Termination due to DS

[dannysmom]

I realize this is a very difficult topic to discuss, but it has been on my mind more than it should, and I was hoping to get your thoughts on it.

A very close friend of ours told me that her cousin (whom I know, but only as an acquaintance) terminated her pregnancy due Ds. She told me that her cousins doctor told her the baby was going to have many problems and wasn't going to make it. She told everyone she miscarried.

First let me start by saying that I realize everyone has their right to choose. What I need some help with is....I can't stop feeling so bad that so many women would rather not have a baby, than to have my son. I love him so much..and that thought brings me to tears. I want the best for him and I don't want anyone looking at me feeling bad for me or him. Does everyone have these feelings or am I just going through what every new mom to a child with Ds goes through?

I know I will run into this women from time to time and I wish I didn't have this knowledge about her but I do.

What are you thoughts on this? Thanks everyone.

[shellk]

Lisa,

First off ((((BIG HUGS))))) to you. And you are not the only one who has experienced those thoughts.

I can remember thinking like that many times. Every time that I heard something "bad" happening to a child with DS, or heard even my neighbor talking about if her tests come back that her child will have DS..She was going to terminate it..Sitting right in front of me, with Kourtney playing in her yard..
But, then she looked at me and said " I know that must be hard for you to hear, but I know that I could never be the mother that I see in you. You are 10 times stronger that me, and I really think that you are a special person." I explained to her, that I am no more special than the person next door. I just think that I must of done something right for the man upstairs to have trusted me with Kourtney. Needless, to say her baby was born just fine..And our neighborliness turned into a great friendship.

That was rambling.......sorry. Just don't feel that you are alone. I know that I have.

Hugs,
Michele

[belovedlife2]

I truly am upset over this! But I must tell you that when we got the soft marker in ultrasound at 5 mos pregnant, the tech mentioned termination to us. But we dont believ in that. the thing is people are scared. You hear DS and think tongue thrusting, drooling, very low IQ, incapable of caring for themselves, movies of the 1950s. You don't have in mind what was his name, Corky? THe actor who has DS in the 80s on the hit tv show?
Following Peanuts birth, my husband and I decided the public needs to be educated about ous little kiddos, their potential (just like any other kid), we contacted Oprah. She never called us back. But think of it, who better in this day and age to doa legitimate story on DS and be listened too? Perhaps if we all emailed he with show suggetions on DS we might help change these womens monds re: termination. Also, the Md should be dsoing a better job of educating the moms. But, as we know many mds themselves have a warped sense of what DS is and have no idea what it means in the long run. Sorry for the long drawn out post, It is a sore topic, one I wish I could fix by one educational handout that all mothers should get.
Robyn

[Debbie]

It always sad when women do this. I just want to say that they are truly making a mistake by not letting their child live. I guess I am sensitive about it since I have Down syndrome. I thank God that my parents chose to have me. Contrary to the negative public stereotype of Down syndrome, we can do many things for ourselves and live productive lives. Not all of us drool and have low IQ's!

Lisa,

I say these things not to you. You are right, a woman I guess has a right to choose, but, as for me I am totally against obortion. You can see why of course. I have had these feelings for some time but was afraid to say what I felt. I value life and I think children are our next future besides being precious. It must be hard for you hearing a story like that. Do you have anyone you can talk to?
Of course parents here can understand how you feel.

The only way to combat this is to speak up of course and educate the public. Attitudes have to be changed.
It can come in time but it does get me discouraged when I read stories like this one. I don't blame you Lisa for what you feel. As a matter of fact, I feel the same way.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Pity is the worst feeling anyone could pass along.

Sometimes. I am proud to have Down syndrome. I am proud because I can come on Down syndrome's board's like this one and share my experiences with you all. I am not ashamed! ;D

Okay, I am off of my soapbox, for now.......

Robyn,

Corky is Chris Burke. And yes, you are right, it was a
wonderful show! I watched all of the shows.

[Tammy]

Lisa... it is perfectly normal for you to think and feel the way you do. It is like a huge insult to us as parents of Kids with DS to hear of someone who feels that having a child with DS is less than ideal and chooses to terminate.
As others have said, education is the key...but it is a long slow process and will probably take us our whole lifetime. As it is, acceptance now is much greater than 20 years ago, We can only hope that in 20 yrs from now, it will be even better...but it is up to us and our generation to be models and get the message out there.
Our Kids ARE OK!!

Robyn... we here at UNO tried to get Oprah to do a story a few years ago. We were focussing on how wonderful UNO is and how it has bought so many families together from all over the world, and using one common thread...DS...
Actually, I was hoping she would do the story and pay for Myself and Lewsi to come over there and meet everyone!! She can afford my airfares...I can't!! LOL... was worth a try!! But sadly nothing ever came of it...I dont think anyone even received a reply to any letters emails etc...

[CC]

You said
"I wish I didn't have this knowledge about her but I do. "
Hmmmmm, have to wonder what in the world was the point of your friend shareing that with you

Just my thoughts here BUT honestly weather liked or not or agreed with or not babies are aborted all the time NOT just DS babies Sooo I truly an trying to understand why when this subject gets brought up here that people say things like "I can't stop feeling so bad that so many women would rather not have a baby, than to have my son" Sadly also people abort perfectly healthy babies too, do you all then think the same about this?? Does ANYONE out there know what I am asking?? The same person that may abort a child with DS may also abort a perfectly healthy baby, KWIM?? Yes it is true there are people that DO NOT want to bring a child with DS into this world and that is sad, cause we all know our kids are nothing to fear ;D

BUT I am really curious do you only feel this way when you hear someone aborted one that has DS or do you feel that way if any child is aborted?? Meaning if you have a daughter and you hear your friends cousin or whoever it was aborted a baby girl, would you then feel sad that this person did not want a child like your daughter who did not have DS??

