|
Post by Emilysmom on Apr 23, 2002 23:25:06 GMT -5
Renee: I appreciate so much that you made me THINK about this!! When Emily was born 10 years ago, I read a book that said that 100% of children with Down syndrome have mental retardation. I did not look the term up in a dictionary. I just came to the conclusion that it simply meant that all children with Ds learn more slowly. And, I just assumed that it was true and I was ok with that term because I was convinced that Emily would learn.......and I was ok with the idea that it might be a little slower. In fact, when she was 5 we had an IEP meeting and the school counselor announced that his testing revealed that Emily was "mentally deficient". Now THAT term hit me like a ton of bricks!!! That sounded like there was something dreadfully WRONG with her. (where I work, state inspectors come once a year and if we have done anything WRONG, we get a "deficiency". In my mind, it is something BAD!! ) I insisted that he change it to mentally retarded cause she is a bit slow..........NOT bad!!!!! He said that they had started to use that term because so many parents were opposed to the term "mentally retarded". Go figure!
Anyway....I said all that to say this: The term mentally retarded (or mental retardation) doesn't really bother me. But would I want EMILY to hear someone refer to her like that? NOOOOO!! (and for someone to say someone is a "retard" is a totally different issue!!) It does seem to have a negative connotation to it, and surely there is a better way to describe it!!! Like someone else said.......other terms used to be used (Mongoloid, etc) and they have been replaced by other ones. Maybe in our kids generation, a much BETTER one will be used.
Thanks again for making me think!!! Susan
|
|
|
Post by wendyh on Apr 23, 2002 23:35:02 GMT -5
Ok I'm back and feel I need to say this...as I said in my previous statement I don't try to hide the fact that Matt has Down syndrome but I like to recognize him as a person first with Down syndrome second. Preferably no label at all. I have learned so much since he has been a part of my life and I enjoy educating people on Down syndrome. I guess it's kind of important to me for people to meet him first and then ask questions and make an opinion later. I think that label is what scares and offends people period. I had been reading some other posts and just wanted to add this quick note.. Ok I'm gone now before I get started on Chapter 3 Night
|
|
|
Post by momofrussell on Apr 24, 2002 11:45:37 GMT -5
I personally don't find the words offensive if used properly. If someone was mean towards Russell then I would say something but the term in itself is to describe there "mental" state, so to speak.. I look at it this way, Russell is probably mentally retarded too.. but I don't let it get in the way... it's just a fact.
I was told that there is a test though... some w/DS are considered ALSO mentally retarded while others aren't. One is the medical/genetic disorder and the other is the brain stuff... that's the way I look at it.
I have had a couple friends that say.. Oh that's lame, or retarted.. I don't say anything.. they aren't saying it towards Russell and I don't have time to make everyone in MY world politically correct. I also know from reading posts from you mom's for me NOT to post DS child... instead I put child w/DS.. I do it so I don't offend most of you, but at home I don't watch what order I put it in.. it's not that big a deal to me...
I know I may sound callous towards Russell and his DS and the "words" but I just don't think of it that way. ANY word used in the correct context doesn't usually bother me... even the F word LOLOL!!!!
A.
|
|
|
Post by Radonna on Apr 24, 2002 12:45:40 GMT -5
A. I am too wrapped up in words at home either! When I write about Mental retardation I usually use MR It is the retarded words that has been used in such a negetive way that makes it hard for me to say it when it comes to Kaden. But like you said until I came to Uno Mas I didn't know the difference in Down syndrome child or Child with Down syndrome. Because I spent a few years before I learned this revelation I know that I never put the syndrome before the child in the way I dealt with Kaden. I did get bugged when his Paternal grandma would say "He's a Down syndrome" when referring to Kaden. I do worry about politcal correctness when I post. I do like a few of the PC phrases I have picked up like Chromosome enhanced. I use that one all the time
Wendy, It isn't the resemblence to Mongolian children that makes the Mongoloid word so awful. It is the loid part that mean's idiot. I think that Almond shaped eyes are GORGEOUS, my best friend is Phillipino and her baby pictures resembles the early ones of Kaden when he had dark hair. We get a big kick out of that! AND finally sometimes we need WORDS to explain what we mean. I mean I have found that sometimes I have to use MR to say what I mean. and like A if it is used in the right context it really doesn't offend me. Radonna
|
|
|
Post by Mary_L. on Apr 24, 2002 13:34:06 GMT -5
I am not personally offended by the term mentally retarded when used medically - like others, however, I am upset when I hear the word retard or the phrase "you are so retarded"used. To me it is putting someone down and that is not what retarded is- it just means slow in development. My husband and I always look at each other now when somebody uses it around us. We know that they don't mean to be offensive, because unfortunately it has become part of everyday language, but having a son who is mentally retarded or developmentally delayed or however you want to say it, it does become offensive. Hopefully we can educate a few people and perhaps even change their habits. It is interesting to see how things in my world have changed since Patrick was born - things that I would not have given a second thought to before now stick out like a sore thumb. I try not to be overly sensitive about things and keep them in perspective. It is so interesting to see everyone's views on this topic - I love how we can all come here and express ourselves and see how other people feel! ;D
|
|
|
Post by Renee' on Apr 24, 2002 14:51:55 GMT -5
Ok, After reading my inital post and all your thoughts I just wanted to come back and say this... I don't want you to think I go around offended by people using the words Mentally retarded. And I don't go around correcting people to make them speak of Lauren in a politically correct way. I always take an oppritunity that comes my way to educate people in a loving way about Lauren and Down Syndrome.
