Did I say the right thing?? Sad.

[andrewsmom]

Hi everyone. I have just finished hiding from my kids in the basement... crying. My daughter Marissa is 5 years old and just started kindergarten this year. She went to the same school last year for pre-school. She has two very close friends that she constantlly refers to as her "best friends".
Well.... she came home from school today and I could tell she was REALLY upset. We didn't even get her coat off and she began to cry. She told me that one of her "best friends" said Andrew was really funny looking and ugly.
What could I say? I asked her if SHE thought Andrew was funny looking and she said NO... "he is the most beautiful little brother in the whole world" And I said I thought he was too. I explained as best I could to a 5 year old that sometimes people have different opinions of what is beautiful and what is not, but I thought Andrew was REALLY beautiful and so was she.

What I really wanted to say would have been sooo inappropriate! Geez, How can a 5 year old be so cruel? OK, I know, this girl is only 5, but I don't think I'll ever look at her the same way again. How can I? Ofcourse I will not treat her badly or anything, she is only 5 but ohhh I am so mad.... and hurt. And poor Marissa! I think her whole world was turned around today. I have been thinking that this could be a good time to talk to all the kids about what some people may say or how they might treat Andrew, but I can't right now because I think I will just end up crying. I'm not ready for this AT ALL.
Please help guys and let me know if I said the right thing. I was at a loss for words because I was so shocked. I need a better response.
-Trisha

[Emilysmom]

Trisha,
I think you said exactly the RIGHT thing in such a very hard situation!! Sounds like you kept it positive, focused on how Marissa felt, and somehow managed to NOT say anything negative about her friend. Amazing!! Kids can be so cruel! Do you know her mom well enough to talk to her about it? If you could talk to her in such a way that it would not seem like you were "tattling" on her, but doing it so her mom could talk to her about "differences"......not to mention talking to her about being NICE!!
Hugs to you for having to go through this,
Susan

[Debbie]

Trisha,

I think you responded the only way you could. I think you did fine. Unfortuantely, kids will say hurtful things and Marissa may experience those things in her future.
It may be helpful if you talked more in length about her brother to her best understanding. I am sorry, you probably already did!

I can't imagine the pain you must feel.

[CC]

Awwwwww MEGA HUGS to you from me here in Jersey Sadly YES Kids can be cruel at any age Just the other day I was driving a pal of Kodi Lee home and we are talking 16 and 17 years old Kodi is in a play that will be showing next week and the very first showing is a free show to our local senior citizens and ones from local group homes. K, kind of a trial dress rehearsal for the kids and at the same time a nice chance for the people invited to come out and see the production free. K, anywho we are driving home and I was SHOCKED to hear her one pal say YEA but the show is for old people and mentally retarded people I was sooo taken back and LIKE WHAT, you know Chris and he can understand a good laugh, the play is a comedy BTW, what are you really saying?? Its very sad that still all these years later the thinking has not changed that much

I can soooo feel your hurt for your daughter, I have been there

HUGS you did a GREAT job on the spur of the moment

CC ~

[Cathy]

Oh Trisha,

I think you handled it marvelously. I always fear those situations, but I know, in my heart, that Emily loves her sister and understands the differences.

You may want to use that Question and answer sheet that MB posted about (A parents Guide to Jimmy Gilhouly). I handed it out to Katie's class(Changing the names of course) and many of the mothers responded that they thought it was great. This way when their kids have questions, they have some answers.

Ever since, Emily started school, I have been sending the book "My Sister is Special" for the teacher to read. Of course we live in a small town where everyone knows everyone, but I figured any information they could have the better.

here is MB's post:

Monique,

I am doing this from memory! My son is 14 now so I will forget something.

I made it clear to the parents that some of these questions may be offensive to them. I wanted them to be prepared to answer these questions rather than chastise a 5-year-old for asking. I did not want my son to be someone the kids avoided because they could get into trouble for making inquiries about him.

Some of these questions may be offensive to you and others here at UnoMas. I apologize in advance, but "The Guide" did work. My son still enjoys a very active social life and we have made many dear friends over the years.

I have changed my son's name to protect his privacy and keep a promise to my husband regarding privacy and the internet.

A Parent's Guide to Jimmy Gilhouly

Why does Jimmy look funny?

