mb - you may have started something (good!)

[Jodi]

Well Unomasers I see we have two options here... either send all our children to mb for boot camp, or (gulp) get tough (or should I say smart!).

Last night Ryan was letting our dog lick his fork at the dinner table. I said "stop" (he understood what he was supposed to stop) and I raised my hand (like I was going to smack the hand on the table). He looked at me and said "no". Sweet kid. I followed through with a smack to his hand.

I realized what I should have done is said "if you want to keep eating your dinner, then stop letting Allie lick your fork" and if he said no, the say "okay" and then tossed his dinner in the trash! He LOVES food... and I know that would have cured him.

We are fed up with being manipulated! I am loving the idea of waiting for him to ask for help, helping around the house, and using natural consequences.

Each child is different, at different levels, but we know our kids and we can make those adjustments. I agree we have to give many chances on certain behaviors to make sure it isn't over his head... but I think he's in for a big surprise!

I wonder if we tend to overdo it when it comes to behaviors. I asked dh (who is a stay at home dad is ready to get the heck back to work!!!) to look at this more as a contract with our children. We guide them, they make choices, they either get rewarded or punished. We've overpraised Ryan to the point where he expects to be praised for "normal" behavior - potty, cleaning up, etc. Instead of saying "good job" I'm trying to switch to "thank you" or just saying "ok". Everything does not need to be praised for goodness sake!

His behaviors are: keeping shoes on, getting dressed, going to the car to go to school, using the bathroom, turning off the tv or game, yelling while we are on the phone or trying to have a conversation with eachother.

I'm thinking that for tv and games, the natural consequence if he doesn't turn it off, then he looses it for the next day. The shoe thing... well, he would be happy as a clam to just keep them off. He also shreds his sock (has a real obsession with pulling loose strings, picking holes in sweaters, ruining my comforter!!!)...

Do any of you have other suggestions for consequences? Maybe we can share what works and what has failed. Not that this information will help every child, but maybe it can help one!!

Now, mb, about that summer program LOL!!

Jodi

[Jessie]

"I wonder if we tend to overdo it when it comes to behaviors. I asked dh (who is a stay at home dad is ready to get the heck back to work!!!) to look at this more as a contract with our children. We guide them, they make choices, they either get rewarded or punished. We've overpraised Ryan to the point where he expects to be praised for "normal" behavior - potty, cleaning up, etc. Instead of saying "good job" I'm trying to switch to "thank you" or just saying "ok". Everything does not need to be praised for goodness sake!"

Oh how I can relate Jodi. We sooooo overdo this too. Actually, to the point that it's exhausting. I've backed off now a little and simply expect certain things out of him. It's not like he stands there and says "so . . . say thanks that I went pee". That's something we are soooo guilty of and if you think about it, it takes away from the fact that there are things they should just do - not that it's a choice or a favor, KWIM?

We have so far to go with behavioral things that I don't know if I can offer much advice yet. We did have a good experience this morning though. When I yelled upstairs for him to get up (yes, I know we need to switch to an alarm clock!), he did his usual growling at me. I said, "Jason, get up, I'm not dealing with that this morning". (Brian was at an early business meeting so it was just me getting the kids out the door this morning) I went to the bathroom, got Ellie and came back out - lo and behold he was already downstairs starting to get ready for school. Lately it's been heck trying to get him up in the morning - telling him to get up 5 or 6 times.

He also was in a very good mood this morning and helped with Ellie without me asking anything of him. He also swiped $40 from the counter . . . I guess he expected payment for helping me this morning! LOL Thank goodness he gave it to his teacher when he got to school and not to another kid!

But, back to the point, I think HE got the point that I wasn't going to dink around with an attitude this morning. We'll see how daddy does tomorrow morning being I'm out of town . . . he said he was going to tell him the same thing tomorrow if he starts off growling again.


Jessie

[Chester]

I agree Jodi, but I think I'm the one that needs the bootcamp, not my kids! I didn't realize what a softie I was......geez.

Good Luck!
Dawn

[Jessie]

Yup, Dawn, it's kind of like we all needed to be smacked in the face to WAKE UP and take back control of our lives! LOL

MB - you are really Jo from Supernanny, aren't you? LOL



Jessie

[Ericsmomma]

Oh...I can so relate to the "over-reacting" when they do something they are supposed to do!
We have to clap and cheer with EVERY bite Eric will take on his own during meal times....its exhausting! And I know I'm not doing him any good.....its very hard to reverse this behavior when I've let it go on for so long.....but I've finally "woke up".

[CC]

"Do any of you have other suggestions for consequences? Maybe we can share what works and what has failed. Not that this information will help every child, but maybe it can help one!!"

