Behavioral issues (Chris!!)

[laurasnowbird]

Chris asked what advice I had about helping Sarah keep her clothes on, and I thought I'd start a new thread because I'd love to hear others' comments.

We recently went through an EXTREMELY challenging period with Ethan, who just turned four. The poo smearing was actually the least of our problems. He was ignoring us, disobedient, whining, engaging in lots of repetitive behaviors, and just generally doing things he KNEW he shouldn't be doing.

SO, I felt like I was being consistent, but his behavior told me that I probably wasn't. I sat back and really examined our interactions. After careful thought, I realized that I WASN'T being consistent. Neither was my husband. In fact, he was the worst offender, (and he's a GREAT Dad!) telling Ethan over and over to do something without taking action, threatening time-out, but not following through, etc. I am breastfeeding Aidan, and he quickly learned that he could get away with murder when I sat down with the baby.

We got very aggressive with our "discipline". For instance, He constantly played with the remote control to the television, and the DVD's. My stupid response to that had been to put all the DVD's and remotes out of his reach. Not good. Inconvenient for us, and taught him nothing. The first day, EVERY time I saw him with the remote in his hand, he went in time-out for seven minutes (that happens to be the magic number for him). EVERY time I saw him touch a DVD, he went in time-out. If I was nursing the baby, I put him down in mid-feed and put Ethan in time-out. It didn't matter WHAT we were doing, we paused and put him in time-out. After the first day, I would pick him up, and say, "you are not to touch the remotes, ask Mom or Dad if you need help", and carry him to time-out. If he had the DVD's, he went in time-out.

If he asked for something in a whiny tone of voice, he didn't get it. We would model the correct tone for him, and he had to make a nice request, or he was out of luck. If he was just generally being a snot, he had to go to his room, and I would put the baby gate in the doorway to keep him there. We told him that he was welcome to have a rotten day, but he wasn't going to subject us to it, and when he could be nice, he could come out of his room.

I'm amazed to say that it is TOTALLY paying off. He is a different kid. I actually believed when we started it that he had just become an impossible kid, and that we were going to be stuck dealing with a brat. What I learned is that he was a brat that we had created. I can also truthfully say that he seems MUCH happier since we got consistent. I think it is because he knows what he can expect from us.

Also, we started with just a couple of behaviors that were driving us nuts. (Otherwise he would have been spending the whole day in timeout, LOL!) After we had achieved extinction of those behaviors, we moved on to others.

So Chris, I would make sure that you let Sarah know that the behavior is unacceptable, and devise a suitable consequence. You know best what would work for Sarah. We use the playpen for Ethan's timeout. Be unemotional about it, and be totally consistent. I hope you'll be pleasantly surprised. I'm finding that I am enjoying Ethan a lot more now!

[MB]

Consistent when it is incovenient. Consistent when it feels mean. Consistent when others criticize you. Consistent and unemotional - it is a powerful combination!

I hope you thoroughly enjoy the fruits of your labor!

mb

[laurasnowbird]

Hey MB, nice to see you! How is your back doing?

[ValerieC]

From a mother who loves to be with her children because we have spent the time doing this same thing, consistency with lack of emotion, I wholeheatedly agree.

Definitely choose a discipline that works for you and your child and stick with it. We have one particular discipline for 4 distinct behaviors and then another discipline for all others. My kids know it too! They know what to expect and when to expect it!

Good luck and enjoy your children once again!

MB, didn't know your back was bothering you. Good to see you are around again.

Valerie C

[laurasnowbird]

So, I'm curious, what methods do others use for time-out, and what are the ages of your children? Or do you use other ideas? Always looking for good ideas......

[kwisteena1021]

For Kallie, when she is acting out at school, her punishment is not being able to watch her cartoon when she gets home...which is a really BIG deal to her! When she is acting out at home, her punishment is to be put into her room alone after I explain to her what she has done wrong, her room has no toys for her to play in, they are in the play room, so she hates to be in there alone with NOTHING to do. Then after she calms down I go in and talk to her about what she did wrong and give her an alternative for how she should have handled the situation. For my other daughter, ey yi yi....LOL

[ValerieC]

For my 9 and 7 year olds, if they don't clean their room to my expectations, I remove all that has been left out and they must pay me to get it back. Different prices for different items. I always provide extra chores for money so they have a way to earn their belongings back.