My point was that a parent got on the BB and used the phrase. It was a little shocking to me the way it was presented and I got angry so I posted my question. None of you have offended me when you say it is ok to use. I know (and I am not in denial)that Lauren is slower or "retarded" when it comes to learning.
At times I am not good at expressing myself so I hope you all understand why I asked this...I appreciate you sharing with me....
|
|
|
Post by AnnieM on Apr 24, 2002 17:36:04 GMT -5
Renee, I have to say that I think this is a good topic to bring up I have enjoyed reading everyones thoughts on this!! Annie
|
|
|
Post by Annie S on Apr 24, 2002 19:52:42 GMT -5
A ...just wanted to add somtimes I think we get alittle into such things or other words sometimes we need to lighten up and not let every little thing get to us...and just enjoy and laugh as much a possible.I.Really enjoy your light heartedness you do make me smile .... ;D.. I guess somtimes I have heard this word negativally so often I sometimes cringe..I.Always try and look at what he his able to do and not put so much what he can't do...Thanks all for some great comments Annie
|
|
|
Post by momofrussell on Apr 25, 2002 13:42:18 GMT -5
LOL thanks AnnieS I like to stay light hearted.. Life is not that serious... BUT.. you should see me right at the moment!!! LOLOL Between Russell and his eyes, and his IEP next week, I am NOT light hearted.. I still try and laugh a little at what I can but right now I am in a SERIOUS mood... TOO serious... can't wait for the IEP to pass... I guess that is why I don't let words get me so much, there are other things like IEP's and Russell being WAY behind that I think about LOL. Renee A... no misunderstanding.. I, too, thought it was GREAT you started the topic! If someone was out of line, Kudos for you to stand up for yourself. Whether others think right or wrong, you have the courage TO stand up for what YOU think!!! Some aren't as at ease with that... GOOD FOR YOU! And I think we all had a great time sharing how we felt! A.
|
|
|
Post by Renee' on Apr 25, 2002 14:49:15 GMT -5
Hey A! Thank you for saying that to me...I get a little worried when I open my mouth at times that I might be offensive to others. I have an opinion on everything! Just as my DH Chris..hehe
It has been truly great to read what you all thought. I hope Russels IEP goes well..those can be tough! Keep us updated!
You all are wonderful to me!!!
Hugs Renee'
|
|
|
Post by Katie_B on Apr 25, 2002 15:47:28 GMT -5
My daughter is 6 weeks old and ever since she was born i get an uncomfortable surge of adrenaline when i hear the word retarted. Regardless of how it's used I don't like it.
|
|
TriciaC
mom to Jonathan (20 yrs)
Posts: 2
|
Post by TriciaC on Apr 25, 2002 15:57:45 GMT -5
I hate any word that puts a label on anyone. My son is my son. When people ask what is wrong, I explain that he has ds and than the "I'm sorry" comes in and I tell them don't be - I'm not. Jonathan has been the greatest gift and has continued to give me unconditional love no matter what. How many people can truly say that except for us. Our kids give love without expectations of return. I see our kids as just kids. Oh well I know i am rambling.
|
|
|
Post by momofrussell on Apr 25, 2002 16:20:03 GMT -5
Renee A - Don't worry about being oppinionated, we ALL are... I am a, silly but to the point kind of gal, I can be crass at times I shouldn't be and I am VERY sarcastic in my postings... HEEHEE! I belong to another DS club/group thingy elsewhere and I am worse there.. I am NOT shy You and I will do just fine together don't ya think! A.