Jimmy was born with Down syndrome. Down syndrome happens while the baby is still in the mom's stomach. Kids like Jimmy have almond shaped eyes, a flat nose, are sometimes short and have a flap in their ears. Jimmy's muscles did not form like yours so his feet flop around when he runs.

Why does Jimmy talk funny?

Move your tongue from side to side. Jimmy can't do that. The muscles in his mouth didn't form correctly because of the Down syndrome. So, he has to work very hard to even talk funny. You can help him by asking him to say it again. You can also learn his signs and sign back to him. He would like that.

I don't like Jimmy, he bugs me!

What don't you like about Jimmy? "He takes my toys." Jimmy has a hard time talking. It is easier for him to take your toy rather than form the words or use his signs to ask your permission. You should not let him take your toys. Tell Jimmy he can play with them when you are finished. If that doesn't work, ask the teacher for help. She will help Jimmy understand taking turns. You are not being mean, you are helping Jimmy learn how to play with other kids. That is something he needs to learn for the rest of his life.

Why is Jimmy so stupid?

Jimmy is not stupid. Jimmy started out in his mom's stomach just like you and I. The Down syndrome kept his brain from growing the right way. Jimmy works very hard to remember things like colors and shapes. He tries very hard to follow the directions. He has to work much harder than you or I to do the same work. This is why Jimmy is sometimes tired during class.

Why does Jimmy have his own teacher?

A special teacher called a "para" helps Jimmy. Because Jimmy has a hard time hearing, seeing and speaking because of the Down syndrome, the para will tell Jimmy the directions if he is confused and help him with his work in other ways.

Why does Jimmy leave the class all the time. Is he in trouble?

No, Jimmy is not in trouble. Because of the Down syndrome, Jimmy goes to other classrooms for special help with talking, cutting, writing and other work. We are all proud of Jimmy for his hard work. Jimmy visits the nurse a lot so she can check for ear infections. Jimmy has had 10 ear operations so far. He is a very brave boy.

Is Jimmy a retard? (UnoMas bombshell going off here!)

No. Jimmy has Down syndrome. Calling Jimmy a "retard" is something people might say who don't know anything about Down syndrome. If you hear any kids calling Jimmy that name, you can tell a teacher or busdriver or cafeteria lady or your parents. We all will help explain Down syndrome to those kids.

I want to go to Jimmy's to play. How do I ask him?

I will call Jimmy's mother. She says she loves to have kids over to play and she will also bring Jimmy over here if you want him to play.

Why does Jimmy..............?

I don't know. Let's call the Gilhoulys and ask them. Then I inserted our phone number.

You will notice I blamed all of Jimmy's woes on the Down syndrome. I wanted the parents and kids to separate Jimmy from the syndrome.

In fourth grade a mother called me to report the following conversation with her two sons.

Billy: I have a new girl in my kindergarten class. I think there is something wrong with her. I think she has the same thing Jimmy Gilhouly has.

Mom: Down syndrome?

Billy: Yes.

Older brother: Oh, Jimmy doesn't have that anymore. He grew out of it last year.

"Last year" was third grade when his speech was understandable to all of his classmates and his behavior became acceptable - obvioulsy acceptable to his peers.

Much good luck. This should be a jumping off place for your own ideas.

mb

« Last Edit: Sept 7, 2005, 8:48pm by MB »

[wrblack]

Yeah, yeah, all that's well and good. But wouldn't you really like to smack that kid?
I know, I know, can't do that, very inappropriate, and probably useless. But I wouldn't just be looking at Melissa's little friend differently from now on, I'd be keeping a very close eye on little friend's parents. They may be okay. Not unusual for five year olds to be somewhat lacking in empathy and social grace. But, then again, that kid may be missing out on some things she should be getting at home.
Oh, for the good ol' days. These days kids have to worry about being shot or stabbed at school, and don't have the opportunity to enjoy a good old schoolyard fight. Lynn's got a friend on a totally unrelated board who had an uncle with mental retardation. Apparently her friend's father was one of the best fighters in his school growing up. He wasn't all that big nor mean; it's just that he insisted on beating the crap out of any kid who called his brother a retard.
And when she was growing up, Lynn's friend used that word exactly once. Her father then made sure she never used that word again.
Sorry, just offering a little different perspective.
Regards,
Bob

[momofrussell]

Well, I think you handled it beautifully!

