I wish I were a rock... part 2

[Jodi]

I wish I were a rock... a solid foundation to provide the support needed for my family and the strength to do so even if the lower than lows hit wave after wave.

Things are not horrible - just a constant level of high pressure and after a while I fall apart for a short time, then pull it back together. I do find I have more and more crying days (it used to just be an hour, then hours - now it's days) and as if I don't beat myself up enough, I even upset with myself for moments of weakness/sadness - if I'm not strong... who will be?

My little guy (who isn't so little anymore) STILL struggles with behavior. It is better, but man I've never seen progress move so slow (and I work for a government agency!). His speech is so jacked-up, but he tries. He will talk and talk but it's so dang hard to understand what he is saying. I'm trying to get him to use his device more - but he really likes to just talk instead. I know you take the good with the bad... for instance... he had a dentist appointment and he actually allowed them to take x-rays and clean his teeth. This was huge! Next week - eye appointment... he will need another prescription and has an astigmatism in one eye. Not the end of the world, but I feel like, man... give this kid a break!

The other issue is my older kid with ADHD. He barely passed the 8th grade. We decided to have him repeat a class for 9th grade summer school to get him acquainted with the high school - we figured one class, a repeat, slam dunk - yeah, a slam dunk "F". What the We found out he didn't turn in over 85 assignments (what the ) and LIED about stuff - I should be bald. We regrouped, met with teachers, counselors, his personal doc., came up with a 504 plan, and now I'm like white on rice when it comes to him and his assignments. We had a heart to heart talk and I told him that my hope is that someday he look at his situation and decide to not make excuses for himself. I told him that only he can make that choice - he can either make excuses and use the ADHD as a major excuse for why he isn't succeeding, or he can work hard (harder than most will have to) and succeed. But it's his choice.

What is weired is I work full-time, while my husband stays home - total role reversal. I want to be the one to stay home. I feel I am better equipped to help both the kids, yet I'm the one working. I do the typical "think of the kids at work" "think of work at home" stuff because I feel like I am failing at both. There are co workers who have spouses that stay home - kids have no issues, and man I feel so jealous sometimes!!!

I'm a type-A personality... goal setting hard working freak. Maybe if I was more passive, I could let much of this stuff go, and just go with the flow a little better instead of constantly checking where I am at, and planning where I am going. Hope that makes sense.

Boy this was a ramble! Thanks for letting me share... wish some of you lived near here. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to, KWIM?

Jodi

[Chris]

Jodi,

My older daughter also has ADHD. I found that maturity helped tremendously when it came to taking responsibility for turning in assignments. Your boy must be miserable right now. I am guessing he is probably quite immature for his age since most kids with ADHD do lag behind in their maturity level. The one thing that helped my daughter the most was putting her in a private school where she had the same classmates and many of the same teachers year after year. The continuity was the key to helping her succeed in school.

I know it is a hot button with many parents but I found the only way my daughter could function in school was to put her on stimulant drugs (ritalin, adderall, concerta). They really helped her to keep up with her classmates. She went without medication for about a year and a half and recently started taking them again since she has a tought course load this year. Hopefully, your son will find coping mechanisms that allow him to function with ADHD. Alyssa's teachers have worked diligently teaching their students how to organize and study.

I taught full-time before Sarah was born. My husband also taught full-time but was teaching in a Catholic school. It was no big deal that I made almost twice as much money as he did before Sarah was born but after she was born I wanted to stay at home. I was able to take a three year leave of absence but had to return to work a couple of years ago. My husband quit his job and started teaching a few classes at the area community colleges. He loves it but I wish he could find a real job with a real income! I work half-time but still make more than twice what he makes. I do get angry at times because he is not able to support our family. He has two master's degrees and half of another. He is a brilliant teacher but no school district will hire him because of his age and the number of degrees he holds.

Can you tell your post hit a nerve? Hugs to you.

Chris

[Jodi]

Oh Chris - I think you get it! I guess there's no point in husband-swapping, huh?

