MIL ? - Am I Overreacting?

[donnac]

Let me throw this out there. I actually have two questions.

1. Tyler's birthday was April 19. We invited the inlaws over twice but they had to cancel (we live 45 minutes away). However, they sent a card mentioning a present, and called on his BD mentioning a present, but they never gave him one. We went to their house last night and they gave DH (their son) one since he had a BD last week. Do I approach them and ask if they forgot? They asked for suggestions before the BD and at one point told DH that they may buy something for Tyler that they will keep at their house. I told DH that it would not be fair to give him something and make him leave it. Besides, they already have a house full of toys so its not like they are lacking. I felt bad last night that Dad got a present, but Tyler didn't. Am I overreacting?

2. DH has two sisters. One is expecting a boy, the other has three boys ages 7, 4, and 7 months. MIL has driven 2 hours (4 hours if she goes round trip) at least on 4 occasions to pick up the 7 and 4 year old (never together, individually) to bring back to her house to spend several days with her, and to do fun things (dairy farm and tour, offshore island, historic state park, zoo, etc. Well, last weekend she had the 4 year old and included my DH's 10 year old cousin and took them on the dairy tour.

I don't have a problem with her spending time with any of the children, but I said to DH, "Why didn't they invite Tyler too?" They have not once offered to do anything with him this summer , again they live 45 minutes away, or offered to let him go along with his cousins on any of their adventures.

They have taken Tyler to three train shows where they have picked him up and brought him back home, but that was three times in the last 2 1/2 years! He has spent the night with them a couple of times several years ago when DH and I went away for the weekend, but last time Tyler didn't want us to leave, and now MIL is not comfortable keeping him. DH used to think that maybe Tyler intimidated his family. Now, he says that maybe it is me -- but only when it comes to Tyler. He thinks that maybe they feel like they may not do things correctly or the way that I want them to. I don't think thats it though. My MIL does not listen when she watches him, but I have never said anything to her afterwards. I ask her not to wash his hair (ENT does not want any water in his ears) or wash his clothes (because all of our soaps are unscented as he and I both are sensitive and allergic), or cut his nails (which he hates to have done and we have a special routine), etc. She does all of the above and more. I know that those items may seem a little picky, but there is not much that I ask her not to do, and it is always give her a reason. Plus, he used to only spend one night, so it wasn't like he or his one used outfit were overly dirty.

Anyway, I have told MIL on several occasions that I would like for her to get to know Tyler better and for him to get to know her better too. What else can I do.

Also, DH feels like I'm saying that his parents like the other grandchildren more that Tyler. What I'm saying is why can't they spend some time with him also? BTW, my 20 year old is their step-grandchild, and they've never done much with her. But strangly enough, they gave here a large check and a CD when she married last month - go figure (DH and I got lamps from them!)

I guess this question is -- How do I get them to spend time with Tyler, or do I forget about it and think of it as their loss? It does bother me quite a bit.

Well, enough babbling, throw me some suggestions.

Thanks, Donna

[Jessie]

Hmmm, could be a combination of things going on with MIL. Maybe she is a little intimidated by Tyler's needs? Or, perceived needs anyway. Maybe she simply feels she can't handle him and doesn't want to admit it. Although she has taken the other boys more often, being that she takes them seperately, maybe that's all she can handle. Is she an older woman?

I know with my parents they used to be able to have the first-born grandchild (she is now 22) with them ALL the time, they practically raised her. Now, they can only handle my other sister's kids one at a time for only a day or two at a time. They are simply older and can't keep up like they used to! Another factor that plays into our family dynamics, and I don't know if it could play a part in your husband's, but my older sister and my brother are, well, let's say not the most attentive parents (not abusive or bad, they love their kids, but they love their freedom more) and so my parents have always taken their kids more and coddled them longer because they feel they need them. Whereas my other sister, who is in a solid marriage and is there for her kids 100% of the time . . . my parents don't take her kids nearly as often even though they love them the same. It could be how much your MIL feels the kids are needed by her. Maybe she thinks you are the one that Tyler needs because you know exactly what to do with him? Just a thought.

We go through similar issues with my MIL and how often she will taken Jason. Not very often and I think it really comes down to being a little intimidated because it's not as easy to have him being that he doesn't communiate. It truly is easier for her to have one of the other grandkids. That's something very hard to swallow and accept, but we know that our families all love the grandkids equally, they just reach out to them differently. It just hurts when it's YOUR child that is the one that is treated a little differently.

I personally would let the birthday present thing go. It was rude for them not to give him something, but there's no changing it without causing a problem.

Good luck!!!!

Jessie

[YoshsMom]

I have had the same problem with my FIL. He showed no interest in Yosh and doted on his other 2 grandchildren. He and my MIL are divorced and she is a doll. He came once when Yosh was in NICU, she came every Sun. He never called after Yosh's surgeries, she came every time. My family thinks Yosh is the greatest, which he is.

I had given up on him. He was losing out on the most loving little boy and giving his attention to 2 spoiled brats (this isn't jealousy, just the truth). I had given up on him. Then at my nephews b'day party he played with Yosh for the first time. I don't know what changed, but something seems to have. You can't change other people, all you can change is your reaction to them. Accept what your inlaws are willing to give. Let them get to know Tyler in their own time and if they can't do more, then you have to accept that they are giving all they can.

