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Post by Renee' on Mar 24, 2008 20:47:46 GMT -5
How would you take it or how would it make you feel?
" I just don't know how you can do what you do with "X" He/She is such a handful. I know if I were in your situation I could never do it. You are such a good mom because you have so many children and I just don't see how you hold it all together."
** X is your child with Down Syndrome
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Post by jelanismom on Mar 24, 2008 21:00:16 GMT -5
Great question...uhm, I'm still thinking about it while I'm typing! I have heard this before from people countless times and I have but "one" child, lol It makes me feel like they are empathizing with me at first, and then it eventually irritates me if I give it time to sink in. If my son didn't have Ds I wonder if those words would even cross their lips? I've heard it all before. And my favorite is "you're such a great mom, I don't know how you do it?" And this is from a mom friend during a play date with her son that also has Ds. So I guess I'd have to consider the source! lol But on the other hand, when jelani was but a little thing just home from the hospital....his grandmother way over in jersey says on the phone "what do you do all day?" I about lost it !!!while I was changing his diaper and adjusting his apnea monitor and 02!!!! grrrrrrrr I know not at all the same thing but just wanted to add this, lol
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Post by Chris too on Mar 24, 2008 21:04:55 GMT -5
I hear this sort of thing all the time - more about the number of kids I have rather than just Stevie's Ds. It never fails to bug me, but I rarely let on. Makes me want to say something like "well, it's a good thing you weren't cursed the way I am, then." But I usually just say something like "the key is to have them one at a time, " or "I'm no supermom - I have to trust God," which really has them puzzled & shuts them up quick. I've found that I don't hear this from strangers so much anymore because I'm sure to always be smiling & having a good time with my kids in public - no room for pity that way.
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Post by Renee' on Mar 24, 2008 21:17:37 GMT -5
Yea Chris, I think people follow our lead with our children. It just stinks when someone you are very close to says those words. It makes me wonder what they are truly implying.
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Post by Kristin on Mar 24, 2008 21:34:41 GMT -5
I think my reaction has to do with who is saying it. One of my best friends has said it to me on more than one occasion. From her it is a complement as she has said that she doesn't think she would have the strength to advocate and keep up on everything including the medical issues. It is her way of supporting me. I think that many people don't know what to say or how to respond so they say it with good intentions. I can't recall a time when I thought it was said insincerely or with the intention of belittling me.
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Post by lespring on Mar 24, 2008 22:09:46 GMT -5
I get this ALL the time! (because Angela IS a handful! LOL and she is child number 5 in our house) My response is usually something to the effect of, "But my alternative is what? When you're raising a child you can't just decide "I can't do this anymore" and walk away. It's your child. You do what you have to do. And you know what? There is always someone who's situation is worse than mine, and THAT parent thinks I have it easy!"
Yes the wording changes depending upon who I'm talking to, but the gist is the same.
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Post by Emilysmom on Mar 24, 2008 22:17:58 GMT -5
I think this might be similar to the way I felt before I had children, when I watched my friends and their kids. Simple things like heading for a trip to the mall with friends and their kids looked so difficult to me!! I'd watch as they packed up the diaper bag, fixed formula.....just in case, bundled the baby and toddler up warmly, put the car seat in the car, etc. I was exhausted just watching them! As much as I wanted children, and planned on having them (as soon as my body would cooperate!!!), there were times when I truly wondered if I could handle the WORK of it all! And then, when my kids began to arrive, I found that it all sort of fell into place and really didn't seem all that difficult........at least not like it had seemed when I was just watching! I have heard the same comment, "how do you do it all" ?? (Not lately........back when my 4 kids were much younger....when Justin was bounching off the walls, Emily was 2 and not walking and Jordan was a newborn) And, most times I think people are trying to be positive....to tell me that they notice that I have my hands full, and that they want to support me. Maybe they are thinking that being the mom of a child with special needs would be tough, and some days it has been tough! I haven't really felt pitied......I'd hate that!