We are using ritalin LA right now. Things were going well earlier this year, and we backed-off of the constant assistance. I think we pulled back too much, and now it's like starting over. We hear the same story "I did it" "I know it" which turns into "I lost it" "I didn't understand" - all very typical, yes.

We've been dealing with this since he was 5 (meds at 11), and he is now 14. The teachers and counselors at his high school have been amazing so far - really supportive and helpful. I just dread the first reporting period... ((((sigh)))) but who knows?

[CC]

Sending HUGS your way



CC ~

[momofrussell]

Oh Jodi.. I know you and I have sent messages regarding this ADD/ADHD stuff before.. but somedays.. yes, it truly SUCKS. With Regan being 13 there are times I can now say, thank goodness she is "older" and I can reason SOMETIMES... but like Chris mentioned... she is VERY immature, and also like a child with Aspergers...NO social cues whatsoever.. and most days I still want to sream! We too get the "I know" or.. her new famous "I don't know" when she does

I know it may not help at the moment.. but I think you are doing a GREAT JOB!!! Just even coming here and getting it off your chest is a good thing!!!!! If you ever want to talk, PM me your number and we can gab on the phone!!!! My dime! Yes, I wish I still lived down the road from ya! We'd be drinking wine and crying together! LOL

HUGS MY DEAR!!!

A.

[Cbean]

I thought I was the only one!

[Tammy]

Jodi....

We are sitting right alongside you with much the same issues here.
Lewis is the LEAST of our problems...and lucky for us, there is no issues to deal with there...

But the issues with our teenage (14) daughter with ADHD and school...
well.... I thought I was reading a page from my own diary when I read about your son telling lies, making excuses, and almost never handing in assignments...

I have spoken to her teachers and we decided it was OK for them to phone me anytime they were not happy with her or what she was doing (or not doing as is more the case usually!!)...

Have had more phonecalls than I was hoping for...was hoping that her knowing I was in CoHoots with the teachers might have got her moving...but...we still got calls...

Now we have taken her out of all extra-curricular activities, ie; Band, science club etc... the reasoning being...
If she does not have time to do her homework, then she does not have time to do the things she likes...

She is on Medication etc, but it still seems an uphill battle for us...

You are not alone,

I have no sage advice, except, have a glass of wine before/after/during your hot shower with tears...

You WILL get through it...

and so will I !...

[Jodi]

Just reading your posts has made me feel so much better. I do feel so alone with this stuff sometimes - like no one else understands the stress and frustration of the situation, KWIM? But you guys so get this, and I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts on the matter.

I've hired a college student to come in twice a week and work with Josh. He isn't a life coach by any means, but thought we'd start here - it's a lot cheaper. Coaches can run $150 and up per hour!

Being we have a single income, there's not much extra to go around but I did something crazy. The dear boy has been begging for the latest and greatest gaming system - and so I went out and bought it! It's in the box, unopened, and it's staying that way until after the first grading period. It's just sitting in the hallway in front of his room. He was getting mouthy about not getting it sooner and I told him it is a REWARD - he has to go above and beyond what is normal for him to earn it. I hope it works - it was a huge investment! Even if he does earn it, he will have to earn privileges to play with it each weekend - NO WAY does he get any game time during the week!!!

By the way, he is in band, and Tammy - you hit the nail on the head about extra stuff. I told him that if after the first grading period his grades are at a certain level, poof - band is GONE because just like you said, if the grades are bad, then he needs more time to work.

It's been another water-free day! Maybe I'll get the shirt out this weekend! LOL

Thanks again gals - really appreciate the support!!

Jodi

[Jessie]

I so feel for you guys that deal with ADD/ADHD. I've posted before that my brother has severe ADD and it was hell on the entire family growing up with him. Of course, the only available med back then was Ritalin and they didn't call it ADD. He was 20+ years old before they finally gave it a proper name.

Anyway, I'm thinking about the discipline you guys were talking about and I was kind of thinking that it won't work. Sorry, hate to be the bearer of bad news! LOL I'm just thinking that their minds are wired so different from ours that punishment simply doesn't work.

