Offensive Email

[Jenifer]

An acquaintance of mine actually sent me the following email today. I am furious.

Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day. Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend...just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, love farm animals, take the short bus or occasionally poop yourself...you hang in there sunshine, you're frigging special.

I am so hurt. I can't believe someone who knows I have a child with ds would even consider sending this to me. I don't know what to do.

Jenifer, mom to Joy Daisy.

[pmjc]

This is horrible and I would certainly tell the person who sent it to you how upset it made you. I wonder where something like this started and if can be stopped before it goes any further?

[momofrussell]

UM.. WOW... that is just awful!!!!! I think a nice snarky reply is in order!!! LOL

A.

[kellyds]

What in the world?!?!?!? Could it be attached to a virus or something, so maybe she didn't really send it? You know how some viruses harvest addresses from your email and send out random junk that pretends it's from someone else?

Could someone really be ignorant enough to think you'd consider that FUNNY?

[Connie]

Jennifer,

I am in no way defending your friend but want to give you different look at your problem.

While on Spring Break a dear friend of mine (who has watched Collin and had him in class) and her husband were joking around and made a derogatory comment. Something to the jest of my friend being in a special education class and riding the short bus. I didn't comment but it did catch me off guard and I knew they did not mean anything by it.

The next day my friends husband asked Michael (my DH) if he had offended me. I actually went and talked to him and his wife. They honestly didn't see Collin that way, they only see him as one of the kids. They don't see him has having mental retardation.

While not right, they honestly meant no harm. Would it have done any good for me to scold them, no it would have just alienated them but by letting it roll of and not making a big deal about it and talking to them I believe next time they will think twice.

Another thing that happened was when Collin was wrestling his coach went up to Michael and said "If we could just get him to learn he would be an excellent wrestler". Michael did not what to say to that because his coach actually just does not understand Down Syndrome. His coach adores Collin and didn't mean anything by the comment.

Your friend may not see your daughter in that light. I would talk to her. Feel her out and see where is was coming from.

Also, don't take it to heart even if she did mean it there are just always going to be people out there who are ignorant and don't care about others feeling.

Connie

[kellyds]

Okay, I'm totally disgusted. I searched "International Disadvantaged People's Day", and this little "funny" is all over the web. The version you posted is watered-down a bit. The others are nastier. People are calling it "Mongo Day". What is WRONG with people?!?!?!?

[Chris too]

Ignorance and fear is what's WRONG with people. Feel sorry for them; pray for them; don't let their sad admission of poor social training get you down.

Living well is the best revenge.

[wrblack]

I'm not sure, might depend on who sent it and how well I knew them. There was some good advice regarding the use of the R-word in the Boston Globe magazine from Miss Conduct not long ago,

www.boston.com/news/globe/magazine/articles/2007/03/18/miss_conduct/

March 18, 2007

I am the parent of a developmentally disabled child. Friends and colleagues who are aware of this still often use the word “retarded” to describe things they find funny, different, disappointing, frustrating, difficult, or stupid. I know they don’t intend to insult me, but I cringe every time I hear that word. I tell myself these people are just speaking thoughtlessly. I don’t like to correct others and feel that doing so would only make me feel isolated and stigmatized, especially when it occurs in a group situation. What are your thoughts?
L.G. in Boston

I can’t make this one easy for you, L.G. You’re not comfortable hearing the word “retarded” used in a colloquial, insensitive way, and you’re not comfortable confronting people about it. But think of this: You say you would feel “isolated and stigmatized” if you were to correct people, but don’t you already feel that way when they call the latest celebrity scandal or company cost-cutting initiative “retarded”? And wouldn’t you like to do what you can to save other parents of developmentally disabled children the same feelings?

To speak up or not is your choice. But keep in mind that you don’t have to make a big moralizing speech in order to correct people, especially since your friends and colleagues know about your child. The next time someone says something like “This new policy is retarded,” you could reply, “I think you mean ‘dumb, time-wasting, and misguided.’ ” They’ll get the message. You are obviously an articulate person, and if you make the alternative to “retarded” even more colorful, you can make your point clearly, but in a way that amuses rather than chastens people. How would you feel saying something like “Paris Hilton is not ‘retarded.’ She is a threat to all that is dear and holy in our civilization”? I find it a rather satisfying statement, myself.

