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Post by shannon on Apr 27, 2002 7:38:43 GMT -5
I find it so odd that this posting was here just few days before I had a BAD experience with a stranger on this same subject! Jamie and I were at Walgreen's getting his formula and the woman behind us in line was talking to Jamie and playing with his hands. Jamie, of course, was hamming it up, smiling, flirting, generally being cute, when the woman asked me how old he was. When I told her he was nine months old she said, "Wow! He's tiny!" I explained that he has a heart condition and that he also has DS which tends to make him smaller. And that's when it happened...... The woman who was just telling my son how sweet he was jerked her hand away from him andsays to me, "Well, he doesn't LOOK retarded!" My head jerked around and I stared at her, even the check out girl stopped what she was doing. Without even thinking, I threw back, "Yeah, well you didn't either when I first came up on you!" I gathered my things and stormed out. When I got home, I told my husband about it, who commented that he was surprised he wasn't collecting bail money at the moment but then also reminded me that we didn't ALWAYS have a child with DS and that we may have made the same mistake before Jamie. Good point but I doubt it. I guess I'm not very good at handling people that use this phrase so casually. A nurse in Jamie's PICU room kept talking to another nurse about how "retarded" some doctor's orders were as she was changing my son! About the third time she said it, I spoke up and said, "You might want to find another description to use when you working with a child with Down syndrome, especially when his mother is four feet from you." Some people just don't think!!
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Post by momofrussell on Apr 27, 2002 9:01:58 GMT -5
Michelle MC made me think of something I wanted to share.... Although I don't get offended if my friend's mis-use the word retarded (only a couple of my friend's have) we don't use it here ourselves... it's in that Stupid and Dumb catagory.. Now, I HAVE used those words but DON'T make it a practice of it in my life with children in my house. I think I get MOST grated at the term STUPID more than RETARDED for some reason. When you come to my house, don't expect to use that here LOL! At my last job LOTS of the guys would use it and my boss's husband.. I'd, in my sarcastic funny way, give them a hard time.. they would in return do it back to me on purpose, it was on in fun... they GOT my point and I KNEW I couldn't change their words... BUT... it got some of them thinking... because I would tell them we don't SAY that in my house.. we use SILLY instead... silly can go either way, won't break a child's spirit like STUPID does and just sounds better. My boss's daughter that worked there didn't have kids yet but went home and was telling her husband my "therory" and what we don't do at home with those words... HE and SHE AGREED!!! They decided THEY weren't going to use them either when they had kids... Made me proud... They all thought I was the STRANGEST bird there sometimes, was one of their best workers, mind was in the gutter 24/7 but DON'T use the word STUPID!! LMAO! A.
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Post by Monique on Apr 27, 2002 23:10:55 GMT -5
Shannon, I thought that was the best comeback you said to that women and to the nurses!! More power to you!! You just keep up the crusade and maybe eventually we can get everyone straightened out. Monique
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Post by ShawnS on May 17, 2004 16:35:07 GMT -5
I have to say the term "mentally retarded" does not bother me. But if someone was to refer to Ryan that way maybe I would be offended. Catch 22. I feel that it is ok for people to use the term if it is being used correctly. To call someone a retard is just plain ignorant! I would be devestated if someone refferred to Ryan in that way. It sarts with us! We need to teach our "typical" children tolerance and not stand for trash talk like that. I personnally dont allow the word "retard" in my house. If I hear one of the neighbor kids say it , bye-bye. I do explain that the word is cruel and mean and send them on their way. Thanks, ShawnS
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Post by Alice on May 17, 2004 18:17:07 GMT -5
For the last 4 years I learn how to block my ears and do not hear when people say mean things about Luke. I hear only good words about him. Actually "Mentally Retarded" is med. term and I do not see anything offensive about it.