|
|
|
Post by hollyho on Apr 26, 2002 20:39:31 GMT -5
I think the MR discussion comes up periodically and it is always a good one to get us talking. What offends one rolls off the shoulders of another. I get upset not with the labels but with the contexts of how the words are being used. My daughter knows that the word "stupid" is not allowed in our house. Neither is "shut up." It is all about treating each other with respect. Now, if I am talking to someone about DS or about Jake and his learning, I may say that with DS comes some level of MR, no one knows just how much with any given child. I also like to point out the learning process and how it takes our children longer to process things sometimes. If the person is interested and asking questions, I use it as an educational opportunity. If someone said something mean and spiteful about my cutie, then all heck would break out. I can be an angel about things but I can also be a witch. Ignorance in regard to people who are different gets me going. I have no problem putting people in their place when they are out of line, as long as I know they are saying things to hurt someone. If it is just "not being educated in the politically correct jargon" then I can be gentle but also get my point across. I also try not to take things personally. Thanks Renee for getting a great topic going! Holly
|
|
|
Post by Michelle Mc on Apr 27, 2002 1:22:38 GMT -5
Oh man! I just posted a huge long rant about the word retard ... when I clicked "post" ... it said my message was too long and to go back and shorten it. When I clicked back... IT WAS GONE!!
Lucky (or un- lucky for you) I remembered to highlight and copy it before I clicked save.
This is obviously a very hot topic and I'm glad so many replied , I cringed a little bit when I first read the subject line and thought it might be a mean post.
When I read a little further, I remembered how much it really used to bother me to hear people refer to things as "so retarded." (Especially teenage girls. Have you noticed that?) The first few years after Casey was born it seemed like I heard people use that figure of speech ALL THE TIME. I wished they would think about who they were talking to and how the term might sting.
12 years later, I have a much softer , more forgiving view than I did back then.
My feelings were very raw the first few years. I got upset often at thoughtless things people said . I'm sure they really didn't mean to be unkind or hurtful. And that term "retard" really made me cringe. every time I heard it. And suddenly, I seemed to hear it ALOT!
One time, a co-worker referred to a stop light as "retarded" because they thought it was malfunctioning and making them wait too long when there was no-one waiting in the other direction. She kept using the word over and over again. I couldn't believe she would catch herself and realize what she was saying and apologize. But the story just seemed to go on forever with that word, that word that word! I felt like crying.
I can't remember how old Casey was when I heard a call to Dr Laura Schlesinger's radio program that infuriated me. He might have been 2 years old, when a grown woman with a brother with Ds called in and asked if she should tell her good friend how much it hurt her feelings when the friend referred to irritating things as "retarded." over and over again.
It upset me when Dr Laura told the woman to let it go and say nothing. That the friend was just using a figure of speech .. "Get over it. " This really bugged me. I called, faxed and snail-mailed Dr Laura saying she was wrong. If it's a just figure of speech, it shouldn't be! People should stop using it to refer to irritating or exasperating things. They need to realize how it feels like to be on the receiving end of that "harmless reference." It's not harmless if it's hurting peoples feelings.
She never responded in anyway. I usually like her point of view, but she disappointed me that time. I thought it was a chance for her to remind people to think twice about using that term so loosely. It was an oportunity to educate people and she dropped the ball. Anyway, since then my views on this have softened.
People say odd things sometimes that are not meant to be mean or hurtful. Sometimes people put their foot in their mouth and either don't realize it ... or they realize after the fact and don't know how or what to say to take it back.
The use of the word is just plain thoughtless. It's a bad habit that they need to learn to break.
Sometimes now when someone uses it, I actually make a tiny cringing gesture with my face or say "ouch." and let it go. Usually it gets the message across without any confrontation or embarrassment. I hope that the next time they find themselves saying it, they'll remember that it might be offending someone.
I read a Dear Abby column where a lady whose mother was suffering from Alzheimer's wrote to say how much it hurt her when people in her office joked about "must be getting Alzheimers" every time they forgot something, or couldn't find their keys. She said it wounded her to hear people laugh about it, when her family was devasted by the loss of their mother. That was a lesson for me, because I used to make that same comment all the time! It never occured to me that someone in the room might be going through it for real, and that harmless comment could really be so mean. I never joke about it anymore.
This exactly the same thing!
|
|