Jason's behavior problems - HELP!

[Jessie]

Ok, so the boy has done great this year in school as far as very few behavioral issues and his academics have even been improving greatly.

However, the last month or so he's had several outbursts at school where his teacher has called us to talk about it (it's pretty serious if she calls). So, you're thinking that it's a no-brainer . . . new baby in the house so Jason is acting out, right? Maybe it is impacting him more than what we think, but we honestly are not seeing how it has changed his life that much.

He has the same routine he always has had in the morning and in the evenings, he gets his alone time that he wants, neither of the other two kids have rooms near him, he gets all the same "stuff" he always would have, he goes to grandma's house by himself and Brian and I each take him and do things with just him. So . . . what more can we do for him?

I have a little voice in my head saying that we are actually overcompensating and he's crossing the line of acting very spoiled. The issue at school today was that he wasn't allowed to play with some type of cars outside during recess. They usually don't even have those cars out there during his recess because he has gotten so aggressive with them in the past. So, today when his aide was trying to get him away from the cars he lashed out at her, digging her in the arm in 3 places, scratched her face, etc. After other staff intervened to help out and take the cars away, the aide let go of him and so he then picked up a stick and tried to hit people with it because he was so mad. Sounds like a VERY ugly incident - probably the worst meltdown he's ever had.

We always have to keep in mind the fact that he doesn't communicate his feelings to us and can't articulate what's bothering him. However, we can't have this big, strong 14-year old lashing out simply because he doesn't get his way - whether there are two babies in the house or ten that could be upsetting his apple cart - it's just not acceptable behavior.

Suggestions??? My thought for punishment for this incident is that he shouldn't be allowed to have the dog in his room the entire night. Trust me, it will be ugly and punishment enough for the whole family to not allow the dog to be in his room. I think we need to get his attention though and this would do it. Brian's not home right now so I haven't had a chance to talk to him about it yet. He's usually very reluctant to take something away like his t.v. or the dog because he will throw a fit about it all night and, quite frankly, it's hard enough having a fussy baby and a busy toddler without having Jason carrying on all evening too! Maybe it's a classic case of using negative attention to get attention? Even though I truly do not believe he is slighted, maybe he's trying to grab some control in his life. His teacher did also say that lately whenever any of the other kids in class get out of their seats Jason will go and make them sit back down. Kind of like he is trying to be the disciplinarian and in control? What's a punishment or even just a change that we need to enforce to get a long-term result??

Thanks for listening and any suggestions!!!

Jessie

[Connie]

Jessie,

I am in no way defending what he did and I agree he needs to be punished but when I read your story the first thing I thought of is if the aids know there is a problem why were the cars even out, was he behaving with the cars and did they try to insight a riot by taking them away to prevent a future problem?

I know Collin has one aid that gives him fits and she loves him dearly but she can be over bearing and in his face and he resents it and lashes out at times.

For example if he is doing something that has caused problems in the past she has removed him from the situation even though this time he is being good and following the rules and he gets mad and lashes out because while Collin is very verbal he cannot express his emotions.

There are times that people can be well meaning but mean without even knowing it. If other kids were playing with the cars I can understand why he would be so upset if he were being treated differently.

It is so hard to get the whole story sometimes from threads.

I too, punish my kids for bad behavior at school but I often wonder if I am doing the wrong thing because they are getting punished 2x for the same crime.

Connie

[ALLISA]

Connie brings up a good point about punishing twice ( especially since he has a LOT going on at the moment).....

How about starting with a warning.....have a long talk tonight about what happened.....a letter of apology to the aide wouldn't be out of order. And a warning that if this ( or anything like it ) happens again the dog will NOT sleep in his room.

Remind him when he sets off for school and when he returns with no bad baehaviors (fingers crossed~ please only good news~) you tell him how relieved the dog is that he can sleep with him !

Best of luck.....I know you two will come up with the right solution !

You are 100 % correct that ALL children can't be excused from their behavior

[MB]

I think he needs both consequences and intervention so it won't happen again.

1. Intervention. Aide in his face. A fourteen-year-old boy should not have an adult in his space. He is asserting his independence. If he could communicate, he would tell her to shutup and get out of his face. He would still be in big trouble, but telling someone to shutup is a heck of a lot different than physical violence. So, I would go for communication including full blown sign language for life. There is a delightful young man with Ds who only signs at special olympics. He has an interpreter running up and down the court signing in the coaches' instructions. He seems to do very well and in the short time I had to observe showed no frustration.