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Post by Googsmom aka Jennifer on Mar 24, 2008 23:04:42 GMT -5
I can think of a time my SIL said this but "x" was more like our work, dealing w/ the apartments, all hubbys stuff he has wrong and all my kids too I spose. She was like "I'd just go nutz" but I just said "I do it cuz i'm the mom" and told her to go back to work cuz i'm the boss! (My SIL is a whole nutty story in herself) If someone said that just about dealing w/ Brookster, I would probally pop off w/ some remark like "Thank goodness it's me and not you then" or "Because I'M Blessed"
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Post by Jessie on Mar 25, 2008 5:23:04 GMT -5
I think it's a pretty harmless statement. People say that to me about Jason because he's my stepson, which does drive me nuts. I really don't think it comes from an evil place when they say it, they just don't walk in my shoes and understand the situation, that's all. When I tell them that it's the same as having any other stepchild, just with a different set of issues to deal with, the usual response is, 'oh I didn't think of it like that' and then we move on to another topic of conversation. When they hear that the two little ones don't sleep, that's when I really get the look of pity!!! LOL Jessie
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Post by damarasmom on Mar 25, 2008 7:42:45 GMT -5
I don't really get upset about this. Actually, like Kristen, I take it as a compliment depending on who says it...and when they say "I don't know how you do it, you are such a good mother" I simply agree and say Thank you for noticing!
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Post by andrewsmom on Mar 25, 2008 8:45:09 GMT -5
I also have had this said to me many times. I agree that it depends on who is saying it....I don't think it's meant to be mean in any way. I always respond by just telling them you do what you have to do. God knows I can handle it.
There was only one comment I recieved that I actually was left speechless (not an easy thing to do to me...lol!). I was in Walmart and this older woman came over. I was trying to get Andrew to sit down in the cart, this particular cart had a broken belt in the front and I hadn't noticed until Andrew started standing up and wouldn't sit back down. As I was struggling to get him to sit down, she tapped me on my shoulder and said "It's ok dear, I have one of THOSE too." to which I replied, "one of what? A cart?" I just couldn't believe someone would be so rude. You think she would have just stopped at this point but ohh no....she just had to go on "The boy. I have one of those too. We gave ours away because he was so hard to deal with... like this (pointing to Andrew still struggling to stand up) He lives out of state now." I was SPEECHLESS! I quickly turned and walked away.
So...after my long winded story here...lol....I don't think people that say things like "I don't know how you do it, you're so good" mean anything bad, I think they just want to give a compliment and connect somehow. Does that make sense?
-Trisha
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Post by Renee' on Mar 25, 2008 8:53:03 GMT -5
I get what all of you are saying. I just wish people would only say "you are a good mom" instead of "wow, there is no way I could do what you are doing. L is such a handful and I could never deal with that. You ARE a good mother!"
Trisha I actually had an elderly woman I only met 2 times ask me why I kept my child. She was concerned for my family and my other children. She continued to tell me that there were good places for children like mine and then I could focus on my normal children. She also informed me it was a burden to my children because when I die they will have to step in. I was shocked. I haven't talked to her since then.
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Post by momofrussell on Mar 25, 2008 8:53:41 GMT -5
Yep, I take it as a compliment and sometimes downplay it... "Oh thanks, but really it's not that big a deal" kinda thing.
We had this conversation on another board....someone with three young kids (all under 5 I do believe, one w/DS is around 3) and she gets these comments..."GOSH you MUST be busy"... and she thinks they are infering that without the DS she wouldn't be. I told her I'd tell her that EVEN without the DS... because 3 under 5yrs would make ME busy TOO! LOL
It's funny how we all "feel" comments differently. Most if not all people mean well, they are trying to connect, make conversation, etc... and it's harmless. We ALL do this but probably don't realize it. Kinda like the person that broke their leg and EVERYONE keeps saying "How did you break it?"... it DOES get old after awhile but it's not like anyone is being mean!
A.
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Post by wrblack on Mar 25, 2008 9:24:01 GMT -5
Nobody ever says that to me. Wonder what I'm doing wrong. -- Bob
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Post by elizabethsmom on Mar 25, 2008 9:36:38 GMT -5
haha -- probably not doing anything wrong...you just make everything look so easy?? :-)
People say it to us also, but I get more of the "wow, you must have it soooo easy! With all the teens at home to help!" :-) And I must admit, my teens are a HUGE help, but, as anyone with older teens know...how often are they really home? haha. Oh well.
I used to get it more frequently actually when my twins were babies and toddlers, when I had 3 under 3! They would say things like, "glad it's you and not me" or "better you than me" to which my husband would always reply "we think so too, thanks!" and walk away. :-)
I'd try to take it as a compliment. I mean geez! Look at Bob! He's a little insulted he DOESN'T hear it! LOL.
Sheryl
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