Now... I what I am going to attempt to say is may come off like I am condoning the behavior.. but I just want to put a different perspective on it. YES kids can be cruel... but at 5 yrs old... ALOT of things look silly, funny, wierd, ugly, stupid, ect... EVEN our kids to them. They are VERY naive AND honest. Over the years I have had little kids say that Russell's eyes look funny and silly.. and well, they are! They wiggle, jiggle, cross and he doens't look at you. That is a child's way of saying "they are different from me and I don't UNDERSTAND why!" Not "I am mean and I don't want to be around you". When Regan was in 1st grade and I would walk her to school is when most thought Russell's eyes were "silly" or the "why is your brother like this". I always let them know it was OK to have those feelings but I also explained on their level WHY Russell IS who he is... so they can form more wonderful feelings about Russell.

Even though that 5 yr old might have been mean on purpose, I think I'd give her more credit for just being honest. Of course we all think our kids are beautiful and so does your daughter.. but truly.. how many 5 yr olds go around saying ANYONE is beautiful? Kids are more apt to focus on what is DIFFERENT at this age.

I guess I am saying is that this IS age appropriate for this child to be so honest about your son. EVEN if the way she said is hurt.. try to always remember at a young age like 5-10 yrs old... even if they are TRULY being mean.. they just don't "get it". And getting mad or saying something to our children we'd soon regret or put up barriers between our kids and the rest of the world wouldn't help.

I never once didn't at least validate the children before I explained to them about Russell. "Well, yes.. Russell's eyes DO look silly!" "You wanna know why?" that is my approach. No one has used the word UGLY.. but a way around that would be... "What does ugly MEAN to you". Or explain to your daughter that maybe her friend just doesn't know the right words and that Andrew may just look different to her.. and that is OK.. we ALL look different!

At this age... unless there is some really big reason to, I personally don't go address the parents... I talk to the kids. Anyway you can invite the girl over for a play date?Your daughter and friend need to know it's ok to have difference of opinions and still be best friends. And that it's ok to see the world through different eyes then others. They just need to know Why... your daughter's friend needs to know why your son is "different" to her.. and your daughter needs to know not everyone is going to think Andrew is "beautiful". Because that is reality. And that is ok... it's part of life. Might be nice for the best friend to come play and see that even if Andrew looks different to her.. he STILL is a boy and can play, ect... If she stops and stares or makes some comments... use your loving, commpassionate tongue to help her understand just who Andrew is. And maybe point out what's "different" between your daughter and friend to them. Make it on their level.. hair color, eyes teeth ect? And then explain we ALL are different!!!! It's very typical and appropriate for kids at this age to want and appreciate SAMENESS to and extent.. that is just how their brain thinks right now. This is when "tolerance" is to be introduced. Kids want to play with kids they THINK are the same as them.. the same DOLLS as themselves...ect... they want the same and anything different is WEIRD to them! LOL.. oh the life of a 5 yr old.

MB's question and answer thing is also good. As Regan's friends got older and they'd come over (Regan and friends were around 9 or so at the time) we'd sit around and they'd ask me questions and I'd answer them.. kinda like this Q&A MB posted. It was always a good positive experience and soon they understoond why Russell was "different" but he was STILL a boy and STILL was just as fun as the next guy! LOL

Anyway.. I think I am starting to ramble now LOL... try not to get offended when this happens with little kids..k? It's much easier to get mad.. but less productive!

A.

[momofrussell]

I wanted to add that Bob brought up a good point about maybe the parents might not be in the same mind set as we hope they are... anyway you can invite the family over for an afternoon play date and pizza? Not for you to bombard them with the hows and whys of DS but just a friendly gesture and observation on your part?