2. Telling Jason he cannot play with the cars is enough. "Jason, you cannot play with the cars today. Give me the cars." The aide then steps BACK, NOT TOWARDS him. She then says, "I know you will do the right thing." She goes and sits down and waits. It will take maybe 10 minutes for him to think about doing the right thing. Ten minutes is a long time.

If Jason simply does not comply at all during recess, then the natural consequences kicks in. The natural consequences are to apologize to the aide and forego playing with the cars the next day because he cannot be trusted to give them to the aide when asked.

If during the recess, Jason becomes aggressive with the cars, clear the other kids off the playground and wait for Jason to comply. Now the natural consequence is that he will have no recess the next day because he ruined the other kids' recess.

In all of these scenarios, Jason does not have the opportunity to hit people.

When Brian comes home, you all head back to school to the playground. You bring cars with you even if you have to stop and borrow or buy some. You both take Jason to the playground and have him practice giving you the cars when asked. You do this three times. Then, the LECTURE. "How could you embarass yourself and our family? I work hard all day. I do not need to come home and find out that my son has hit people and made my wife upset. My job is to go to work so we can have a home and food and vacations. I do not hit people at my job. Your mother (Jessie) does her job and takes care of you and the babies. She does not hit anyone. Your job is to go to school and learn and behave. DO NOT HIT ANYONE."


"Jason, you will not play with any cars tomorrow and you will not be mad about it. Miss So and So is going to call me if you get mad. I am bigger and stronger than you."

Then nothing more is to be said. He will grouse and growl and go to his room and probably yell uninteligible insults. Fine with me as long as he doesn't injure himself or property.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it (until someone throws a car at me.)

By the way, there should be no more reference to the incident. Don't give him the poor Jason look. Just go on with your life. Let him be mad at himself. I would not allow him to manipulate you.

I would not take the dog away because, based upon my own son, the dog is a safety issue for him. For my son it would be like locking him outside to spend the night alone. He is afraid of the dark and the dog is a comfort to him. (And no, I would never lock a child outside of the house!)

Good luck.

mb

[momofrussell]

Well, after MB's post I just don't know what else I could add! LOL Before reading her post I would have said "take the dog away" but now I am not sure BUT.. that said... YOU know Jason and the dog and what consquences will get his attention. I think Brian and you need to grin and bear it and if you DO tell Jason the consequences and then the infraction happens, you NEED to follow through no matter what!!! Crying baby and all!! I know you know this It's tough and rough and I feel for you... ask Regan... just in the past week her TV AND Ipod. I warned and warned and well, I had to follow through and had to feel the rath of her grief! LOL

I like the suggestion given about the aide and even like what Connie said. Sounds like their might be a power struggle with both of them... maybe some aide/Jason boundries are needed.

Oh.. and on double dipping on the consequences... I don't know.. I know if it were Regan, in order to hit home, it would be done at school and at home. So... the jury is out for me on that. I think it would depend on the child though and what they understand. If Russell did something at school, he would NEVER "get" a consequence later on that afternooon/evening... he is SO not there yet... so it would have to be a consequence at school only.

A.

[Debi]

Hey Jessie...I HAD to chime in on this one.. and TRY to be brief at the same time LOL(Not sure I can make that happen)
Gabe has had behaviors this year that mirror what you have described... I think it has a lot to do with issues of "demand"... such as asking Gabe to be more age appropriate which he most certainly can do and which he most certainly doesn't want to. Gabe is also a BIG guy and if he lashes out it's not pretty for anyone .

I do double dip the punishment at home now (didn't use to as much.. if he turned it around at school) but he's been needing real consequences that carry over for him and help him realize that he has to behave ALL day every day. I truly truly think there is much to be said for Gabe's age as much as circumstances.. yeah the aides might not do it right, but Gabe is of an age now where he has to learn that he has to follow directions (for his own safety as well as others) and that he can't have a physical fit for whatever reason. (If he wants to sulk that's fine; he's just be joining his siser@) but he can't hit or try & be a physical bully.
I have talked to his school until I actually turned quite blue but now.. at about..8 mos. into this process.. they are being more consistent with me. In other words the consequences carry over from school to home and back again... One of the biggest diffuculties w/ Gabe is that lack of communication that he has but when he loses something important to him , he knows he messed up big time.
The other thing. .. I can't remember if you have Jason use a communication device or what.. but whatever you are doing at school & at home.. I explained to them how Gabe has to have directional training... he needs to lean the life skill that he has to follow directions and that he has to take direction from all sorts of people. Sp that is currently on his Go Talk along with wants and needs etc. That probably has been the single most effective "button" that I and his workers have used with him at home cause now he KNOWS that following directions is part of the deal. I have had to have him practice "nice hands" and "nice voice" a lot.. have FLOODED the kid with this so that he has the skill. Not alway successful , but he is better and this has been a way to teach Gabe physical self discpline.. which he needs.
Sorry hope this makes sense.. alas and alack I think I've forgotten how to post!!
Discpline is SO hard.. much harder really on the parent than on the kid because sometimes you have to take away something that is hard to do .. and right now I am working on thinking of GOOD rewards and GOOD consequences for him that will have real meaning for him outside of his usual range.
Lots of hard times for me on this one so you have ALL my sympathy!!

