Would you be upset???

[Renee']

Ok long story short....
A lady we hardly know told my husband she was concerned for my two daughters. She asked if we had ever considered putting Lauren in a home for "people who are just like her"
This lady is 80 so I know that is what they did back then and everyone keeps telling me that she means no harm but can someone that really knows nothing about our family really think it is ok to suggest that we send our 8 year old to a home?

I think I must be on edge lately because then we go to the mall. Lauren, my mom and I are out and I swear people are looking at her like she has a third eye. Parents let their children just stare. I was almost to the point where I was going to say it isn't nice to stare you should just say hi. She likes to talk...

Sigh, I guess I need to relax

[lespring]

Angela has a shirt that says, "I know I'm perfect NOW STOP STARING!!!!" I have been known to make sure it's straight and highly visible when I notice someone looking too long.

Yes, I would be upset, even if the person is very old. I hate when people feel they have the right to A) Ask very personal questions of perfect strangers or B) give suggestions to people or situations they know nothing about.

I'm sorry, I must be crabby tonight as well, because I probably would have said something like, "Well, perhaps you should have been put into one of "those homes" so nobody would have had to deal with YOU?"

Horribly snotty, I know. (see, it's my mood!)

When Angela was getting ready for her first major surgery (she was 11 months old) my father in law called when he knew my husband wasn't home. "You know, it's not fair to the boys to have all this attention go to her. I know a family who has a son with problems and they never go anywhere together. They even have to alternate the weekends they attend church. There are places for kids like her so the boys can have their parents back."

AFTER I told him where he could shove various body parts, and how I knew God was going to do something with his heart (the emotional part, not the physical) because clearly it needed some work, I didn't speak to him for MONTHS!!!!

Interestingly, all the grandkids were always afraid of him. He was a big guy with this huge booming voice and he scared the crap out of little kids. But not Angela. She was facinated by him!!!! She quickly became his favorite grandchild, and she quickly wrapped him around her little fingers and toes. Here's a picture of them when Angela was 2.

Charlie died 2 1/2 years ago of a sudden heart attack, and Angela still talks about him once in awhile.

[momofrussell]

I find the very elderly crowd says some "off" things but they mean well. They really do. I usually just smile and don't take offense to it. They lived in a totally different time and they have a hard time understanding that times HAVE changed. Maybe through you she will realize that your daughter is a wonderful addition to YOUR lives and not some "home". I think they were all "brainwashed" in a way to think our children would be a burden.. they took those thoughts with them and never had the experiences to know they AREN'T a burden. Sounds like "granny" just doesn't know better

As Russell has gotten older he gets quite a few stares. I personally just don't let it bother me. Kids are kids.. they are curious creatures who like things the same and want to know why some child is "different". That's all. And yes, most don't have parents that teach them good manners and staring/pointing is not cool Sometimes when we get stares and if I can make eye contact with the child and they stop... I can try to facilitate a conversation with the child to see what they are curious about. I am curious at what they are staring about and I want to know! LOL

Hugs.... a glass of wine is always good for edgy days.

A.

[Chris too]

These kinds of situations are always a quandry for me. On the one hand I feel sorry for the person who hasn't had the chance, like Leah's fil (Charlie), to get wrapped around the finger of a child with Ds - hasn't had the chance to learn the value of such a life. How sad for them. On the other hand, people will behave exactly the way that they are allowed to behave by society at large. If people do not speak up - verbally smack their hand - then they will continue to "speak their mind" with impunity, hurting countless others. But then is it my responsibility to educate a perfect stranger? If I can make a difference in some other person's day by doing so, maybe it is.

I think you have to take these situations on a case-by-case basis. Sometimes you will just smile, sometimes you will have a sharp retort, and sometimes you may utter some heart-changing sweetness that makes that person see people with disabilities in a whole new light. Just try not to let your mood dictate what you do

Chris too

[Chris too]

Oh Leah, I love your stories & the pic is priceless. You told that hard-hearted FIL that God had some work to do on his heart for his attitude toward Angela. And He did. God used Angela as His scalpel for that bit of heart surgery. Gives me chills.

If only all our interactions with this type of ignorance turned out so well...

Chris too

Chris too

[rickismom]

Yeah, once an old lady told Ricki to be carefull not to spill her drink on her (on the bus). Ricki got upset and stuck her tongue out. The lady started on about how rude she was. A mentioned that she doesn't like being stared at. The old lady said "If she's so difficult, lock her up in a home..."
I WAS FLOORED. SPEECHLESS. The lady behind interjected "We don't do things like that anymore"
By this time I'd gotten my voice back: "Over my dead body, lady" (Growl)
I was just floored.....
Now when I see this lady at the bus stop, I keep my distance. I see her start up with others about ALL sorts of things. I think she must be unstable......