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Post by samanthajosmom_12 on May 17, 2004 21:26:44 GMT -5
hearing that term bothers me. i know that people do use it as a medical term. i aslo grew up with hearing people calling people that name out of hate and anger. well i grew up beening called that name. I was slower than other kids in school and i was in a specail education class for most of my elmentry school. it hurt me to be called that. well alot of the kids that called me that are not doing well in there lifes,problems and cannot keep jobs. i just do not like that term. i feel for samantha when she gets older ,there are going to be cruel people out there who might judge her . i want everyone to be kind to each other. sue
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Post by meghans_mom on May 17, 2004 22:22:20 GMT -5
As a descriptive (ie- medical term) MR doesn't bother me too much...although the first time I read one of Meghan's reports and it said something like "functioning in the range of mental retardation"...I have to say that just about killed me. Just to see it in print and in reference to my beautiful daughter. But, I'm better about it now - and understand it is a medical reference and unfortuntely a neccesity. The "R" word however, that I just hate. I have a family member who uses it regularly..and who's son now uses it regularly (thankfully I don't see them all that often) but I haven't had the guts to say anything about it *yet*. (i only see them once a year, if that). My SIL and friends have said it a few times in conversation w/ me but caught themselves...however I think I might steal Michelle Mc's comment of "ouch" just to tactfully get my point across. Sometimes it's just not a good place or time to teach someone... I hate that it's so easily thrown around -- although I know I was totally guilty of the same thing before Meghan. And I don't think it's something one thinks about..unfortunately, and I wish there was a way to change it. But the word is so prevalent - in movies, on talk radio, books, music.... I'm not the best at explaining this to people - like the kids I work w/ at the drugstore...I try to be non-confrontational because if I say something, I'm afraid I'll either cry or sound like a madman. I'm so sorry for some of the situations some of you have encountered...some people are just SOOOOOOO un-smart :-D thanks for starting this topic and for y'all sharing your thoughts and experiences. laurie
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Post by Kristin on May 17, 2004 22:30:36 GMT -5
When people misuse a term, like "mongoliod" I prefer to use it as a chance to educate them. Many people don't realize how offensive the terminology is. As far as mentally retarded goes...it depends on the context. If it is used correctly and medically, that's okay. I teach high school and when my students refer to each other as "retards" I use the opportunity to talk with them about what the term actually means. We also discuss why the use of the term is offensive. I once had an urgent care pediatrician refer to my daughter with DS as a deformity. I quickly corrected him, and told my pediatrician and everyone else in town to avoid him. Any MD treating my child, who refers to her as a deformity, does not know enough medicine to suit me! That is about the worst case of misusing terms I have had contact with. Most of the time, especially with my mom's generation, it is a matter of educating people as to how to correctly address people with disabilities. After all, I had to quickly learn the correct or nonoffensive way to discuss Clarice's delays with friends, so that I would become a model for them.
Kristin, mother of Clarice, age 5 DS, and Marcelline 17 mos.
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Post by lindy on May 18, 2004 8:00:38 GMT -5
The term "mentally retarded" doesn't bother me, unless someone is using it in a bad way. People took a medical term and turned it into a derogatory term and that bothers me.
A few weekends ago we were at a company yard sale and there was a lady there... talking about how cute Jenna was and stuff. Then she said her cousin was a mongoloid too. I was so shocked. I never ever expected anyone to say something like that. I said that that term was no longer used to describe children with down syndrome. It is offensive. She asked me what I call it instead and I told her Down syndrome. She said that sounded too technical, and I told her if she wanted too be real technical call it trisomy 21. Better yet don't call it anything. Call her a beautiful 3 year old and leave it at that.
