Is it polite?

[Alice]

I have this questions for a long time.
When you see an adult with DS, is it polite to say: "I have a child with DS."?
Will it be a polite question?

[ALLISA]

Hi Alice.... I know this question has been heavily covered before.....it is such a common feeling !

It is sooooo much easier when you have your own child with you....than when you are alone....it is harder to cross that line !

I know people approach me to tell me that they have an older child with ds.....I can ALWAYS TELL when they come up ....there is a "DS VIBE" I can feel......we are all in a secret club !!

I think it is fine and social.....some may not want to discuss it....and that is their right.....but I have found that most everyone is very open.....and I know that I enjoy it myself when someone approaches me.

Approaching hte PARENT of a child with DS....is different than approaching an ADULT with DS.....I have found it harder.....but the couple of times.....the adult with DS commented to ME that my duaghter "looks just like me"

oooohh....that sentence was confusing.,.....what I was TRYING to say is that.....they commented TO ME that Erin has Down syndrome like them.....the FIRST time it happpened.....Erin was just a baby.....and I LOVED it....we were food shopping and she stopped to say how cute Erin was, then on closer inspection.....realized Erin had DS and ran off very excitedly to find her mom and report this news !!

The second time, a young man was commenting on Erin and I casually mentioned that they both had "something in common".....

I do feel like we are in a "club" and most eveyone in the club is very open and friendly !.....

Where is our wise Deb to give us her input ?

She is the expert on this question !

[Emilysmom]

Alla,
I think it's not really a matter of being polite or not. I personally love it when someone comes up to me and introduces themselves and tells me they have a child (or sister/brother/cousin/etc) with Ds.
I do think the WAY it is done can make a big difference though!! I've had several really good and some not-so-good experiences with this. One time I can remember NOT being happy about it was when a woman came to me and said "Just wait till she (pointing to Emily) gets older. You'll REALLY have your hands full then"!!! She went on to say that she had a daughter with Ds and she was very hard to manage, etc. How do you respond to that one??? I remember wanting to get away from her FAST! A more positive approach makes so much more sense!!
Susan

[mom2nicole]

When I am out shopping there is always someone saying how cute and adorable Nicole is and then I wonder if they are saying because she is (which she is) or if they are seeing the DS and pitying her, but sometimes there is the person that will just smile for all their worth and then go one to tell me about the person with DS they know. I like it when I hear how well they are doing. I am lucky to not have a bad experience( yet) But I see other people with older kids or even young adults and I don't find myself going out of my way to talk to them.(I don't know why?)
Michelle

[momofrussell]

It doesn't sound rude... but I think it also depends on each situation. You can kinda get a feel for their present attitude and if they are approachable and go from there. I have never addressed an adult w/DS out on the streets though... just other parents w/children w/DS. In fact... I bet the farm a boy did the other day and his mom and I started talking, I approached them.. and he didn't have DS... she was understandable and we had a good chuckle of it! LOL

A.

[rickismom]

As for talking to an adult with DS--- many will have been taught not to talk with strangers, so you may find your subject rather uncooperative. I think Rina wouldn't like for others to bring the topic up, but would do it herself if she noticed....

[Kristen]

I would not say anything because honestly, I can't tell a lot of the time if it's DS or something else going on. I did have a bagger who had DS at the store checking Carter out pretty hard once and it got sorta obvious he was wondering and Carter was eyeing him so I said something like, you two look like you're sharing a secret and he said yeah, we're the same. I don't know where it came from but I said, do you like your life. I mean, are you happy? And he looked at me so surprised (I don't blame him, it was a weird question) and said I love my life! It's great! So I said I'm glad, I like to hear that. You're doing a great job here. No idea why I asked that, I just like to check now and then I guess!

[shellk]

I have never really approached an adult with DS. But , I remember when Kourtney was about 3 this lady in the store came up to me and she was much older maybe 60 or so. And she says to me " You have got to come over here and meet my son Patrick !" And started telling me how wonderful he was, and little things about him. She was telling me how cute she thought Kourtney was, and so we walked over to meet Patrick who was just great !! He was 32 years old, and what a character he was. So, it was a really nice experience.

Michele

[Jackie]

My way of handling it is.....if the parent is "obviously" very aware that their child has DS...you know...calling attention to them....like many of us did when they were young just so we could talk about them....then I do go up and mention I have a daughter with DS and ask them about their services...support groups...etc......

But if the family is just going about their business...I see no point in.... just for the heck of it.... approaching them and telling them about Emily.

I am always happy to talk about Emily if someone approaches me with appropriate questions.....but I don't think everyone is...so usually I let others take the lead.

Jackie mom to Emily 25

[Jackie]

Alice...this really didnt answer YOU question. Since I have an ADULT with DS...my answer is NO...I would never mind a person with a younger child approaching me....but I can't speak for everyone.

Jackie

[bstrong]

I think it depends on the situation. You can usually sense when it is and isn't appropriate. I wouldn’t have a problem with someone coming up to me, and I certainly have gone up to others who have a child with DS. Here is the interesting part. When I go up to someone I am usually a little curious. My Peanut is 15 months and if the other child is older I kind of think to myself “is Peanut going to be like this child or different”. I know I shouldn't compare, they are two very different people and they will obviously be different. Maybe it’s just me that thinks that way.

[Alice]

Thanks for your thoughts, but I think I am not that braive to come over the adult with DS and tell him/her: "You know I have a son with DS just like you".
I am sure it is not a big deal, but I am not braive.

[Debbie]

I would not have a problem if a parent were to come up to me and ask if I had Down syndrome. No one has ever approached me and asked me however. I have seen adult's who have Down syndrome such as myself and wonder, should I go over there and say I have Down syndrome like you do? I know that some may not like that. Down syndrome is still seen as something negative to some. And adult's who have Down syndrome want to be seen as adults and taken seriously. If you want to ask I suggest first asking what their name is and try to begin the conversation with maybe talking about your child or if you are at a grocery store ask them for help instead of thinking they need help. See what happens. There is nothing wrong to see if they need help however it is better to be creative and ask discreetly how to find something. You might be surprised at how much that adult knows where things are!

I think most people who have Down syndrome don't mind talking about what they have. You may be surprised how willing they are to share their stories about themselves. It comes down to how to approach them and it does help to have your child with you. This always makes them curious. We are for the most part friendly and want to help parents. You just have to respect our space and be okay when one says no. If a parent were to ask me I would have no problem talking about having Down syndrome providing that they also want to know me as a person too.

I don't think it is impolite at all. Just remember to be respectful and give them a little space for choice.



Debbie, An adult who has Mosaic Down syndrome

[belovedlife2]

I personally love it when someone comes over and tell me they have a friend/sister/brother/ child/cousin with DS. It makes me feel much more at ease. Instead of someone coming over and just commenting that oh cute baby. I often wonder what they are not saying.
On the flip side, I have been the one to make a comment to an adult, that I have a daughter with DS like them. I have never had a negative reaction. I have always been asked how old, whats her name, Do I have a picture I can show them. VEry positive.

[Alice]

Thanks Debbie!
You are the best!