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Post by Alice on May 1, 2005 8:07:29 GMT -5
Hello all! Have not been here for a while - was very busy (started full time job). Just came back to share something with you. Finally we decided that we need to let my father-in-low (he lives overseas and visited us once when Luke was only 6 months and now wants to come back again for long term vacations) that Luke is having DS. We wrote him a letter that God gave us a son with DS, so Luke is having delays and will not go to Harvard or other prestige college that he will not be a champion in regular sport and so on..; but he is very wonderful, lovely, warm, and beautiful little person who made us be better people. The reaction was not pleasant at all.  He wrote us back that he was very upset about that fact (he has DS grandson) and was very disappointed of us that we did not perform an Amnio and did not get rid of our son.  He did not even mention Luke's name in his letter just like there is no any Luke here any more.  My FIL wants to have vacations at our home but we do not think so that we want that grand-dad to be around Luke for 2 months. We remember how he was not happy and rude about seeing Luke' delays long time ago. We do not want our son be around ignorant person. Thanks for letting me vent... |
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Post by momofrussell on May 1, 2005 8:38:09 GMT -5
Aw Alice.. how sad Sorry FIL was like that. I have a couple of thoughts... if you don't mind. I know FIL is NOT happy at this... and since you had your own reasons to keep it from him and he is acting in such a manor, it might need to sink in a little. Also, feeling sad and bad about FIL NOT accepting Luke and then keeping him from him to me is not a good idea. I just think if you and your family would like acceptance from FIL, then he NEEDS to be re-introduced to Luke and maybe, possible, learn who he is and accept Luke and love him.... you know your FIL better then I, but it would be sad to now leave things the way they are... knowing there might be a glimmer of hope for your FIL to know and love and accept him. Plus, I think as a parent, the need to educate is there too. I think you really need to give it a shot. Also, you mentioned to you FIL about Luke not being able to go to Harvard or other prestigeous college, champion in a regular sport.. which may or may not be true come the time he is ready for all of this... so, I don't think telling your FIL these things is helping the picture he has in his head for a child w/DS... KWIM? Honestly, I don't know if Russell will be doing those things either... who knows WHO's child will be at 21... but those ARE options for our kids... DEFINATELY!!! So, don't discount those goals just yet. AND.. if Luke becomes a proffession spec ed sports guy... THAT is STILL a major accomplishment!!!! So, FIL needs to know what all he COULD be able to do when he gets older, not the things he can't....but that is just my opinion. I say give it a shot girl! You could get ready some fine pics and articles on famous, and/or successful people w/DS that are in the world.. and share with him who WE are here.. and hey.. look at the older kids here and what some of THEM do!!! Show him THAT!!! THEN.. if he really wants nothing to do with Luke, kick him out! LOL But give it a try Alice. He already has a bad pic painting in his head.. .so the ONLY way to go is UP from here.. and you have NOTHING to loose!!!! And you are always going to be around an ignorant person... sooner or later.. sometimes more then you want... and that is your time to try and educate.  We can't change the world, or change opinions.. but we can try..... Good luck Alice...... Oh.. and I was wondering where you were... nice to see you post! A. |
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Post by justinsmom on May 1, 2005 10:38:50 GMT -5
Alice first off HUGS. As for your FIL, I'm soooooo sorry he feels this way but ,He still wants to come for a visit, knowing perfectly well Luke will be there and you had mentioned the last time he saw Luke he was much younger so now when he comes he will see just what Luke CAN do. And lets face it there's alot of typical kids that will not make it to Harvard or be professional athletes. I agree with A. it's time to educate and hey we all know what a smile from one of our kiddos can do . I think you owe it to yourself and Luke to at least give it a shot, this way you won't feel any guilt because you know you tried. Good luck in whatever you decide and hugs. |
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Post by Emilysmom on May 1, 2005 12:50:04 GMT -5
Alla~
I am SO sorry that he reacted like that! I remember so well a couple years ago when you posted that you were afraid to tell your family members because you were afraid that their reaction would not be good. At that time, my immediate thought was that your family would surely LOVE Luke, no matter what and that it would be ok. I'm sorry I was wrong!!
I will soon be a grandmother myself and just can not relate to NOT adoring my grandchild......and I guess I'm naive enough to assume that all grandparents feel the same way. Like the others have said, perhaps he will change his way of thinking. I think I'll begin to pray that God will change his heart!! Giving him a bit of time to adjust to the news may help.
I hope you don't mind me saying this, but....when you think of it, we don't have any guarantees with ANY of our kids. I know very very well that even the smartest kids don't always go to prestigious colleges. My oldest son is extremely smart. He had SO much potential!! But, that was not what HE wanted for his life and we have loved him through all his mistakes and bad choices. Your Boris may very well choose to not attend a prestigious college or to be successful in sports either, but that won't make him any less loved or valued. I'm hoping your FIL will learn this and will not choose to lose out on a relationship with Luke. I know this has to be very painful for you and your husband, and I'm sorry.
Susan
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Post by donnita on May 1, 2005 14:30:32 GMT -5
I'm sorry that your FIL had such a bad reaction to the news. I agree with the others that if he still wants to vacation at your house, then you should invite him to. Once he gets to know Luke again, he will probably love him.
He could also just be upset that he is just learning this now, five years after you and your husband learned it. Just as we parents usually go through a period where we mourn the loss of the typical child we didn't have, he may need time to adjust to that same fact.