K, I will stop her cause I am not sure I am getting my ? across, I hope you understand what I meant and this was not to cause World War III here over Abortion, BUT I really am trying to understand??

CC

[Tammy]

Christie.... I know what you mean...
I am going to open up here at risk of being shunned...
I too am Pro-Choice.
I was going to "terminate" my pregnancy at 8 weeks. But when it came time to go to the appointment, something inside dug in and I didnt go. I cried for days, because this was an uplanned pregnancy, it was at a really bad time in our lives, financially, work wise, and I already had 2 kids and there would be a huge gap in age, so many "reasons" NOT to have another baby. The decision not to terminate, I made on my own, without consulting Hubby, so he left and didnt talk to me, feeling betrayed, lied to etc.Making the decision to keep this baby tore my whole family and my whole life apart.
Slowly and with a lot of work and effort, I started to get things back to tegther, only to be told at 29 weeks, that this baby would be born with DS.
My first reaction was... WHY didnt I terminate when I had the opportunity to do so.
I agonised over it for days. Eventually I just had to accept that I chose not to, so therefore I chose to have this baby DS or not.
As I say, I am Pro-Choice, but I feel there needs to be good reason, and knowing what I know now, I dont think DS alone is always a "good reason" to terminate.
I know I am really really happy I have My Lewis Boy... he has given me and taught me soooo much. And really helped to make me feel complete.

[Debbie]

Christie,

I think I understand what you are saying. You are right, women are choosing abort their babies and alot of them probably don't have a disability. I still think it is sad. I like to see a child being born into the world
and experience life and beauty. Everyone deserves a chance at life.

[pattymm]

I am so sorry that you are going through this type of ignorance.
When Kaila was an infant I was invited to a baptism just to bring Kaila so that the sister in-law would know what she aborted. I was not even aware of this, and I wrote off the friend who used me to teach her sister in-law a lesson.
I think that people look at me and think that I'm nuts for having a ds child. I was nearly 40 when I had her, and it didn't make a difference. I was having a baby:)
I had to divorce my family and a lot of so called friends because of Kaila, but I've been blessed with more close friends because of Kaila. To my family, it was a disaster. So, I haven't seen or talked with them in 3 years. You might say, I aborted them:)
Hang in there. Our children give us thick skin.
Love,
Patty

[dannysmom]

Christie,

I completely understand your point and if I am being honest, I didn't look at it the way you explained it until now. I was looking at it through the eyes of a mother of a child with Ds, not just as a mom.

I do not agree with abortion no matter what the health of the child is. In exteme cases of violence or incest, it is my opinion that abortion can be considered, when a child is created from a violent act. My children were born from love and were wanted, I know that everyones life isn't like mine, so I am no position to judge what another person does. I believe in the end, we are all responsbile for our actions...Just my personal opinion, I know we all have our own beliefs that we are entitled to.

So I am asking myself, am I prochoice or prolife....I guess I would consider myself prochoice, but with the hope that life is always the choice a woman would make.

That being said, my friend told me because I had already suspected that is what happened. The girl and I had miscarriages around the same time, we talked about it at a shower we sat together at.

[dannysmom]

Debbie,

Thank you so much for your response and for sharing your feelings. I agree with you too, life is precious. Education is the key, and that is why I think the Oprah show is a great idea. I am going to send my email right away. If we all do it, maybe Ds will be a focus of her show.

Just my thoughts...but you would be a fantastic guest on her show.

[Kristen]

The worst part is the lack of accurate information being portrayed by the medical profession. It is such a shame in a lot of ways. I have no idea why they can't (or won't in some cases) tell the truth and not push for aborting. I am sorry your friend even told you this.

[Chris]

You know, my first reaction was anger toward the friend who gave you this information. It seems rather cruel to tell you.

I have taken part in many heated discussions about abortion on this board and don't wish to get into one now. I feel every life is precious and don't feel that killing a preborn child is ever justified.

CC ~ I am terribly sad about any baby that is terminated. I think that it is especially tragic when a mother and father who have planned a pregnancy and terminate just because the baby has Ds. I look at Sarah and wonder how anyone could be any less than thrilled to have her as a daughter. Anytime I have the opportunity, I tell people what makes Sarah so wonderful. The people who know her certainly don't feel sorry for me. I hope that many of us are able to educate people about Ds.

Kristen ~ I agree with you 100%.

Debbie ~ I often wish that I was able to express myself in my writings as well as you do. You are an amazing lady not because you have Ds but because you have had to overcome so much to become the wise, kind and thoughtful person that you are. I really admire you.

Chris

Chris

[stacey]

I firmly believe in a woman's right to choose. Regardless of the person's reasons for the termination of the pregnancy they are the ones who have to live with it throughout their lives. I terminated a pregnancy when I was 16 years old. There was no way I could have dealth with a child normal or otherwise. At 17 I got pregnant again and 4 days after my 18th birthday I had my daughter who has DS. I have to believe this happened for a reason and that is that she was meant to be here. I know many of you may not agree with this, but this is what I truly believe in my heart. If I would have had that first child she would not be here now. It is not anyone's place to judge anyone for the decisions they must make. Like I said before we have to live with this decision. I will always have guilt in my heart for that first child but I believe I did what I had to do at that time in my life. Please, try to understand what your friend is going through and just know that it takes a extremely strong, compassionate person to raise a child with a mental disability and not everyone can handle this.

[rickismom]

Look, we live in a "have a perfect ...." society. If the vacation isn't perfect, the WHATEVER we get upset. Few people look at challenges as a good thing. We expect to have everything. In such a world, how do you expect women to want a child with DS.?