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Post by YoshsMom on Nov 17, 2005 19:14:46 GMT -5
I've posted here many times about how supportive my family has been and how much they love and accept Yosh. Recently, my Mom told me that none of them wanted me to have him. She said they all felt a child with ds would be too much for me and thought I should terminate. I should add that I have a history of depression and my relationship with my family before Yosh was not a good one.
From the moment Yosh was born, they have been there and they don't treat him any differently than my nieces and nephews, but it was a real shock to find out that not only did they think I would consider not having him, but they're surprised that I turned out to be a good parent. Nest week at thanksgiving will be the first time I see everyone since finding this out and I don't know if I can act like everything's ok. But even though I'm just finding out now, all this happened over 3 years ago, so maybe I just need to let it go.
BTW, since my last post things at Yosh's school have improved and he's back to his old self and doing great.
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Post by carolyn on Nov 17, 2005 19:48:50 GMT -5
Kerri- I just wonder what in world your mother had to gain by telling you this, AND how she can speak for "everyone". I would just show up and be my usual self- their actions have shown you they love and enjoy your son, so why go back and rehash old stuff? Also, the idea of having a child with DS is so different than the reality, don't you think? I am sure many of us would have had people in our lives think we were not up to this task, not really understanding how wonderful and rewarding our children would be. Good luck, and enjoy your holidays. Carolyn
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Post by ValerieC on Nov 17, 2005 20:09:13 GMT -5
Maybe, just maybe, it was a backsided (I know I'm saying that incorrectly) compliment. Like, hey, we didn't think you could handle, but look at how you've proved us all wrong.
I agree with Carolyn, pre-conceived ideas of having a child with Ds are much different than reality.
Valerie C
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Post by Emilysmom on Nov 17, 2005 22:14:09 GMT -5
No Kerri........I don't think you are overreacting. It would be hurtful to hear that from family. However, since these things were said BEFORE Yosh came into their lives I think it's sort of a shame you even have to know that they had these feelings. It's great that they have been very loving and accepting and supportive since then and I would try to just focus on that. You know, actions speak louder than words and the actions of your family have been very postive. So, unless someone brings it up I think I'd try to just think about the fact that they were probably very scared for you and .............hey, many of us were much more afraid of the unknown than when our babies arrived and we fell in love with them. Grandparents and aunts and siblings have to feel the same way at times too.
Susan
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Post by momofrussell on Nov 17, 2005 22:27:54 GMT -5
I was thinking the same thing as ValerieC is... that even though worded wrong, it was more of a compliment...like... WOW... look how far you have come in your life... kinda thing? You were gracious to point out to us that life before Yosh was different for you and for your relationship with your family... so you've rose to the occasion and they might just be letting you know how proud they are of you! Even if they did offer a WEE bit too much honest info in doing so. But.. that is what families are for. By the sounds of it, they love Yosh and you even said they have never treated him different. That is a good thing... sounds like they are accepting of the whole situation and just who Yosh is! Only you were there and we weren't.. when it was said.. so I don't know the "tone" in which it was said.... but it does sound like the are commending you and not condemning you So, I'd just do Thanksgiving and leave it at that. Or maybe you could all talk about how "thankful" you are for things and facilitate some nice conversation about Yosh, your accomplishments and your relationship with your family! Hugs! And Happy Thanksgiving!!!! A.
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Post by Tammy on Nov 17, 2005 23:49:08 GMT -5
Kerri, I tend to agree with A and Valeie and what they have said.
I am also thinking that maybe your Mom is feeling guilty for having had those thoughts and feelings, and maybe as a way of relieving that guilt she has told you. As some form of slf healing if you get what I mean. She needed to tell you so that she can move on and truly enjoy the relationship that you both have renewed.
I think that she realises just how much Yosh has given her and you, in fact the whole family and really just needed to get those old ugly feelings out of the way. Mom has put her "uglies" on the table, now it is up to you to sweep them away.
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Post by CC on Nov 18, 2005 0:10:47 GMT -5
Hmmmm You know your mother better then anyone here, WHAT do you think was her real motive behind sharing that info?? Without knowing the woman I guess for me it could go many different ways, KWIM ?? Life is short I say go enjoy the holidays and let it go GLAD to hear things are better at Yosh's program ;D ;D CC ~
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Post by YoshsMom on Nov 18, 2005 8:36:08 GMT -5
Thanks everyone, I think your're right about letting it go. There's no way for me to know what she really meant. Knowing her its just as likely that she meant is as a compliment as it is that she was being deliberately hurtful, or even that she meant it casually. She's a very strange woman.