For us what has worked at different times in Christopher's journey was ~

Time out

Counting to three (in a very strong voice) before time out and by 2 he would and still does straighten out and if he doesn't, which is rare we time him out.

I have learned to say less and give him time to digest it and for us that was a BIGGY

I say Chris the BUS and count slowly to 7 in my head before I react again and that has been a charm for us too. OMG he used to just zone out but then my G/F said OMG "shut up" with all the words LOL and ever since every day has been a joy getting him on the bus ;D

I use to say GET Dressed and he would just seem to be like Hmmmm but then I would say K, you want to wear this or that and he would just pick one and get dressed ;D

I wanted to get the homework done ASAP so that I could get on with what we needed to get on with and as soon as he got home I would drag out the HW and say come on lets do. I learned very quickly he needed his down time and backed off and all on his own after a few of Nintendo games or watching Sponge Bob he would all on his own go to his back pack take out his homework and just due ;D Honestly there are still times I have to say come on buddy homework but no longer a power struggle that he always had to due it on my time

For my guy as much as he can be a challenge at times, for him all he needed was to be shown what was needed to be done and how to do it.

Chris does not handle the Lots of Praise, actually it turns him off as the same with going over board "on the I am boss follow what I say", he is a kid that needs the middle road and instruction's so that he gets it.

For us that has worked wonders, not saying its the way for all, just saying for us it has been nothing but a plus

CC ~

[MB]

On the praise thing, I have learned to match my son's enthusiasm or lack of enthusiasm when he accomplishes something. If he is excited about a grade from school or finishing a chore, I meet his enthusiasm - big smile, thanks, hug, high five whatever he seems to be expecting. If he just does the chore and lets it go, fine by me.

I would tell you that I believe the behavior modification needs to take place at both the time and place of the infraction. We can just now talk about consequences that go beyond the same day. In other words, have the consequence immediately before the kid becomes confused.

And no, I am not the Supernanny. She refused to take on the kid with Down syndrome when confronted with one! She just kept saying the child had special needs! LOL

A Dr. Phil type guy told me recently that people can sense when you have "had enough." They tend to back down more easily when you project that you are firmly routed in changing things. It's almost a scary calm that comes over me when I finally decide that enough is enough.

mb

mb

[momofrussell]

speaking of overzealous praises... I find I am STILL having to do this with my 13 yr old because she is VERY immature socially and I feel like I have a 7 yr old. After a few different docs a few years ago and some therapy for all, they made me feel like I was suppose to praise her good behaviors to a fault. And after a while, you DO start to think... hmmmm do I STILL need to give her HIGH FIVES when she attempts to brush her teeth by herself at 15 for the first time? LOL Sadly, due to her immaturity she NEEDS the over the top kudos which , well, not to sound mean, but, I am tired of having to do this for her like she is 7.

Had enough and scary calms? LOL.. Oh yes.... that's usually when I "hit home' with the family..when I am truly done... then they TRULY understand LOL

A.

[trishasmom]

We also give lots of praise it's a good motifier and it all depends on what she is doing. The hard a skill is to learn the more we praise, clap, say whoo hoo, etc. If it's a skill she has pretty much mastered we just say good job if she looks at us expectently other wise we just go on with normal business. I remember someone asking me if I would still be clapping for her when she was 40 years old and my response was I sure will and I will be clapping for me too cause when she is 40 I will be pushing 80! lol

I was just thinking, when we go to a concert do we clap after every song? Or do we clap everytime some one says something in a speech we like? What about sports do we not clap, holler, cheer and so on during the whole game? If a little cheering or praise is going to get her to learn a new skill heck I guess I can keep on cheering and praising, it sure beats having to do the total care so yea, I'll keep on cheering and praising cause that means that is one tiny thing I might not have to do anymore or at least not as often. :-)

[Claire]

Hey glad I was reading this and not Adam. ;D ;D ;D
You are so right, I do overpraise all the time. It's like if he is good I jump right in a praise as to give positive reinforcement, but you made me realize that praising is OK but also, saying NO and sticking to it is OK too. It's like when he started hitting anyone that was at arms lenght for no reason, well all the behaviors specialist were saying is " He's doing it to communicate" Well it didn't feel like communcation after a while.(OUCH). Until one day his sister who is only 1 year older smacked him back as hard as he had smacked him. Guess what the hitting stopped.

And Jessie good idea on the switching of words.

And Trishasmom you are right we will both be in the same boat. I will be 81 when Adam is 40, so this has to stop now.
Thanks for all these good suggestions, I copied and pasted it and is Adam in for a surprise tomorrow. Boot Camp starts at 7am sharp. Be there are be square;)