[CC]

OMG is that DEBI I see ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

OMG girl where the heck have you been and how are you ALL??

You have been missed more then you will ever know girl

YEA

WELCOME BACK DEBI ;D

Jessie girl, I agree they need to learn but if Jason is anything like Chris you have to do the discipline right there on the spot, during the bad behavior for him to get it, KWIM??

You said "Suggestions???" My suggestion is Jason should be dealt with right there and then when the behavior is going on not hours later at home. Just my thoughts

Good Luck

CC ~

[Jessie]

Well, gee, wish I would have had time to read the responses before he got home yesterday!

You guys brought up so many important points that I do appreciate.

Connie, you hit the nail on the head with this comment as this is exactly the situation with the aide that was involved yesterday. I think Jason is actually her favorite in the class but she really tries to control him.

I know Collin has one aid that gives him fits and she loves him dearly but she can be over bearing and in his face and he resents it and lashes out at times.

His teacher didn't know why the cars were out there - someone else had mistakenly left them out. I don't have any idea what these cars are . . . he had a red mark on his back from the handle bar on the car so it's not just a little car apparently (like a matchbox).

As far as punishing him twice, I think if he were a typical kid there would be no question there would be additional punishment when he got home from school. Why should it be different for Jason? With that being said, if he didn't understand or remember then it would be fruitless to discipline him for something that happened earlier in the day. Based on his reaction when we talked to him, he knew what was going on.

MB, you are right on with this comment:

1. Intervention. Aide in his face. A fourteen-year-old boy should not have an adult in his space. He is asserting his independence. If he could communicate, he would tell her to shutup and get out of his face. He would still be in big trouble, but telling someone to shutup is a heck of a lot different than physical violence.

I think everyone in his life needs to see that Jason is changing and therefore WE have to change the way we handle things with him. He's not the little guy that we can physically redirect anymore. He's a big teenager physically and with attitude that can't verbally fire back - he's going to get physical if anyone gets physical with him.

So, the punishment last night was that his t.v. was taken out of his room after Brian talked to him about what happened. I agree, taking the dog isn't fair and Brian doesn't like taking the dog away from him. We look at Toby as Jason's only true pal in the world and it wouldn't be fair to take him after having the kind of day he had. He needed to feel he had a soft place to land.

I have a call into his teacher to see how things are going today and will request a meeting with her and the two aides. We would like to discuss ideas with them about how situations like this can be avoided. I don't want to tell them how to do their jobs and I know it's not the aide's fault what happened, but it did bring to light the fact that we need to reassess how we are dealing with Jason when he is being disrespectful or whatever. I don't know which of you alluded to it, but I agree that he is in a transition in his life - he has a young mentality but the interests and physicality of a 14-year old. Must be quite confusing and frustrating for him.

This morning he was in a sullen mood and I told Brian that again, we need to try and understand what could be going through his head . . . embarrassed about what happened? a little scared about seeing the aide today? not knowing for sure if when he gets home he's going to get his t.v. back? We were positive with him this morning and encouraged him to have a great day at school.

Oh - and we did warn him the last time something happened - about a month ago he BIT his classmate! We had a good talking to with him but didn't go further with punishment. This time we really felt he needed to suffer some consequences when he got home. So, he lost the t.v. The rest of the night was very normal, we all went and got ice cream and just went on with life after that.

Here's hoping today goes well!!!

Thank you for your input, I appreciate it.


Jessie

[momofrussell]

See.. you are as bad as me.... technically ice cream probably was a reward but it sounds like something I'd do with Regan.. take something away and go about our business and buy her ice cream... I see that as Regan winning but I do it sometimes! LOL Glad to know I am not alone!

A.

[Jessie]

That thought did cross my mind . . . I justified it by thinking we needed to not dwell on the problem and move on with things. Just an excuse for getting ice cream for myself, perhaps? LOL

Oh - his teacher called back and left a message (I was on a conference call) and she said he is having a GREAT day. Phew.

Jessie

[SuziF]

Jessie...could it be the end of the school year ? Perhaps they're counting how many days are left till vacation & it's seperation anxiety with this special aide ? That could make him hesitant to see the days pass.

Suzi