Cory my 15 year old

[babyface2]

My son Cory is 15 and in high school in a MH classroom.
Is is very smart, has excellent verbal skills, very high
functioning.etc.

The problem I am having is that, because of his DS,
we have always babied him and done mostly everything
for him. Now that he is the typical teenager, well he
has become very demanding. He wants us to do totally
everything for him. Get his drink, bring him whatever
he wants, etc. At school he does everything for
himself. It is starting to drive me crazy. If I say no
Cory get it yourself,which he is very capable of, he
starts whyning and yelling. I am at my wits end with
this. Its like rasing a 200lb. child. (I suppose this is
why his weight is so high, completely lazy. Please
help me.

pat

[kristin]

Wow, I feel bad for you! You must be so frustrated! I am running through things in my head that you could try, but it really comes down to the fact that you definitely have your hands full on this one, and I don't think there's an "easy" fix! Its going to take some time! It took 15 years to build the "bad habits" and it may take awhile to undo them!

First off, maybe you could start thinking of this behavior as "learned helplessness" rather than being "lazy"; (and he may in fact, be a little lazy, I don't know...) But "lazy" kind of has a hostile tone to it, which might be the first hurdle (among many, it sounds like) in solving the problem. If he senses your anger, then he will likely not be as willing to help solve the problem!

This next idea sounds really simplistic, and maybe it won't work, but what if you put Cory on a behavior chart? (I know these are often used with younger kids, but it sounds like you need something concrete to help you track the behavior and help you see the progress, or lack of...) Each time he did something for himself, he could add a smiley, a star, (or even a sticker??) to the chart. After earning three (or some small number to start) marks, he could get some kind of reward, or even a small amount of money. You could gradually increase the number of marks he had to get in order to earn the reward. Also, before you start, you might just want to focus on getting him to do a few things himself; not everything right off the bat! (Just getting his own clothes out, or just getting himself a snack, or a drink, etc.) Then increase your expectations a little as time goes on.

I don't know if this will help --- just an idea. I will be interested to hear what others have to offer on this!

Good luck, and take care!

[Jessie]

I had posted this on the MB originally, so I'm just copying what I already typed:

We go through the same thing with Jason. He might grunt or groan the first time we make him do something on his own, but eventually he ENJOYS doing things on his own. If we would let him cook his own meals he would. However, being that he puts popcorn in the microwave for 30 minutes lets us know he's not quite ready yet! LOL

Anyway, my husband told me something when we first met that has stuck with me and set the pace for how I was going to treat Jason and try to push him to be independant. Brian's ex wife (Jason's mother), said the reason she wanted a divorce and that Brian could take Jason is because they were both holding her back from living her life fully, especially because of Jason's needs. However, she never taught him to do anything on his own. So, therefore, she literally was trapped with catering to his every need on his every whim. That would be exhausting for anyone to deal with on a daily basis with no light at the end of the tunnel.

From the moment that Brian told me that, I thought, how crazy! Teach him to be independant, take him to public places (restaurants, etc.), do things with him so that he can LEARN how he is supposed to act and how to do things and so that YOU can live your life as well. We can take Jason anywhere now and that was not necessarily the case before.

He does amazing things now, pretty much gets himself ready in the morning, sets the dinner table, clears the table, tries to vacuum, makes his bed, gets his own drink, etc. All of these are done with varying degrees of supervision, but the point is, we are not having to do every little thing for him anymore. Trust me when I say it is well worth the time and the effort to get your child to learn to do these things on their own. You will free yourself to some extent where you feel like you can breathe - and you will allow him to be the best person he can be.

Jessie

[christie]

In all honesty here, this is the area, I slack in and tend to do for Chris as its quicker and my sweet sweet HUBBY aka Colin refuses to do that. Chris yells for a yogurt or drink or whatever and I tend to just get him it, WRONG Colin and Kodi Lee my 15 year old will say "Get it yourself, you are capable" He doesn't like being told to get it himself cause I have spoiled him BUT now I have seen the light and make him do it too ;D YUP he wines some and asks over and over, and if I don't respond, he will YELL, as if I hadn't heard him, LOL BUT I don't get it for him and if he really wants something he can/will get up and go get it ;D

Actually I wouldn't call it lazy but call it smart, Really I mean if someone is willing to wait on you hand and foot, why not go with it, least thats what my bet your son is thinking

Gonna be tuff at first BUT STOP now doing what he can do, just STOP and after a few times of whining I bet you will see a change ;D

BEST of Luck to you ~

CC

[Jodi]

I agree with Kristin - learned helplessness is what it's all about. You kinda have to see it from his perspective. All these things have been done for him for so long, and now all the sudden it's changing.

I would focus on one or two behaviors at a time until they are a habit. For example, if he wants a drink, ask him to help you get it. Let him see what you do. Gradually have him do more. If he is flat out refusing to do anything, I think I would say, "ok - if you want a drink, you can help me, or you won't get a drink". If he yells etc. that might be something you have to put up with until he realizes that yelling won't get him the results it used to.

The most difficult thing about learned helplessness is we, the parents, learning to not give in so soon in trying to help our kids be more responsible. It's difficult, and frustrating, but in the long run it's worth it. He can help himself, and you won't be so much a "slave"!

Good luck!

[Emilysmom]

Pat~
I can relate so much to what several people have said about "learned helplessness". I know for a fact that I've done it to a certain extent with my 13 year old, and we are now working hard to overcome it.
~
I started the whole process of doing way tooo much for Emily when she was very young.........either I was afraid it was too difficult for her to do, or that she'd make a mess, or that it would take too long for her to do it. I'll readily admit that I wanted to do whatever I could to make everything "easier" for her. And, by doing so.....I really slowed her down more. She needed practice! Seeing what her little brother (2 years younger) naturally does for himself has helped me to see the areas where I need to push Emily. I really don't see her as lazy...........she has just learned that it's SO much easier to just let everyone who loves her take care of everything! It is getting SO much better. Hang in there, and take one day at a time and one task at a time.

Susan

[rickismom]

I agreee with CC--- you"ll be surprised how fast he will pick up if you make it obvious that you are starting to stop. You can also give prizes as an encentive at first, but preferably "natural consequences".