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Post by didmyheartgood on May 18, 2004 12:39:50 GMT -5
I was just lurking, but after reading all of these posts I felt I had to put my 2 cents in as well. Using the term mental retardation does not bother me when used in reference to the delays associated with DS. Someone referring to my son as a "retard" would do just the opposite..it would bother me greatly. Probably to the point that they would wish they hadn't. I normally use the term developmentally delayed in meetings with teachers, therapists etc... To anyone else, I refer to him as Brace. Period. Something that I have to respond to is the post made by Wendy. I had an experience where Brace was called a "mongoloid" to my face by a RN. Brace had bitten his twin brother, Cade, and it had left a mark. When she saw the mark, she asked me who had bitten him. When I told her "Brace bit him." Her reply was "mongoloids are known to bite." I almost hit the roof.......... It is my opinion that anyone that uses the term "mongoloid" in reference to our children, needs some continuing education courses. Especially those in a position to be working with our children. It shows ignorance. It is not a insult to the people of Mongolia...they are given their facial characteristics based on heredity, not an extra chromosone. Showing simalarities does not make it the same. There are no defining characteristics that "lump" all Americans in together, as in Mongolia.I would find it hard to find offense with someone who didn't want to "look" American or caucasian, etc.. etc...because what exactly does one look like? I personally, was very offended by this nurses words. She knows she offended me too. I made it a point to tell her. Maybe she will think about her words before she labels the next child that is under her care. Just my opinion.........Kim
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Post by shellk on May 18, 2004 19:16:29 GMT -5
I am not up to par on the PC terminology...I do know that My child learns at a slower pace than her peers..But, the phrase Mentally Retarded used to offend me to the point where NO ONE I knew would use the phrase around me or they knew I would blow my top..Now that Kourtney is 5 and I have had my fair share of explaining things to people in general and family and friends I find that I look at it as there ignorance..For example my neighbor out back is a wonderful girl with low intelligence..she has told my about 50 times in the last 3 years that she really feels that Kourtney is growing right out of her DS..I have explained to this girl numerous times that there no growing out of it. My ex-boss used to walk around the office all the time (the owner of the company) and he would look at people and say "come on retards let's get to work" Well, that landed me in his office one afternoon, explaining to him about my daughter whom happens to be mentally delayed..I told him what would happen if he got into his car and drove out of the parking lot and someone side swiped him and all of a sudden he woke up retarded? He could not answer my ?? I just explained to him that I was never raised to bad talk someone who is not capable of certain things and I would appreciate it if he not use that "term" so loosely. Well, hee stopped thank g-d. I do get ticked off sometimes when I hear people just picking on each other like slapping there hand on there chest and saying "Your a retard"..I have called a few kids to the front line over that at my older daughters bus stop...I have mixed emotions over it sometimes..I just am not the type to pick at others and cannot tolerate people picking at one of my own...Hope that makes sense....
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Post by amyzimoski on May 19, 2004 16:26:27 GMT -5
ok-I feel that the majority of people who use that term are just lacking in information. I try not to be offended by those words but unfortunatly I hear them often along with Mongloid. We live out in the country and for some reason quite a few people still refer to children with DS as Mongloids or mentally retarded. I feel that they use this term in ignorance. You can count on the fact that I give them a quick lesson on what DS is and that our children are just slower than theirs. As far as those words being used in a medical description...well that one offends me more. The fact that a informed person is still using it makes me wonder a bit as to just how informed they are. Ignorance can be corrected by learning but stupidity can not be changed. thanks for listening Amy
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Post by jennanne on May 20, 2004 8:41:16 GMT -5
I personally don't take offense or think that it offensive to use the term "mentally retarded". My son's class at school is called"trainable mentally handicapped". I just don't see the difference. It's just a play on words really,IMHO. I think it's hard to keep up on the ever changing PC lingo so I'm not going to verbally beat someone up on their word choice. My son is almost 7 years old and has an IQ of 30(acts as though he is in the 1- 1 1/2 yr. old range) so to say he just "slow" really is not accurate. When asked about my son son, I say he has DS. When asked what does that mean I say he has an extra chromosome that makes him look different and act different but he's a great child in his own special way. I think that it is always very important to remind people that our children are human beings that deserve the same condsideration and respect as any other human being on this planet. Maybe even a little more because of their disability.
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Post by Alice on May 20, 2004 9:15:03 GMT -5
Jennanne, A little bit more because they have extra thing in them. Just wanted to add.... Alice
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Post by rickismom on May 20, 2004 17:24:45 GMT -5
Gosh O Gollies- at first I was afraid that I had offened someone, but apparently it wasn't me. Personally, when used correctly, medically, MR doesn't bother me. What does bother me is when it is used as a derogitory label, or as the tool to group our children together when there is no basis. [ie, "Many kids with DS have heart problems, and nearly all are MR" is ok... but "Oh, well MR kids aren't expected to ..." Is not. I think that on occaision we need a term- and allthough new "more acceptable" ones are constantly being developed ("retard" became MR- became "mentally handicapped" became "specially challenged" ---- ad invinitum)-- as soon as everyone understands the meaning, that "It would never happen to my kid " tone, and the snear, come in, and the new term is also bad.... What is needed is educating the public, but it takes time. I don't like it when anyone uses "retarded" for someone behaving badly or silly----it is a real insult.
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