[rickismom]

Well, sometimes things like this can happen with other kids as well. My step daughter promised a gift to my son for his Bar Mitzvah 2 years ago, and I quess she forgot...
It could be that your mother in law is scared that she will be tackling too much if she takes your son along with the other children, or prehaps she is afraid that they will be scared of him, etc. I don't see that you can do more than what you have already....
Maybe you could invite the cousins to YOU for a sleepover?

[momofrussell]

GOSH.. I wish I could give you a BIG HUG because I know I would feel the SAME way you do!

I really don't know what your MIL is feeling. I do think the plate is tipped in the other direction, so to speak... but what CAN you do? I know... if you really want to find out.. maybe have your hubby say something? Or ask? Do you feel comfy enough to start a conversation about this stuff and keep it mild? By nature, I am one to find out reasons why , even if I don't like the reason, so I can move on. The person I am dealing with my never see it my way nor change.. but it puts my mind and stomach at ease to I can move on.

On the gift thing... my dad, whom I am NOT close with nor do I know well, pulled that stuff with me after I was married... I am still waiting for that gift... um... 9 yrs later! LOL He proved to be the person I thought he was Sad.. but true. IF that happened now with my inlaws I think I would ask my husband to politely ask his parents, without me around, if they forgot.. but that is just me. Maybe the did forget.... I just wish if people really didn't want to buy a gift they never felt compelled to say they would just to make all of US feel better.. KWIM?

I am sorry you have these feelings... I am thinking like the other responses.. that maybe she is maybe scared of the DS a bit.... overwhelmed... old... who knows. Maybe it IS something SO simple as she needs to get to know Tyler better. Maybe she has some preconceived notions about DS and she needs to be "schoolled". (politely).

I say.. if you can let it go... let it... but if it's truly digging at your heart.. find the best way to get the questions answered, even if you don't like the answers.. and find some kinda of understanding about it... or this will just keep eating at you. And that is not good either.. it was cause unwanted resentment towards your inlaws... and that is not good either. And even if hubby doesn't fully SEE your side or understand.. he should stand beside you and help get to the bottom of it! Then maybe you could all move on and love one another KUM BA YA!

heehee

I also like the idea of inviting the cousins over to YOUR house! That is a GREAT idea! My inlaws and my mom aren't ones to do much with the grandkids.. it bugs me.. but not that much. BUT.. they can only handle so much because they are getting older too! So.. I guess it is tiring sometimes for them!

Good luck!

a.

[MB]

I see control issues with MIL. She wants to do it her way or not at all. If you really want her to spend more time with your child, cook, cook and cook! I am sure they will come to your house if you offer to cook a meal. For whatever reason they are uncomfortable with you or your child and spending time all together is probably the only way you will figure it out.

You could sit down and ask them directly, but given the generational differences, I bet you won't get an honest answer. My parents did not want much to do with my son after a few years. I didn't get upset. They had a ton of grandchildren and were busy with their own lives. Finally they told me they didn't think they could react fast enough to save him from the busy street in front of their house and they would never forgive themselves if something happened.

We were happy to have supervised visits with them after that.

MB

[CC]

You said "I guess this question is -- How do I get them to spend time with Tyler, or do I forget about it and think of it as their loss?"

How bout you or your hubby taking Tyler over to see them more often and maybe they will start to feel more confortable about watching Tyler without you guys. Just a thought.

If it really really bothers you, how bout talking to them, I really feel communication is the key

With all that being said, I have been where you are and have followed my own advice and sad to say my inlaws never came around as far as Chris was concerned So after giving it our best shot, we no longer see them and they only live one town over Honestly for us it was the best way to go and I know we tried.

I hope things work out and they come around

CC ~

[ValerieC]

I had issues with my MIL with my first 3 typical children. I felt many of the same ways you described (minus the gift thing). I realized the issues were with me though. My MIL is a wonderful woman with a heart of gold. She doesn't do things my way, but her intentions are pure. I used to get irritated when asking her to babysit at my home because she would clean then entire time she was here. She was saying, "Hey let me help you out, it's tough with 3-4 kids." I was reading it as "Wow! Valerie sure does keep a messy house! This is gross!" See the difference?

I used to get mad if she would do things with the kids I had asked her not to do. Then I realized I'm just having control issues over her. Example, naptime...I would insist Josiah take a nap at her home if she were watching him. She couldn't stand to hear him cry for 10 minutes and so wouldn't put him down. We would all suffer later. ARGHHHH! Then I realized, that I needed to make the most of it and so early bedtime would work on those few occassions.

Here is my point. It got to be a hastle to have her watch my kiddies because she wouldn't do it MY way. I had to let go and just let her be her. There is a treasure there and I need my children to see her treasure.

When Alethea was born she was a bit unsettled and afraid of her. Alethea's low muscle tone would make her arms turn out a bit strangely when she was first born. I would remind her to watch Alethea's arms when she held her and then I found she didn't want to hold her as much. I realized that she was afraid that she was going to hurt her. I had to tell her to just hold her, you won't hurt her, it's just better (therapy related) to have her arms this way.