Maybe it's just the mood I'm in, but if I wasn't all that close or comfortable with the sender of this email, I think I would hit reply-to-all and add a few addys from address book, any mutual friends, their family, especially sender's mother, my family, sender's employer, minister, banker--folks like that. And with forced civility respond, I'm sorry, but having lived with a young man for almost 8 years now, who is mentally retarded and has for several years been riding on a small special ed school bus, I do not find this in the least amusing. Maybe I'm losing my sense of humor, but these days I find this sort of humor quite offensive. Actually, I hope I'm not losing my sense of humor, still find plenty to laugh about, but hope I've gained the sense and taste not to laugh at people because they are different or have problems. And I sometimes worry about some people who haven't learned that lesson yet.
Something along those lines. Then maybe delete them from my address book and block them from my email.
Again, just a thought,
Bob

[momofrussell]

Actually...I would bank whomever sent it just hit "send to all" when they fowarded it and didn't give two thoughts (or one even LOL) to whom they are sending it too.

Connie does have a good point too

And I still think I'd be in the snarky comment dept for once LOL Usually I take this stuff with a grain of salt and really don't care two hoots for the most part... but, over the top stuff like this makes the smart a.s.s. side of me really come out LMAO

A.

[kellyds]

I think it's a crummy thing to send to people, even if they DON'T have a developmentally disabled child. Yes, I'll bet they did just do a mass forward of this. It's hard for me to understand the mentality of people who find this humorous. Having a "retarded" child isn't what enlightened me. There are just some things human beings should know intuitively.

Still, being the nonconfrontational type, I'd delete and ignore, unless it was someone I knew well enough to educate kindly.

[kristin]

How about replying to the offensive email, and attaching the lovely movie that Kelley posted for us yesterday... That makes people stop and think about who in this world is really "disadvantaged"... For the most part, it is certainly not folks with disabilities.

If you don't have the link I think it is this: www.stservicemovie.com

[momofrussell]

yes, I agree it's crummy regardless... people that send that out do NOT really care about our kids or how it feels.. they get their rocks off finding humor in all of this... BLECH!

These are the things I show regan and tell her.. don't EVEN go there LOL

A.

[MB]

Normally, I would counsel someone to let it go. Rarely does someone use the word retarded in reference to people with Ds. They usually use it in reference to some misstep they have taken themselves. For example, "I cannot figure out my new camera. I'm so retarded."

However, this person sent an e-mail clearly aimed at persons who are receiving special education services due to the short bus reference. This was not a slip of the "R" word, this was a deliberate insult to persons with developmental disabilities and an opportunity to laugh at their expense.

mb

[Jackie]

I agree with ALL of you ...Connie and the others...not sure what I would do if I got this...probably outrage actually because this was not a slip of the tongue like the people Connie was talking with. Someone made this up with full intention of insulting people with down syndrome and similar disabilities.

And in light of all that Don Imus mess...I have been seething all week...This one incidence ...awful as it was ... is no worse than a horrid joke that happened a month or two ago on Saturday Night Live. Not sure if any of you caught it...it was in the reminiscing scene that included Dwight from the Office who was guest host. Can't remember the exact joke...but something to the effect of going to the park ...throwing nuts at the squirrels ...then having to "go home with my father who had down syndrome"...ugly and totally derrogatory...to me just as bad as what Imus said. Yet ...on a show with probably a larger audience than MSNBC Early show...not a word in the press ...nuthin'! But a month later when it was repeated...the joke was still there ...but tag line..had been bleeped...so there had to be a backlash strong enough to make them take it out....but still...no public outrage. No disability rights people being interviewed or anything.



Ok...vented...and am still angered by this awful email.....


Jackie

[Renee']

I am sorry you have to get that email. It is horrible and I too would be hurt if it came from a friend.