What would you do? Please read

[Renee']

Lauren was invited to a Birthday party tomorrow. It is actually a double party. 2 girls in our neighborhood. One of the little girls told me she did not put Lauren on her list to invite because Lauren was mean and she did not want her there.
I got pretty upset and told my husband I was not going to let Lauren go and have this girl say things like that in front of all the other girls. I have a gift for each and I was thinking of just giving it to them and not have Lauren go. What would you do?

[MB]

How about saying, "Why don't we have Lauren come over here and show me how she is mean to you?" O.K. a little harsh.

The reality is this kid is either a brat who is trying to cleanse the party of undesirables or Lauren's behavior towards the girl is inappropriate.

Let's assume that the girl has a legitimate complaint. Maybe Lauren grabs things from the girl without asking. Our son did that constantly until we did some behavior modification including both our son and the kids reaction to our son.

The highest road would be, I think, to ask the mother of this girl to find out what Lauren is doing so you can take steps to correct it. If there is a legitimate gripe, you would want to correct Lauren so that she is included socially the rest of her life. If the gripe is illegitimate, then the mother of this girl can give her some, let's say, guidance.

I would not talk to the girl directly because that gives her the idea that you and she are on the same level. She obviously thinks she can go to you with complaints and get a response. She needs to be shown that she is to be Lauren's peer, not an authority figure.

These situations are very hurtful. But, please keep an eye on the future. Please do not burn any bridges at such a young age. We've had a couple of situations where young kids did not like our son, but changed their minds after maturing. I am so glad I did not make a big deal out of it when they were younger because ultimately, my son would have been the loser. They are good friends, now.

Best of luck.

MB

[momofrussell]

Wow.. tough question... MB gave some good suggestions!

What does Lauren want to do? When someone says Regan has been mean, I believe them first and get to the bottom of it. I know the Bday party is NOT the place for that.. but, if Lauren wants to go, let her go and watch and see what happens.. then after observing and the party is over, maybe have a talk with the mom. Make it sound like you want to make sure Lauren doesn't do inappropriate things (whether she really did or not) that puts you in the position NOT to get them defensive.

IF Lauren really wants to go... I'd put my anger aside for the party. Remember, there are 2 girls and only 1 said she didn't want lauren there, so the other girl DOES.. and this will teach this other little girl that SHE can not control situations and make demands THIS easily This may be a good learning experience for Lauren and the girl.. and you really don't know if the girl IS going to say nasty things... and if she does... then make sure she says it LOUD enough that her mama can hear her LOLOL!!! There is always going to be kids that say "those" things.. and we can't shield our kids from it.. we can only teach our kids and hopefully the kids that say it, how to handle themselves when it does happen. The only reason I say that, is that Regan lost 3 friends over the summer for something she said but NO ONE ever told regan.. we finally had to figure it out and take care of it.. granted, Regan was IN the wrong BUT, it wasn't the end of the world and the mom only wanted her daughter to play with "perfect" kids... that ain't going to happen in this life time.. in my opinoin.

BUT...IF you are REALLY REALLY feeling uncomfy about it all, you can either call the mom of the one girl before the party and try to figure out what the little girl is talking about, or just deliever the gifts and call it a day...

It's your call! Good luck!!!!

A.

[Renee']

Ok, Lauren is VERY strong in her personality. She has been having a lot of issues since this assult happen to her. I don't know what she means by mean. She has only been around Lauren a few times and when they do play they tend to fight because she wants to play with Laurens computer and toys but not Lauren.
I want her to go but I know she will be hard to control. She gets over stimulated. I don't want this girls day to be ruined because she didn't want Lauren there.

I just don't know

[momofrussell]

How bout giving her mom a call tonight just to chat? Would that help???

I know, it's hard.. we don't want our kids to ruin things for other people (I felt this way when Russell started Little Gym) but we can't shield our kids and "typical" kids from each other either...

I am sorry this is such a tough decision. Does Lauren want to go? Would she care if she didn't? Or if you really think it isn't a good idea but Lauren wanted to go, maybe drop the gifts off and then take Lauren out for some ice cream or play at the park???

Hugs!!!

A.

[Renee']

She wouldn't know the difference. She doesn't really remember things like this. She did see the invitation and said "ooh party" but if I took the gifts she would be ok with it.
It is not on our street so she wouldn't see the other girls.

[Emilysmom]

Awwww Renee...this is a tough one. On the one hand, I think this is a great opportunity for Lauren to go to the party (would you go too??), show those girls that she CAN be very very nice, and let the one little girl know she is NOT mean. When Emily was younger, I always went to bday parties with her.....in fact all the moms went and we all helped out and visited. If you were there, you could help her stay calm and to have a good experience.

On the other hand......I would sort of want to talk to the one little girl's mom, if you could do it in a way that didn't sound like you were "tattling" on her for saying Lauren was mean. You could ask her to talk to her daughter about the kinds of things Lauren does that makes her seem mean so you could talk with Lauren about it. Remember that the other little girl still wants Lauren to be there!!