My father wasn't alive when Cassandra was born. He died when Marissa was 15 months old. But the love he had for her was amazing and I'm sure he would have felt the same way about Cassandra if he had met her. I'm not sure if this will make sense but here goes - I think that if he had been alive and found out about the Ds while in the waiting room, then he would have thought that he couldn't love her as much as he loved Marissa, but then that would have changed when he actually saw her. The news would be easier for him if he could see her, and feel his love for her, while hearing it. Did that make sense?
Good luck!
Donnita
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Post by christie on May 1, 2005 18:06:00 GMT -5
Awwwwww HUGS to you ALICE  I am sooo sorry you have to deal with this girl BUT just know I can relate. We have not seen our MIL in over 5 years now and she just lives one town over She would bring things over for Kodi Lee and not Chris and her response was "Oh he doesn't know"  Was just NOT ACCEPTABLE behavior, so we noooo longer see her. What ever you decide, the BEST of LUCK to you SUSAN girl, NOPE sorry to say not everyone just because they are grandparents by birth means they know how to love CC ~ |
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Post by SuziF on May 2, 2005 8:07:04 GMT -5
Alice~ As I see it, if this man just found out after 5yrs that Luke has DS, he's obviously not an important person in your family's lives. Surely someone you were close to would have found out thru sharing whether it be by conversation or photo.
I'm not sure after his reaction why you'd even consider taking someone so openly hostile into your home & more importantly into LUKE's HOME. That's not fair to Luke. If the man wants to vacation in America let him find an apartment or stay at a hotel. Take things from there. Why would you feel a need to upset Luke's life by introducing someone so directly into his safe sanctuary who has been a stranger in his life ? I'd say the burden of proof lies on FIL. If he wishes to form a relationship then let it be at his expense & grqadually from a distance. Otherwise, Luke's progress could be set back & his owns sense of home being the safe haven could be forever damaged.
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Post by Kristen on May 2, 2005 10:10:47 GMT -5
I would not let him in, but that's the way I am. I mean, for the love of all things - I did not go Ivy League or excell in any sport, but OH FREAKING WELL! Did he? Gee, too bad someone didn't do an amnio on him (meant sarcastically - I am not into that stuyff at all, but like, who is he to judge?) I get so aggrivated at people like him. If that's how he feels, why would he want to stay with you anyway?
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Post by Valerie on May 2, 2005 14:40:59 GMT -5
Your FIL's response to your news was HORRIBLE! I feel so lucky that we have not had a negative reaction to our son from ANYBODY...yet...and I hope it stays that way! As for what you should do, I'm torn. I can understand both sides. On the one hand, if there is a possiblity that your FIL will come around and can have a good relationship, I say go for it. But I know MY gut reaction would be to not let this person have anything to do with my son or anybody else in my family. That would be the protective momma coming out! I think I agree with SuziF. IF he wants to come visit, I'd have him stay in a motel or something, visit, and if he becomes more positive about your son, then he can maybe have more visits in the home. But no, your son (and the rest of you) shouldn't have to put up with a negative attitude in your own home!!!! |
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Post by updowns on May 2, 2005 14:42:16 GMT -5
Alice, I am so sorry to hear of your FIL's reaction - shocked as well.
If it was me I would not have this man in my home.
hugs to you
Stella
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Post by Alice on May 3, 2005 15:24:23 GMT -5
Thanks to all of you! Just a little explanation about that grandfather. He is a pure selfish and he doesn't want to visit us because of Luke, he just needs vacations in USA.  He has perfectly normal another grandson (our Luke's cousin) who is only 3 months old and who happened to live in the same town with the grandfather, but the FIL doesn't want to see this little guy (very sweet little boy), because he broke up with his other son (my DH's brother). Oh, it is too complicated... Thank you for your hugs and understanding! Alla |
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Post by rickismom on May 4, 2005 12:48:32 GMT -5
Look, keep in mind that this is his INITIAL reaction to some shocking news. As much as we all know that there is no quarantee what ANY kid will do, most parents to be and most grandparents have certain hopes.... and frankly, (I'm ducking before you throw raw tomatos) unless something revolutionary happens in medicine (or a miracle) this child is not going to be accepted in Harvard.
However, many grandparents after they get over the initial shock do quite well. (My MIL's initial shocked reaction was maybe we'll be luckey and the baby will die! (She told our older daughter this, not me Thank God!) Today she admires Ricki for what she is....and gives us a lot of support monitarily to help her schooling.
Maybe you can put your cards on the table--- you can come, but only is you will treat EVERYONE in the house with respect (unless you really know that hew can't do it....)
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Post by rickismom on May 4, 2005 12:48:45 GMT -5
Look, keep in mind that this is his INITIAL reaction to some shocking news. As much as we all know that there is no quarantee what ANY kid will do, most parents to be and most grandparents have certain hopes.... and frankly, (I'm ducking before you throw raw tomatos) unless something revolutionary happens in medicine (or a miracle) this child is not going to be accepted in Harvard.
However, many grandparents after they get over the initial shock do quite well. (My MIL's initial shocked reaction was maybe we'll be luckey and the baby will die! (She told our older daughter this, not me Thank God!) Today she admires Ricki for what she is....and gives us a lot of support monitarily to help her schooling.
Maybe you can put your cards on the table--- you can come, but only is you will treat EVERYONE in the house with respect (unless you really know that hew can't do it....)
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We can't change the world, or change opinions.. but we can try.....
jackie
&
Susan, Proud mom of Michael (32), Justin (25) Emily (22ds), and Jordan (20).