When we moved to IL to our second apartment... our neighbors next to us were WONDERFUL!
We moved in and mentioned all 3 kids and that Russell has DS. Well, then they invited us over and later she said "Thank you" for letting her really get to know Russell. That she was actually SCARED because she had NO IDEA of what DS was at all and didn't know what all Russell could do or not do or that he was still just a boy... She truly looked at him and kids like him in a different way after that. She never KNEW before. Her daughter just loved him and well her boyfriend thought Russell was the best thing since sliced bread as time went on LOL... It was obvious with her boyfriend he had a fav of my kids and it was Russell! So... it was great to get to know everyone! And if Russell hadn't have come into their lives... my friend wouldn't have known about all the "russells" out there. Maybe this family just doesn't know all the "andrews" of the world.? Or maybe they do and the child is just still being honest.. you never know!!!

A.

[MB]

Oh Trisha! Five-year-olds can be incredibly cruel - at least that was my experience when my son was five.

The hurtful words happened at school so it is entirely appropriate to approach school about a presentation to your daughter's kindergarten class. If that child made a hurtful comment regarding your family's ethnic, religious or economic status, the school district would be all over this situation.

Your family has a member who is disabled. Your daughter is experiencing discrimination based upon her brother's disability - a huge no no!

I would approach the principal about a presentation. You could do Q&A to send home with an explanation that hurtful things have been said about your son. Then, you can sit back and have the other parents figure out who said the stuff and take care of it themselves. Your family is seen as the incredibly gracious people that you are, your daughter goes to the top of the social ladder, and the kid who said the hurtful stuff gets straightened out before she can do any more damage.

Your local Ds association can help with the presentation or let me know if you want me to post the one I do here in our local area.

If you handle this properly, you will have families that become friends for life!

Best wishes!

mb

P.S. We did approach a neighbor about the hurtful things their five-year-old son was saying about our five-year-old son with Ds. I had warned their son that if he didn't stop picking on our son, I was going to talk to his parents. He sneared and went right ahead with the bullying. I walked up to his house, rang the doorbell and started with the least offensive comments as a warm up.

I was cut-off immediately and sent on my way. All I can say is thank goodness they cut me off. I don't think the kid would still be alive if I had gotten to the really bad stuff!

[Jessie]

I agree it's a kid thing and yet very hurtful at the same time. I'm sure you would have been just as devastated if your daughter would have come home upset because someone teased her about something. Look at it as the perfect opportunity to teach what empathy and compassion towards others means.


Jessie

[ALLISA]

Trisha....I agree with everyone else....you said the PERFECT thing to your daughter......

But I know JUST what you mean when you say that you can't look at those kids the same again....I had a VERY hurtful experience from the family that I considered to be BEST friends with all of us.....and sad to say, it hasn't been the same since.

I talked to the mom.....SHE was actually the one who did the "damage" !! and I feel it trickled down to the children......at least I spoke my peace....I told her that I knew and accepted that Erin would be excluded from things, made fun, etc......it is unfortunatley part of the package......BUT.......

I didn't expect that from BEST FRIEND !!! ......from horrible strangers,yes.....but not best friends.....I'm sure that is how poor Marisa feels....and you......

So sorry that you all had to go through this

Allisa

[steffipoo]

I have a really cool explanation regarding ds in kids language.... Here it is maybe you could talk to Marissas teacher about reading a book to the kids and putting this in their folder for their parents to go over with them and ask questions from their parents... Just a thought

KIDS SIMPLE ANSWERS TO NOT SO SIMPLE QUESTIONS ABOUT DOWN SYNDROME


WHY DO I NEED THIS INFORMATION?

This is an exciting time. Society is beginning to realize that most
children
with Down Syndrome learn better when taught alongside typically
developing
kids. Including children with disabilities in regular education, with
appropriate
classroom supports, enriches the learning experience for ALL children.
Kids
have questions, and parents have questions. For parents, "those" kids
weren't
in our classes when we went to school, so we don't have much
information about
their unique gifts and challenges.


WHAT IS DOWN SYNDROME?

Down Syndrome is something that cause differences in the way a person
looks
and learns. No two people with Down Syndrome are quite the same, but
they are
often flexible in their joints, have eyes that slant, have small ears
and a
small nose, and grow more slowly than other kids do. People with Down
Syndrome
also tend to learn more slowly than others.

WHY DO SOME PEOPLE HAVE DOWN SYNDROME?