Susan

[meghans_mom]

Renee, I wish I had words of advice - but it seems like the other moms have given some good ones already. good luck in whatever you decide...!
laurie

[ALLISA]

Renee,

I'm sorry & hope I don't offend, but I think this is turning into a much bigger worry than need be.... they are FIVE, right ??

Five year olds are VERY fickle....if Lauren did something that bugged her, then I think "she's mean" is an appropriate response.... but I also would expect that if Lauren said sorry all would be well.

Now that doesn't mean Lauren should be saying sorry before she goes to the party....what I mean is I don't think it is a big deal for the girl to say she doesn't want to invite Lauren. Five year olds say what they mean and don't mix words...everyone knows that....but they also say what they mean AT THE TIME THE FEEL IT....I don't think they cross friends off the friend list FOREVER.

I also don't think this is a DS issue at all if that is your worry. This could have happened to ANY child.

Last comment I want to make is : At a double Birthday Party, I would expect that there are a NUMBER of guests that only one B'day girl invited...they probaly both invited a certain # of people...some may have been mutual friends, but not all are going to be friends & close to BOTH. If it were me, I'd get a more personal gift for the girl we were close to and a generic kind of gift for the other.

I hope Laured goes & has a blast !!!

[Emilysmom]

Ooooooohhhhhhhhh Allisa, you are SO right about this!!! That never really dawned on me, but I've seen that so many times in young kids!! A few years ago, we had a birthday party for Jordan. I think he was about 8 at the time. He invited a LOT of his friends, and almost all the parents called to RSVP. On the day before the party, Jordan came home from school in tears because 2 of his friends told him they would NOT be at the party as long as Jordan's BEST friend came because they didn't like him. He was CRUSHED, cause he liked ALL the boys but wasn't about to tell his best friend he couldn't come. I didn't feel like I knew the parents of the other 2 boys well enough to talk to them at all, so we just left it alone. The day of the party, as the guests were arriving, the 2 boys who did not want to come started riding their bikes back and forth in front of our house over and over. It really hurt Jordan that they bothered to ride all the way over here but would not come to the party. But bless his heart......within a week, they were all playing together again like nothing ever happened. Kids truly ARE fickle and don't always realize how they hurt each other.

Thanks for your insight Allisa!!

Susan

[Renee']

Lauren has told her she was sorry. She mentioned it to my husband too, that she did not want Lauren there because she was mean. This little girl is not very nice herself. I don't think I am going to let her go. I understand what you are saying Allisa but I don't want her to be in a group of young girls and have this girl (who is our neighbor) say things about Lauren. Maybe its more about me. I have been under an incredible amount of stress and I can't take much more. I bought them each a gift and will drop it off.

Thank you all for your input.

[Alice]

Renee',
What about asking these girl's parents' opinion?

[rickismom]

Since kids ARE fickle, and since there is a chance that this girl will say bad things, I would not go.

In general, I often try to see the side of the kids who are our neighbors. After all, Ricki can be pushey- demand more than her share, etc. So here are the rules I use:

If Ricki goes to a party, I call the parents and let them know that I am sending a chaperone (me or a sibling) , and they should save me a seat a bit apart from the kids. This way, if Ricki is really unreasonable, there is someone with no sympathy for misbehavior to intervene. I try to "help out" with stuff, so Ricki doesn't feel that someone is breathing down her neck.

I let the neighbor girls know that I expect them to make Ricki turn the rope if she misses in jumping. No letting her have turn after turn.

I always ask if it is convienient for Ricki to come play. I tell them to call me if any problems arise. I go get her before she's been there "too long"

I try to include neighbor kids in fun things done at our house on occaision. (A special puppet show for the neighbors, etc.)

A child who calls Ricki names in our house (yes, its happened, and Ricki was acting A_OK) gets told calmly to go home.

[Ricki sometimes goes outside to play on Saturday (in my town the traffic is closed on Sat. and there is almost no crime at all) I watch a bit (check the window every few moments) when she is PLAYING with a group of kids. If no one is outside, I don't let her go down unless I can sit and watch- don't want to risk even the smallest chance of some pervert picking on her...)]
Sometimes I catch the kids grouped around Ricki "the show". Ussually its a group of girls who want to be nice. I politely encourage them to PLAY. If its kids egging her on to get her to make funny faces, etc,)( a certain group of boys who occaisionally play alongside the girls, and who may arrive in the middle) I call her inside PRONTO.

on the RARE occourance of a kid calling her "mongoloid" I go to the mom, and tell her " I am sure that you are going to be appalled by this, but your child X........" Works great. No repeats.

For staring, I tell the kids that watching cost $5 a minute.......

Now I want to teach Ricki to deal alone and possitively with staring. Any ideas those of you with bigger kids?

[ALLISA]

{{HUGS}} Renee.....


I could hear stress & exhaustion in your post. I hope you had a very relaxing weekend and gave yourself some much needed down-time.

Susan, when you said those two boys rode their bikes in front of your house..... I bet they were reconsidering their decision to boycott the party... but ...MALE EGO kicks in early & they couldn't swallow their pride to say they wanted to come in !