I have no clue what the answer is, but next time I have a good talk with my brother I'm going to get his opinion on what he thinks would have worked for him. He's at a point in his life that he can be reflective and analytical about his life. Just the other night we talked for almost an hour about his past addiction (crack) and what it was like trying to get away from that crap.

So, hopefully I can catch him in a chatty mood again soon and I'll let you know if he has any words of wisdom. He's gone through everything your kids are going through now plus all of the adult stuff, so he might be able to offer some insight.


J

[Jodi]

I know what you are trying to say Jessie. There are issues with what is called executive functioning which deals with the ability of the brain to perform certain tasks. He has the stamina and focus to do well for a short period of time. He hardly has the stamina to remain focused for longer periods, but under the care of his physician and psychologist, we do believe him capable of achieving a certain level. Expecting perfection is out of the question, but expecting a minimum performance while understanding his limitations is not unreasonable. What we are asking for is not even close to straight A's. It's more about habits than it is about grades. It just so happens that the habits we are trying to help him to get into will reflect better grades just by the nature of the program. By just remembering to turn in assignments and staying organized would get him good grades. He wants the gaming system and to stay in band so much that he is writing better reminder notes and using a daily check list with better results - for now.

Hope that makes sense... and by all means... get tips!!!

[Tammy]

Jodi... we are completely on the same page here!!LOL...
Reading your post could be reading mine!!
Jessie, I really do get what you are saying too, but, we feel at 14 she needs to at leats learn some responsibility for her actions or inactions.
By taking her out of Band etc, is not seen as punishment, but a a consequence.
If she is not prepared to put in the effort to do her schoolwork, then we are not prepared to put in the effort for her to do the things she wants to do...ie; I am no longer going to run around to get her to practice, concerts etc.
She still attends some after school activities, ones that her sister also attends, so if I am going anyway, she can come. But until she makes an effort for me, I wont make an effort for her...if that makes any sense...
We are just at our wits end with her and her school work. This has been going on for nearly two years now, and no strategies we implement seem to work...
It has got to the point now that we have thrown our hands in the air and given up.
We have had the tears and the I promise I will change thing way too many times now to believe it will happen. We have all modified class environments, given time extensions, and really bent over backwards trying to make allowances for "the condition"...but she chooses NOT to take advantage of the situation, and just wont work...
Last week I received a phone call about her Math assignment... she had to sit and count cars for an hour and do a tally etc and write a report about the results ie what is the most popular color, make, type etc...easy peasy couple of hours work at most...she was given Five weeks to do it where the others were given 4...pretty generous all round...but she did NOT do the work or hand in the assignment!! She made excuses (lied) to her teacher, made another set of excuses(lies) to us...

Jodi, the idea of the Game system reward is good if it works!
Our daughter wants a part time job and her own money...she wont be getting one until she shows us she is capapble of doing the work...both schoolwork and employment...
She needs to learn commitment anresponsibility...

I wish there was a miracle cure, but it seems I will be wishing forever...

[momofrussell]

I think, once again, it depends on the child. Having Regan and trying our best to teach her responsiblity, consequences for actions and those types of things is VERY tricky! We've learned over the years that taking away the TV or gameboy or an extra curricular activity DIDN'T work for us. There are ALOT of natural consequences that just don't penetrate for Regan (the lack of social cues comes into play big time here) For us we also had to do our best to figure out what would work for us, like changes in environment, foods, (simple things like no soda during the week) and stuff like that.

We took away horsebackriding a few years ago for the same issues and it actually proved to be worse. I started realizing and through counseling with her, that for Regan it was NOT the best to do. She withdrew more but STILL didn't understand why it happened or the what.. it's hard to explain but they told us what I was already thinking...we took away the one special thing that she naturally excelled and could FOCUS on, because she couldn't do good in the rest of her life... does that make sense? So, for us it broke her but still never taught her a darn thing. So, we added back with horsebackriding with more boundries. Eventually she wasn't willing to focus even on that task and it finally did go away.. but the reasons were different and well, it worked out different.

