Daughter's OB Called Tyler the "M" Word

[donnac]

My poor newly married daughter is in the process of having a miscarriage. She had been having some problems for a week and last Friday she came to my house frantic. Shortly after she arrieved at 4:30 pm I called a friend who works for a small local hospital to find and OB to take her to immediately.

She was only 8 weeks along, and had yet to see a dr. which is why we needed to find one fast. Apparently she has an empty sac, and this doc wants her to miscarry naturally.

She is handling it very well. Fortunately her husband showed up just after the exam, and in time to sit in on the diagnosis and talk to the doctor. When they were done they met Tyelr and I outside and said -- "Mom, I couldn't believe it, she called Tyler a Mongoloid." The first thing I said was, "He can't be a Mongoloid because he is not from Mongolia!" Anyway, I thought that it was pretty insensitive. She also told Abby that since I had a "M" child, that she would have a greater chance of having a child with genetic problems.

Later, I called my friend who recommended this doctor and told her what she had said. My friend also has an 11 year old with Ds. Her only comment was that she was from the old school and that she was a good doctor.

Needless to say, Abby will not be returning to this doctor again.

[myangelsaliandsadi]

My SIL just had a miscarraige as well..after trying to get pregnant for 3 years. I don't believe the Dr said anything about the genetic things though.

When I went in for my ultrasound with my second child the ultrasound guy didn't remember doing the ultrasound on Ali. I commented that he had and that she had ended up having Down syndrome despite no markers...and that we were not concerned with markers of DS this time...just serious things. Heart defects, ect. He said, "Oh I thought she looked a little Mongloid.'

Needless to say I PULLED my Dr out of a room with another patient and told him that if he didn't talk to the guy, or if I ever heard him say anything like that again I would go to the boss and get the ultrasound guy fired.

It is a very good thing that my DH didn't hear it because he was too busy playing with Ali...that could have been ugly!

[ALLISA]

It's one of those things that do seem to be old school....I don't think people mean it to be hurtful.....but at the same time, they need to be aware (especially in the medical field...duh) that it is not an accepted word anymore.

I'm very sorry to hear about the miscarriage.....that must be sad for the whole family.

[hannahph]

I hate that word. Someone once said "she does not look like a mongloid to me" (about my daughter) I was a new Mom at the time and had I had the time to think about it I would have tried to correct her use of the word. She was about 60 years old and I guess that was the accepted term awhile ago, but hello this is 2005 not 1950! I think she was actually trying to be nice though.
I am sorry about the miscarriage. Our genetic counselor said that there was really not much of a risk of a sibling having a child with DS. It was something like a tenth of a percent higher then the general population. It's very sad when it happens but I know a lot of people who go on to have healthy pregnancies later.

[Chris]

Donna,

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter's miscarriage. It must be heartbreaking.

I agree with Allisa and believe that the overwhelming majority of people who still use the term "mongoloid" are not meaning to be hurtful but are just ignorant. I do feel it is our job to gently educate these people.

Chris

[ashleysmom]

Donna I am so sorry about your daughter's loss.

I went to my Pastor after I had Ashley because I was SO depressed I thought I needed help. Needless to say he kept refering to Ashley as the "M" child that I had. I was even more depressed after I left there. Needless to say I went to a new church which has a lovely ds litter girl and they think highly of her and her family. They adore Ashley and make her feel NO different than any of the other kids. I feel very lucky to have found such a wonderful church.

The Pastor says our old Pastor is old school and that he would talk to him if we wanted him to.

[shellk]

Ya know the "M" word really gets me even more than the "R" word. I remember one time an old man saying to me that Kourtney was the cutest little half oriental child with blue eyes and blonde hair that he had ever seen....So, I told him she has DS, and he said "What is that??" I had to break it down to the "M" word for him....I guess that's why they call them "Old School"

Michele

[Jessie]

I think I could accept the term Mongoloid from someone OTHER than a doctor! I would definitely correct them . . . I kind of thought everyone knew not to say that. But, a doctor, hmmmm, I would be finding a new one quick!

So sorry to hear about your daughter's miscarriage. It wasn't that long ago I went through the same thing. The nurse that was discharging me from emergency told me something that has stuck with me and helped me so much at the time. She said first of all to not go home and wonder what I did wrong to make it happen and also not to let anyone reduce my feelings about the loss, because no matter how far along you are, it is a loss nonetheless and you need to grieve it.


Jessie

[momofrussell]

My mom is 65 and this is how she learned it. Although she doesn't call Russell a mongoloid, it wouldn't bother me if someone from the "old school" did say it, doc or otherwise.

A.

[andrewsmom]

I'm so sorry to hear of your daughters miscarriage. I'm not sure how I feel about the "M" word. Let me think for a minute.
Like some other replies that have posted, I don't think they are being mean, they just haven't caught up to the times yet. However, it does feel like a punch in the stomach to hear it being used, especially from a doctor. I think I would have probably found another doctor also.

[Debbie]

My grandmother (she had been a nurse) had told me once that this was the word people had used instead of saying what it really is. She never used the word that I know of but was a very wise woman to me. She loved me as I was.

My gynacologist, sorry if I missed spelled that, once had said the M word in church choir. My Mother had told him no one uses that word anymore.She told him about me having Down syndrome. He is a nice guy and I like him. It doesn't offend me at all. There are people who are from the old school and don't think to say the proper name for it, Down syndrome. Times change and words change. If you don't have people who tell you that then you are left in the dark unless you get educated yourself.

[dannysmom]

I hate the word. I read it in a book not too long ago and I agree with andrewsmom...it feels like a punch in the stomach.

I am very sorry for your daughters loss, a miscarriage is devestating. I had one before my daughter and I still know what my due date was.

[samanthajosmom_12]

i am very sorry about your daughters miscarriage. people should not use those names refering to the babies or children. the babies and children are human also and deserve the same respect as we have. sue

[CC]

I am soooooo sorry to hear what your daughter is going thur, BLESS her

We just recently had Chris to a DS clinic in our area and one of the things the DOC said was go home and tell your 16 year old Daughter that just because her brother has DS does in noooooo way mean she has any higher risk of having a child with DS then anyone else in this world. He felt it was very important for siblings to understand that, as he felt they worry even thou they may not come out and say so. K, well I went home and told her and she says to me "Mom I already know this, I took genetics in school" LOL BUT my point being the common form of DS is basically "Pot Luck" for lack of a better phrase, KWIM and this DOC was way off and should know better.

As for the M word honestly I have heard that and just let it go, cause M or R or DS its all words but if I were not having a good day then Grrrrrrrr

For me I just typed to Tammy, my beef is when our kids our referred to as "THEM" My boy is not a THEM is he is his own person, KWIM??

K, I am rambling now but mostly I wanted to say I am very sorry for your daughter

CC ~

[Emilysmom]

Donna~
I'm sorry to hear about what your daughter is going through. A miscarriage, no matter how far along you are, is so so hard! The last thing she needed to hear was something negative (and that word has always had a very negative ring to it!) about her brother. Honestly, I'm tired of hearing the "old school" excuses. Of all people who need to keep up with the times, it would be doctors! I am pretty easy going and don't get upset when people don't use politically correct terms most times (like when they say "a Down's child" ) , but "Mongoloid" or ANY name with "OID" at the end of it just sounds dehumanizing. I loved the response someone gave about it not being possible to have a Mongoloid child because they had never even been to Mongolia!!!
Again, I'm sorry.