I'm guess I'm thinking you need to let go of some of that control if you want MIL to spend more time with your son. Will it hurt for you to rewash his clothes when he comes home if she's already washed them? Is it really a big deal that she's cut his nails even though he doesn't like it? At least they are cut and you won't have to until they grow again. My MIL gets the whole ear thing so she is careful about that, but could you give her the plugs or wax or ask her to put cotton in his ears because of the risk of infection if she felt it were necessary to wash his hair?

My thought is she just wants to help you and that's the only way she knows how. You are possibly misreading her intentions and pushing her away at the same time. Just a thought.

I've recently just realized all of this and have begun to change the way I view my MIL. Our relationship has improved greatly because of the changes I made in the way I view her.

Valerie C

[Kristen]

Sounds like your MIL is used to doing what she wants when she wants and doesn't like to be questioned, but that's all I can come up with!

[donnac]

Thanks for all that responded. A couple of side notes.

MIL is young, healthy, and energetic.

We do spend time with them, and have seen them at least 4 times in the last month. However, sometimes we only see them only once a month. MB -- they have turned us down for meals more often than not. Problably 6 or so times in the last year.

I hope I didn't sound petty on the present issue. They always buy him one, and now he is at the age where he knows that he didn't receive one after telling him twice. His knowing is what bothers me the most.

MIL does have control issues. She does like to make changes (opening blinds, controlling air conditioner and so forth when she is a guest -- not just here and she doesn't hesitate to tell you like it is). She does like to have things her way, and DH is always happy to go along. He would and will not confront her, he says to be the bigger person and just let it go. She would not be confortable with me confronting her. As guessed, she has a very take charge personality.

The cousin issue. They live about 3 hours away. SIL is very competent, but she is even more of a stickler for having things done her way. After her first child was born, she told her mother that things would be her way or she would not be allowed to visit (too bad that wouldn't work with me). My SIL doesn't really want to have much of a relationship with us, and sometimes I think it is because of the Ds and because we just do things differently. She has the perfect life -- lives in the right neighborhood, drives the right vehicles, shops only certain stores, etc. When she had her first child she had to pick out a new scent -- one that her children would always remember her for. We live in the country, and its terrible if DH runs into town and has a hole in his shirt. Get the picture. She will not let us know when she is visiting at the in-laws (45 min away) even though I've asked for her to call so that we could visit her and the boys there. Tyler does't get invited to their birthday parties unless they are held at my inlaws with family only.

It was funny when my daughter got married. All of my family lives at least 500 miles away. My MIL commented on how well they get along with Tyler and how good everyone is with him. This included Tyler's cousins whom all adore him. They only see him maybe once a year, sometimes twice, but everyone in my family just loves him.

Oh well, I love that all of you are there to help. Thanks again. Donna

[Jessie]

Ok, after reading that last post Donna, I would have to say - hang it up! Your in-laws sound VERY set in their ways and not very accepting, which is unfortunate for them. If it were me, I think we would just take the route of having get-togethers when necessary, but not really pushing them for anything more. They are the ones missing out!

Sorry you have to deal with that.

Jessie

[momofrussell]

I do have to say I forgot about the "control" issues that could be the culprit LOL. I too have experienced that. That is one of those things that you DEFINATELY can't change in the other person.. so you have to learn to either adapt to that person's ways or drive yourself batty!

Donna.. I think you are doing all you can And yes, me personally, I too would still have issues over the gift... but.. I don't know if I'd let it be known or not! But your feelings are VERY valid!!!

a.

[donnac]

Jessie -- I am going to hang it up. However, I am no longer looking forward to the mandatory get togethers.

A --- It's hard to not let it drive me batty though! When we were at their house on Tuesday, MIL saw our portable DVD player hanging in my van and said "Wow, I need to get one of those to use when I'm doing my Grandma thing". Of course I thought, take my kid and he can bring it with him! Well, that's not really what I thought, I won't write that!

[momofrussell]

See... I would have said EXACTLY that to her if it were me! And I would have said it in a laughing joking manner... to make it light but get my point across!

I KNOW it's hard to not let it make you batty!!!! Not that it's the same.. but my 12 yr old makes me batty 24/7. LOL

Hugs Donna!

A.

[Valerie]

I would be offended, also. You have every right to be upset. Nobody should tell anyone that they are going to do something, and then not, no matter what the situation.

To tell a child that you're getting them a present, and then not, is EXTREMELY rude and cruel.

As for her not spending time with your son, I can relate there, too. My FIL was here to visit last month for a few days (he lives 24 hrs away), stayed at our house, and not once picked up Nicholas or played with him. My own father passed away almost 4 yrs (still miss him dearly), and he would have LOVED to have known Nicholas. He was a wonderful grandfather, and the only thing I regret with Nicholas is that he was born AFTER my dad passed away. They would have adored each other. Nicholas' middle name is after my dad, David.

So, anyway, I can understand wanting the grandparents to adore your child every bit as much as you do and WANT to spend time with them. Sadly, it doesn't always work that way.