If their chores aren't done by bedtime, then they don't play with their friends, no TV, no snack, no dinner, nothing the next day until the chores are done.

Hannah, my 5 year old, simply needs a stearn voice and talking to and the behavior and heart have changed.

Alethea, I got this from MB, we are working on one particular behavior and heart attitude. If she doesn't want something, she throws it, with a nasty attitude. I make her pick it up and hand it to me. We can sit for 30 minutes through tantrums, etc until she finally hands it to me. I make her hand it to me 3 consecutive times and by the 3 rd time her attitude has changed and she enjoys handing me the object. She rarely throws things now. We've actually had to stop therapy a few times in order for me to get the point across. My therapist always backs me up and usually tickled to have a parent that trains their child in appropriate behaviors.

Valerie C

[Jessie]

Mostly now we use the taking-away-things method, such as his Gameboy since he's a little obsessed with it right now. He gets the point when it's taken away from him. If he won't do something he's told to then the TV goes off (the usual distraction). Honestly, he is getting so much better about things and maturing that we don't have the struggles we did even just a year ago. Amazing! I do have to credit that change though due to, in part, him maturing, but also because we used the consistency method and put some structure into his life. Those things really do work!


Jessie

[CC]

Chris just turned 13 so we have used many different ways over the years. Being consistent with what ever technique we were using at the time along with maturity was the key for us.

School I am happy to say his behavior is 5 STAR ;D Home can be questionable now and then, LOL What works for us best now is just saying "You want a time out" and usually that is all it takes, he will say "NOOOO" and change the behavior. One thing I have used for the last few years and even now if needed is say he is doing something and we have to leave and he doesn't want to stop what he is doing. I have used the 1 2 3 and it works like a CHARM Colin always says to me what are you going to do when you get to 3 and all I can say is THANKFULLY I have never had to go past 2 LOLOL

For my guy a STRONG voice and less words really does and always did work best.

We also, although may not be age appropriate, BUT it works is just say "Chris you want a sad or happy" and BAM he knows what he needs to do to get the happy ;D I am trying now to get away from this as it really is not age appropriate BUT Man on man it works sooo well with him

Chris as a tiny guy was Hmmm lets say a bit challenging in the behavior issues But the GOOD news is he is getting older and behavior issues are less and less except for maybe that TEEN TUDE now and then


CC ~

[MB]

Thanks so much for welcoming thoughts! I have graduated from my seventh back protocol. This one, however, worked! I am so much better. Thank you for asking. This last one involved a team of a chiropractor, masters in physical therapy and an M.D.. I went for 1 1/2 hours three times a week. I was on a new age traction machine, electrotherapy, new age computer driven adjustment machine and exercises.

I will have to continue to exercise every day for the rest of my life, but at least I now have a life!

Wanted to add one more thing about the behavior. Our local association has gone out on a limb and is really recommending focusing on behavior from day one. It is having remarkable results in our local population. Kids are being potty trained as three-year-olds, they are being accepted into dance classes without needing any support, families are reporting high levels of satisfaction in their experience of raising their child.

The Association has also started to call parents of teens/adults when the behavior is inappropriate and have asked the person with Ds to be taken home from activity. Why? Because we are having volunteers drop out of our programs over one or two kids hitting, spitting etc... We are not welcome at restaurants when teenage boys decide to have a grossly loud burping contest and will not stop when the supervising adult warns them. The other reason is that the belief is that anyone can behave appropriately if the expectation is there. We are anxious to see if the behavior changes once the teen is actually sent home (just like any typical teen would be for the same behavior).

We have found that we have better results making our kids likable rather than trying to make the rest of the world like our kids.

Happy New Year everybody!

mb