message that what he/she did was a major offense which you to not want repeated.
8) Afraid of disciplining because of the different special needs involved with the child.
Parents who have children with special needs often treat them more carefully than they need to. The job of a parent is to certainly care for their child, but it is also to raise children who will grow up to be as independently functioning as possible.
By not making a child do things that they are capable of doing, even if difficult, is further handicapping a child from being all that they can be.
This is often a very difficult task for parents of children with different types of special needs, but is is absolutely necessary to help the child to a more functional and independent adult.
Anyway, he is a great guy and is the Dr that recently did Patrick's first psychological. He handed this out at our recent Ds conference. I hope he won't mind my sharing with you folks- properly referenced of course.
1) Parents should not judge their parenting skills by their child's behavior.
Parents cannot control all behaviors that their children choose to do. Children have their own minds and will often do things that do not please us despite our best parenting efforts. However, we can control how we react to their misbehavior.
When we are judging how we are doing as parents, we need to look at how we "react" to our children's misbehavior; this we can control, our children's behavior we cannot. We need to ask ourselves: " how are we doing and what are we doing when our children choose to do something that is wrong/inappropriate"?
2) Their child does not have to love them in order for them to be doing a good job.
We want our children to love us, this is every parent's desire; however, it should not be the goal of parenting. If having your child love you is the goal of your parenting, then you will base your decisions (discipline) on whether or not your child will love you after you tell them what has to happen. This is a recipe for disaster. Keep the " I want them to love me" a desire, never have it as a goal. If you do not keep that perspective you will never be able to make good/appropriate decisions.
3) Not knowing or understanding where it is that you want your child to end up.
Many parents parent for the moment; sometimes it may be seen as " for survival." It is best that you keep in mind where you want your children to end up as they get older and leave you. You want them to be independently functioning...are you guiding/directing them in this manner or are you doing more for them than you should because you find it easier? When you teach, direct, guide, discipline keep in mind the end goal is to have them functioning well as independent adults.
4) Not understanding child development.
Parents often find themselves "getting onto their children" for things that may be considered developmentally appropriate for them to be doing (or not being able to do). It is very important to understand what and where your child is developmentally and what is expected (or not expected) of someone that age.
5) Not practicing at home what you expect them to do in public.
Children do not often possess that instant on/off button for changing behaviors like adults do. Thus, it is very important that parents practice (and make them perform at home) those things and behaviors that they want them to perform in public. Parents should not expect them to do in public what they did not perform regularly at home. For example: do they run in the house? Are they allowed to get up from the table during meals without permission? Do they use good table manners at all meals? If they do not do these at home, do not be surprised if they do not do them out in public.
6) Not modeling what you want them to do.
Many parents use the saying, "do what I say, not what I do" as their modus operandus (normal way of functioning). Children learn a lot by listening to what you say, but they learn much more by watching what you do. So, the best learning will occur if what you are doing matches what you are saying on a daily basis.
If you are telling them to clean their room, is your clean? If you are telling them not to use certain words, do you sometimes use those words? If you tell them to treat others respectfully, do you? If you tell them not to lie, do you (when someone calls, do you tell them to tell the person that you are not at home? Why not just say, "tell them I will call them later" or "ask them if they can call back(at a certain time)"?
7) How parents react to the behaviors.
Parents will often avoid dealing with behaviors that need to be dealt with immediately due to being too tired, not interested in a confrontation, or not knowing quite what to do. There are also some other concerns:
Parents sometimes fail to reward good behavior. The child has finally cleaned their room; you notice it and fail to encourage/compliment your child.
Parents sometimes reward bad behavior. Your child is watching TV. You tell your child it is time to turn off the TV and get ready for bed. Your child has a temper tantrum and you give in. You have just rewarded bad behavior.
Parents sometimes punish good behavior. Your child has finally cleaned their room; but you go in and tell them all the places that they did not put things instead of complimenting all the good things that you see in the room.
Parents sometimes fail to punish behavior that requires some type of mild punishment. Punishment for some behaviors helps a child learn the value of certain deeds. If a child hits another child and the child does not get punished, the message has just been sent that hitting another person is "not that big a deal" - they are likely to do it again when the situation calls for it. Or, if the punishment is too mild for the infractions, the child will not get the message that what he/she did was a major offense which you to not want repeated.
8) Afraid of disciplining because of the different special needs involved with the child.
Parents who have children with special needs often treat them more carefully than they need to. The job of a parent is to certainly care for their child, but it is also to raise children who will grow up to be as independently functioning as possible.
By not making a child do things that they are capable of doing, even if difficult, is further handicapping a child from being all that they can be.
This is often a very difficult task for parents of children with different types of special needs, but is is absolutely necessary to help the child to a more functional and independent adult.
Since the past we have together and some decisions I made when she was younger that effected our relationship, #1 is ALWAYS the hardest for me.