[Claire]

Adam being the only child in our small community with Down syndrome, we used to get plenty of the stares. It's like people are watching for a show or something. Also getting things organized or school is quite the battle since he is the first in many years. The youngest one after Adam is a boy and he is 19 years old.
We make a point of having them see Adam and the little person he is. We have him on a soccer team, baseball, and bowling. All with typical children. Of course they are all younger then him but Hey they have fun and that's what counts. Last year he got the Skunk Trophy in Bowling, ;D and he walked up and took it with pride and everyone clapped they hands and cheered like they did for any other child there. We have had nasty uneducated people say things but most have been good.
At the supermarket one day an older lady went beside my husband who had Adam sitting in the shopping cart and took Adam's hand and said
" It's such a pity, such a beautiful child"
My husband replied before I could " Such a pity I agree that he has red hair ,we were hoping for blond."
But now everyone in town knows Adam, so it isn't too much of a big deal. The cashier at that same supermarket actually lets Adam go behind the counter and help her pass the objects through the line up.
I think we should always take the ignorance and try to educate.
Except of course when they are actually mean to our kids, then a good slap will work too. ;D ;D

[Emilysmom]

I know it's hurtful and it gets SO old having to hear remarks like the one the woman made to your husband, Renee. And I agree.......it's VERY annoying that people feel like it's their place to tell us stuff like that!! (ALMOST like how total strangers feel it's ok to walk up to you when you're pregnant and touch your belly! That happened to me all the time when I was pregnant, but hasn't happened since then!!) But, I tend to be much more patient with older people because of the simple fact that things really WERE done differently in their day. Many old people can't remember what they did an hour ago, but they remember exactly what happened 50 years ago! I'm sure she was thinking she was going to try to "help you" or make life easier on you, if you took her advice. I might have said something like "Oh no........if you really knew our family, you'd know that her younger sisters are LUCKY to have her at home with them". Or "I know that's the way things were done many years ago, and I'm glad Lauren was born at a time when her family can be blessed by spending time with her"!!! I don't know..........something that shows her that your daughters would NOT be better off if Lauren was "in a home" (YUCK to that idea!!!) while not making her feel ashamed/embarrassed.

Susan

[Debbie]

I agree with all of you. Sometimes the senior generation simply come from a different time back when there was not much information for people. My Aunt Ruth and both of my Grandmother's thought I couldn't do much for myself until they saw me cooking and doing things for myself. This changed their perception of me.

It must be hard to see other people stare at your child. That is not right at all but it will happen from time to time. I have been stared more than several times. I think it was because of my eyes though. They move frequently. I call it Rapid Eye but is really called by anther name.

[Deannalee]

I would be upset also. I have actually asked people to stop staring at Justin....because he is a little boy...not some mutant with 10 heads. Some days are better than others for me....maybe the PMS brings out the "protective Mom Syndrome"....lmao!!!

Deanan

[twosomy21]

i always try to take the kids places aside from movies,amusment parks. we go to the market and have our routine kyle is great he is very involved in the exp. but going places with no stares just would not be the same. i want people to notice us and say "look at that" because you know they are really thinking "i thought those kids were non functional ext...." i think people stare because they are curiose (SP) but i am sure of one thing- the gap will get closer,the more the general public is exposed to our kids(my children who are typical will stare at a ds child for a different reason than in ignorance)

[danikins]

I think my ex husband is bad about this. I believe he is still in denial. He has to SELL his family on the idea that Dani will live a completely normal life in her own apartment, have a job and be independent. It is almost like if he does not tell them that, then she will not be accepted because she will not be typically developing or perfect like the other grandkids. It used to make me scream when he would say to them she is normal just like every other child and she will have her own busines one day.

Great dreams--hope they come true. But his family had to be sold on DS. He did not educate them but rather painted a scenario to them that Dani will grow up to be like any other child.

I hope and wish the best for Dani, but I want her to find the things that makes her happy and gives her a feeling of accomplishment. The future is so unknown that I just take it one day at a time and love on her all the time.

Okay....I digress.

But yes, it bothers me when people stare at Dani. I just make sure I catch their eyes and stare back and then give Dani big, kisses, hugs and high fives or pound its.

I am so glad Grandpa came around. You go grandpa. My parents are deceased but would be totally gaga over her. My mom wanted to adopt a young girl who was a ward of the state and mentally challenged. Unfortunately, my mom developed brain cancer and died and my dad just loved all kids. I sure miss them for her.

Kim
[glow=red,2,300]Dani- I will love you forever and ever[/glow]

[eagle602]

Hi I am new to the site(I have not been back for years) but I know how you feel when I had my daughter Sarah (now 13) about 12 that night I woke up and realized I haven;t nursed her for hours(we did not know she has DS. at that time). I called the nurse who was older and she came down sat on my bed and told me that I should not try nursing her and I shouldn't get attached to her. I had my daughter by c section that morning and she weighed 8 lbs 13 oz and was healthily. So I had no idea what she was talking about . She went on to tell me that she will never do anything and that I should put her away now. I was on the phone with the doctors my husband and everyone else at the hospital. Needless to say my daughter is with me and doing great and that nurse never had a chance to say that to another special mom. The point of me telling this story is people staring will not make a difference in a couple of minutes. Love your daughter and her sisters will grow up to be Strong,well rounded adults. Unlike some of the people we will run in to along the way.

[Alice]

Renee,
I would be upset. It is not others people business where we put our children.
I've noticed that old women do not like children with DS.
Oh, well...
Do not pay attention to some idiots who probably needs to be placed in safe places with people like them.
LOL