But there's no point in spoiling our holiday, and possibly ruining a very much improved relationship. Maybe this is all just more evidence of Yosh's good influence on people.
In case I'm not back here any time soon, I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.
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Post by Alice on Nov 18, 2005 9:00:11 GMT -5
Kerri, I would let it go... I remember long time ago (15 years) when I was pregnant with my second child (non DS), I had very bad marriage and my mom and my aunt begged me to terminate the pregnancy to make my life easy. I did not want to hear - I wanted a second child no matter what (good husband or bad). So, now after 15 years they even do not remember that they asked me for - they love my second son to death as they love all my children. ;D Please let it go... Happy Thanksgiving, Alice
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Post by Valerie on Nov 18, 2005 11:37:30 GMT -5
No, I don't think you're overreacting at all. I would be VERY hurt to find that out, and it would definitly be hard to put it behind me and move on. BUT....I think the others are right. It happened a long time ago, and I'm sure she meant it as a compliment about how good you and Yosh are doing. So, yeah, hard as it might be, try to move on and enjoy the holidays!
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Post by meghans_mom on Nov 18, 2005 12:27:19 GMT -5
Yikes...I don't think you're overreacting. That was information you didn't need to know - but I also agree your mom was trying to portray it in a postive way. I don't know and will never ask what my brothers thought - I truly don't even know their stance on abortion, etc in general (we're such a close family, LOL) so no idea what they think I should have done (not that it matters to me). I do know my brothers have never NOT been supportive...the middle brother very much so. My oldest brother - I think - was very uncomfortable with the whole thing, but has never said that in so many words, so maybe I'm just projecting....and has gone on to become one of MM's biggest fans :-) Hugs to you - laurie
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Post by Chris on Nov 18, 2005 14:41:41 GMT -5
I guess mom has never learned that some things are best left unsaid. I am sure your mom is just so in love with Yosh that she can't believe that she and others ever felt the way they did when you were pregnant. Like I said, she just needs to learn to keep her mouth shut. Be the better woman, forgive and forget. Enjoy your holiday.
Chris
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Post by MB on Nov 19, 2005 11:53:25 GMT -5
What would happen if you called your Mom and asked her why she felt she needed to tell you that?
MB
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Post by Radonna on Nov 21, 2005 20:15:20 GMT -5
I was raised United Pentecostal and my Grandparents didn't believe in abortions but they sure as heck believed in miracles. I found out at 16 weeks that my son Kaden had Down syndrome and in the next few months I was overwhelmed by the prayers as support of the UPC. When Kaden was born they wheeled me from the delivery room and I was holding him and smiling from ear to ear "HE has Down syndrome" I announced like I won the lottery. My grandparents literally looked like they were punched in the gut. I was happy he was alive and their disapointment felt like such a betrayal. Your family didn't know Yosh then just like mine didn't know Kaden. It is so easy to be scared of what you don't know. My Grandparents never let me be anything but Poor Radonna from that day on. It was so hard because the people I loved the most really failed me when I needed them most. What I found out after my Grandmother died is there really is no perfect way to handle a situation like that. Are you happy at the time. Well most likely No. Your scared, you question EVERYTHING. I am commited to my life as I can get but there were days when I wondered if I made the choice to have Kaden out of naiveity. But three years ago I was in the exact same situation facing the exact same choices and realized that although I acted out of intinct that I couldn't wouldn't change a thing. Most people never get to go back and redo a part of their lives that they question but I did and it really helped me let go of so much of the bitterness I had towards my family. I know it hurts you to realize those things now but you said that they don't treat him different and that they love him instead of taking the hurt from what you learned take from it that this precious little baby you have came into a family and changed them completely for the better. Kids with Down syndrome bring out the best in people it is part of the gifts they bring just think that that is what Yosh did for your family.
Don't hold this against them in her own way she told you that having Yosh brought out a side of you she never seen before made you BETTER than she expected and made her better too. Put away the hurt of the word abortion and look at what she really said and go have a wonderful Thanksgiving
Radonna
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Post by rickismom on Nov 22, 2005 16:46:49 GMT -5
Your reaction is normal. Now you have the oportunity to practice the middah (character trait) of FORGIVING. Keep in mind that they were probably just VERY concerned for your welfare. And isn't it nice to prove to them that you ARE a good mom? Now show G-d that you can be a forgiver.......
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