Regan does ice skating.. and that is the only extracurricular thing. Right now we took a break because of the house stuff but are starting back up in a few weeks.. both girls. Regan excells at this more then she did at horsebackriding actually... she loves it.

Anywhoooo sorry I am rambling.. LOL.. also, for us, like with projects and assignments that take longer then a day to finish, and homework sometimes still, she may be 13 going on 14 and we need her to learn accountability, but we are still the ones driving the force behind certain measures to get things done. Projects have been the BIGGEST thorn with some lying on her part, apathy on our part... we've all learned what will work to keep her in check. I ask her daily about homework and she is getting better and getting it done. She still messes up and doesn't turn stuff in WE think she did. But it's not as much. And for projects she now has to write them on the calendar when they are due. She also should be writing down what she needs for the project and Kevin and I have taken a very active roll in making her do it in a good time frame. It was a long time getting to this point. We have other checks and balances too with projects and homework ect. She does NOT like it but well, she can't remember so I am her memory LOL. I am not ready to just sit back and have her just fail in school and suffer the consequences just yet. So, we do everything we can to make her succeed. There ARE times she has decided to not tell us something or not turn something in and I am like "well, deal with it"... and she does suffer consequences, but since she doesn't "get it" for the most part, it would be disasterous if we just let the cause and effect truly take over to teach her. But again, this is just Regan.

Tammy, we are the same way with jobs and money and such. Regan has entitlement issues and thinks the only time she needs to really work for something is if she is getting paid. Well, in our house we help out as a family and if you are responsible, THEN you earn stuff.. and I try to remember TO acknowledge when she, and Reece too actually, are "doing the right thing" in the house.. and I slip them money. Regan is also pretty good at babysitting for me and I do pay her for our longer outtings where I need her to watch Reece and Russell. She wants to babysit other kids but I told her she has to be on her game always and I need to see her responsible more then I do now... and I think I mentioned this previously... but as she has gotten older, we can reason and talk better which has helped ALOT!

didn't I say I was rambling? LOL

***wait... I didn't ramble enough LOL.. I did want to add we STILL take "things" away from Regan and do have the "if you do this, this will happen" stuff daily. and we do follow through and take things away.. I just don't think it's working with her like it does with some kids.

A.

[Jessie]

Ok, guess what I was trying to say is that my brother didn't have the capacity to CARE about consequences, not that he didn't understand them. That's what I meant about them being wired differently. My dad used to discipline him the way you would any other kid - take things away, threaten to not be able to do an activity, etc. It didn't matter, Paul was incapable of changing his behavior. On the flip side, dad was always rooting for my brother to succeed and would do anything to help him. My brother loved playing football, however, having to listen to someone tell him what to do (you know, the COACH), didn't sit too well with him and his temper got the best of him. Because he knew Paul's temper and his love of football, my dad talked the coach into giving him another try. Same scenario. There were lots of arguments in our house over things like this. Paul wanted something so badly but could not conform to the rules of the game enough to keep playing.

I really, really do hope that since you guys have more options these days and more knowledge about how to help your kids that things turn out differently for them.

Jessie, aka, Miss-Know-It-All - LOL

[laurasnowbird]

Jodi,

Wow, girl, you are dealing with a lot! It sounds like you have identified a lot of issues, and have a plan to deal with them. I've decided that by the time all of my children have grown up and left the house that I will have a PhD in GUILT. Honestly, I don't know of a single mom who doesnt' believe they should be doing more, doing better, spending more quality time, etc. etc. etc. Really, the list goes on and on, and we are experts at identifying all that we think we SHOULD be doing, but aren't. We need to take the time to give ourselves credit for what we do well.

I can identify with the Type A, goal-setting, list-making behavior. But don't let it take over your life. A very dear life-long friend of mine recently found that she had a tumorous growth, and there were three very anxious weeks while we awaited some test results. Thankfully, everything was fine, but it made me realize that LIFE is still going on, in spite of me and my lists and all the crap I think I have to get done. If I died tomorrow, would most of it matter? Give yourself a break honey, and a great big HUG!!!