People with Down Syndrome are born with one extra chromosome in some or
all
of their cells. Chromosomes contain the directions that tell your body
how to
grow. These directions tell your body what color your eyes and hair
will be,
how big your nose will be, whether you will be a good singer, and many
other
things. When a person has an extra chromosome, it mixes up their body's
directions a little. That is why people with Down Syndrome look a
little different and
have to try harder to learn. Nobody knows why some babies are born with
Down
Syndrome, but we do know that it is nobody's fault.

WHY IS IT CALLED DOWN SYNDROME?

A doctor named John Langdon Down was the first to write about this
condition.
It's not called that because we should be "down" or depressed about it.

WILL DOWN SYNDROME GO AWAY?

No. Down Syndrome is not a sickness. Most people with Down Syndrome are
very
healthy, although nearly fifty percent are born with heart defects,
most of
which are corrected by surgery. You cannot "catch" Down Syndrome. The
only way
to get Down Syndrome is to be born with it.

WHY CAN'T MY FRIEND WITH DOWN SYNDROME TALK VERY WELL?

Many people with Down Syndrome have trouble learning to talk. Many
little
kids first learn to communicate by using sign language. Kids with Down
Syndrome
also benefit having a teacher help them to talk (a speech and language
pathologist), but the best teachers are other kids. If you do know a
person with Down
Syndrome and you don't understand them, ask them to repeat themselves
or to
show you what they mean. Just because a person with Down Syndrome
doesn't talk
to you doesn't mean they don't want to be your friend. They may just
need extra
time and help.

CAN PEOPLE WITH DOWN SYNDROME LEARN?

Yes! People with Down Syndrome can and do learn, but have to work much
harder
than others, and may need more time and extra help. Kids with Down
Syndrome
can participate in all school activities, even though they may not
learn
everything.

DO PEOPLE WITH DOWN SYNDROME GROW UP?

Yes, In adulthood, many people with Down Syndrome have jobs, go to
college,
live independently, and support their communities. People with Down
Syndrome
bring to their jobs enthusiasm, reliability, and dedication.

DO PEOPLE WITH DOWN SYNDROME HAVE FEELINGS?

Yes, Just like everyone, people with Down Syndrome have feelings. They
can
feel happy, silly, sad, sorry, or upset-just like you. People with Down
Syndrome
enjoy friends and family and can be hurt when someone teases or makes
fun of
them -- just like you.

WHY DOES MY FRIEND WITH DOWN SYNDROME ACT DIFFERENTLY THAN OTHER KIDS?

People with Down Syndrome have difficulty with language and talking.
Many
kids want to interact and play with their friends, but don't know how,
are afraid
they won't be understood, or afraid they will be told "no, you can't
play."
Some kids with Down Syndrome get overwhelmed when too many things are
going on
at the same time.

CAN I HELP MY FRIEND?

Yes! Play with and talk to people with Down Syndrome. If they are
having
trouble playing a game, give them time and extra help, or ask them what
game they
want to play. Be clear in what you are saying. Find out what your
friend likes
to do. Just hang out together and see what happens. You are more alike
than
you are different.

Copyright 1999 by UPS for Downs

[andrewsmom]

Ohhhh..... Thanks so much guys! I don't know the Mom well enough to approach her on this one, but I DO think you all came up with a GREAT idea talking to her principal and teacher. I think that is an excellent idea.
MB..... YES! please post the presentation you do in your area, and if you don't mind I would like to combine it with steff's which I also think is great.
I found some books on "differences" that I got when Andrew was first born and I have been reading them to Marissa before bed at night. She is still REALLY upset about this. She has mentioned it on a daily basis. I feel soo bad and just want her to feel better again. I think doing a presentation to her class might just help her......and some other kids in her class (one in particular, kwim?).
Thank you all for your support, and MB....Please post away!!!

[hannahsmomuk]

I think you did great with just what you said

Just this week I had my first experience of someone picking on Hannah

It wasn't at school as it is school holiday here but at an indoor childrens play area and this kid about 8 years old was pushing a big ball into her and knocking her over and then pulling her hair and laughing and trying to get other kids to do it too

For a mother it was heartbreaking and it used all my energy to stop myself from crying

[samanthajosmom_12]

you said the right thing. kids can be cruel. though even when kids are cruel ,sometimes they are hearing things like this from their parents. we allways need to make sure our kids know that they are all beautiful children. like i said ,you did the right thing . you are a good parent! sue