Heres some tips dealing with death and kids with sp needs. Now this has to do with "sudden death" but the rules still apply to all deaths. Olivia and I usually go to Trader Joes once a week to get flowers for my brothers grave and then I let her send off balloons with notes and pictures she drew for her Uncle Chris who she loved dearly and still does "love". I am so sorry about your grandma.
We had a neighbor who was dying and Liv took a long time to realize she wasn't here anymore after she passed. She would ask her husband for almost a year where "susan was. Thankfully he's a great guy and would explain every time that Susan was gone and in heaven. etc.
OMG JACKIE I can see Olivia doing the SAME EXACT thing. Olivia hates tears and crying and sadness. She either would've been a goof at my brothers funeral trying to make everyone laugh which I never could have handled nor my parents so we chose to have her go to school rather than go to the funeral. She did go to the reception afterwards where she provided some much needed happiness.
About 2-3 times a month I will find her with her head in her hands and I'll ask whats wrong Liv and she'll say I MISS UNCLE CHRIS..... Thats usually when we go to the lagoon and use the remote controlled boat he got my kids or send baloons up to him.
(((HUGS))) steff
Children with special needs or circumstances
Children with special needs or circumstances react to sudden death according to their levels of understanding and emotional support. They will recover with care and support. They need simple explanations of death and trauma, and encouragement to talk and ask questions. You may wish to refer to other guidelines which better reflect the level of understanding or behaviours of your child.
Guidelines
It is important to remember that your child is more sensitive to the family’s emotions than they seem. Young children constantly watch the reactions of those around them and will become upset if adults act in ways they don’t understand.
Immediate needs
Young children need to feel safe – immediately after a sudden death and in the long term. Avoid unnecessary separations, give affection, and reassure your child that they are safe.
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Have consistent routines at home, in pre-school, or for playgroups.
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Return to daily routines quickly.
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Avoid unnecessary separations – where separations are necessary they should be planned and predictable for your child.
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Give hugs and cuddles emotional reassurance.
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Have a safety routine for your child (checking doors and windows at night).
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Take your child’s fears about safety seriously.
Clear communication – younger children need simple explanations about death. Death is best explained to your child as meaning that a person stops moving and thinking. Their hair and fingernails don’t grow and they don’t breathe or feel pain. You need to use your own beliefs to explain that whatever happens to people after death, once a person dies they cannot come back to life. You can teach your child about death directly or by using simple stories.
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Explain the meaning of death as early and immediately as possible, and repeat this explanation when your child needs it.
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Use the families belief systems to explain death
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Use language and ideas you know they will understand – clear and not misleading.
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Be consistent so that your child will not be confused.
Make the loss real – encourage your child to take part in mourning ceremonies (e.g. funerals), and talk to them about what they will see. Don’t hide your feelings or the feelings of others, and be patient when they have questions. Encourage them to do something personal for the person who died with you or the family. Keepsakes of the person who died can be very special.
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Let your child take part in mourning rituals (seeing the person who died, funeral). Tell them what will happen before they go.
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Encourage them to do something for the person who died (putting a drawing, letter, or present for the person who died on the coffin).
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Hold onto keepsakes and photos for your child (they may want to have their own keepsake).
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Do not hide your feelings but remember that strong emotional reactions from adults will upset your child.
Long term needs
Understanding – your child may only want to ask questions on things they are confused about (such as why people cannot come back to life). They may act out what happened though play. This can sometimes upset parents, but is a sign that children are working through confusing or emotional topics. Look through photo albums together and let your child visit the grave.
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Talk about what happened. Your child will ask more questions about things that are confusing.
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Use simple and truthful answers. You may need to repeat these to help them understand.
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You can check what your child understands by asking them to tell you about what they think happened.
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Short talks about what happened are helpful.
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Your child may act out what happened through play – this is normal and helps children understand.
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Visit the grave and other places where your child feels close to the person who died.
Coping with emotions – talk to your child about their feelings. Take their fears seriously. Give them reassurance and affection.
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Take your child’s fears seriously. Talk to them and give them support.
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If your child has guilt feelings, help them see that they are not to blame.
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Remember that it is easier to find out what young children are thinking or feeling by watching them play and asking simple questions.
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Soothe and reassure them that what they are feeling is normal and will get better with time.
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Let them know it is okay to have fun and play.
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Help your children cope in simple ways (through art, storytelling, play).
Let other people know – teachers, carers, and other adults in the community can support your child in returning to normal life outside the home. They can prepare friends and other children, and answer their questions.
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Contact school or pre-school and let them know what has happened.
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Talk to adults in the neighbourhood or community who are important to your child.
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Be prepared for any questions they have.
Get your child back to old routines or make new ones – change and lack of routine upsets young children. They feel safest when they know what to do and what to expect. Young children like predictability in people, places, times, and activities, and benefit from sharing routines with you. Get your child back to old routines or make new ones as soon as possible. Routines should include:
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Bedtime routines: familiar or enjoyable activities leading up to bedtime (stories, brushing teeth)
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Mealtimes planned at same time and place each day
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Return to playgroups or other activities
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Playtime with friends
Deal with reminders – some things will remind your child of the sudden death or build up unpleasant feelings and worries. Make sure your child has regular breaks from things that remind them of what happened and a safe place to go to where they can play or relax.
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Be aware of what things are likely to remind your child of what happened.
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Avoid the ones you can and have a plan to cope with those you have to come in contact with.
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Talk with your child about what they can do to feel okay when they are reminded of what happened.
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Reassure your child that things will get better with time.
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Prepare for anniversaries, birthdays, or special occasions.
Look after yourself – your health and wellbeing is very important to the wellbeing of your child. Accept help from other people, make some time for yourself, and talk about how you feel.
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Accept help from other people
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Be aware that how you feel will affect how your child feels
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Remember that you cannot look after your child without looking after yourself too.
Growing up – your child will understand more about the world as they grow up. They may feel differently about what happened as they understand more. Keepsakes and anniversaries will be special to your child in the future.
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Let your child change how they feel about what happened as they understand more.
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Expect more complicated questions as your child gets older.
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Reassure your child that these changes are normal and won’t last forever.
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Anniversaries, birthdays, and other occasions will have a special meaning in future.
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Be optimistic about the future.
*see adult guidelines in this series
The future
Grief is different for each child, so it is difficult to say much about the future. Sudden death can be shocking, and change a child’s life forever. However, most young children will get through this with time, affection, and the support of their family. The most intense grief and upset will usually be experienced within the first two years. Your child will think about the person who died many times as they grow older. They may have more questions or different feelings about what happened. Consistent routines at home and pre-school are as important as fun and play in helping your child cope and feel safe. Talking, remembering, and sharing feelings with your child will help them understand what has happened.
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