Hate to tell, but need help....

[Kristi]

Cody has been playing with this little boy for over a year now. They always ask if he can always come over and play. Well, they got into it last month and now they don't want Cody over there. Well, as you know kids fight and then 10 minutes later they forget all about it. Well, Cody kept going over there so they called the police on him one day. Thats not the only one they called. They also called DCFS. Well, they did their investigation and she said she talked to her superviser and since Cody has DS she has to indicate us. She says he can't go out without an adult. She says someone told her that he was seen on his bike. I was right behind him though. So I guess the one thing he has accomplished I have to take away from him. He has become very defiant now. She also called and wanted me to talk to his teacher about discipline. Well, Cody's teacher called yesterday for me to come to get him because he ran out into the woods and it took 3 of him to drag him back. He has bruises on his arm from this.....oops, class starting will be back to finish....

[Kristi]

ok, well, he had bruises from them getting him in, I went and documented it . I am just wondering how I am to go 5 years without him wondering off on me. The teacher and her 3 aids couldn't do it. The teacher was like, now I know what your day is like. Well, Cody isn't usually this defiant but he has had all of his independence stripped from him and he is acting out. We have lived in this neighborhood for 5 years and Cody knows his boundaries.... class is over, be back...lol.

[carolyn]

Have you access to a behavior psychologist or expert? Our intermediate district has a great lady to help with just these type of issues, and will go into the classroom to help the teacher with implementing new management techniques. you are right to say this kid is mad- who wouldn't be? He needs an appropriate way to express his anger and accept what has changed. By the way, the neighbors reaction seems pretty harsh.

Carolyn

[MB]

Please contact your local Down syndrome association for support. You might also want to contact Families Together in your state for legal advice. Call the largest law firm in your area. Ask for the managing partner. Once you have this person on the phone, ask if he/she will provide pro-bono legal services to help sort this mess out.

There are many things that can be done to correct the kind of behavior you describe.

Good luck,

mb

[Pat]

Gee, If I were a kid & did not understand why it's not over, & had more forgiveness in my heart then the other family put together. Then I was being punished (freedoms taken away) for something thats over, in my mind. I might act out too!! It woud not require a behavior specialist to figure that out either.
I'm not saying it's not a good idea as now there are the WRONG people involved, DCFS, for a kids fight. Honest to Pete! The DCFS couldn't see that 2 kids fight. They have nothing better to do with their time.You'd think they'd be more worried about the bruises I'd get legal help too.
:'(Sorry you have to go through this ((Hugs))
Pat

[Jessie]

Newsflash - it's 2005 and they get to live in our society with us. Sounds like there are still many, many people out there that haven't got the memo that we don't lock up our kids with Ds and throw away the key anymore . . .

My gosh, isn't DCFS busy enough without having to get caught up in issues like this? The neighbors just sound ignorant in their understanding of a child with a disability so I wouldn't worry too much about them - we can't change everyone.

I would be extremely concerned with the bruising issue from school - sounds like they had to handle him pretty rough. Jason has run off at school before (found the hole in the fence) and even though we were so worried about what could have happened - we did get a pretty good chuckle at the thought of the middle-aged aides and teacher running after him. LOL

Has his school never had to deal with a child that has taken off? I find it hard to believe they haven't, especially if he is with any other special ed kids. At Jason's school they know who their "Houdinis" are and that they have to keep a closer eye on them. The world does not end when they have to deal with this issue.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Keep us posted.

Jessie

[Chester]

Bruises.....from school.....no way, no how.

Things just aren't adding up with the neighbor....they called the police?! Sounds like they over react?!

Hope you can get things worked out soon!
Dawn

[CC]

YIKES

Hmmm just wondering here since you say Cody knows his boundaries and as sad as this is, can you explain to him if he wants to ride his bike he just can't go over to the other boys house. Would he understand that??

Sounds a bit extreme to me your neighbors reaction and hope you don't mind me asking but was it a fight like little kids will do?? You know like calling names and such or was it an actual physical fight between the two?? I could be way off BUT being they invited Cody over lots of times it truly doesn't sound like its an anti DS issue.

Hmmmm 3 grown adults to bring Cody back. Doesn't sound like the Teach has much control, I certainly would consider getting all the adults in that class some Behavior Management Training so that when they speak to Cody and tell him to walk back to class he listens and does just that, KWIM To be dragged back to class by three adults just seems sooo inappropriate to me

You said "I am just wondering how I am to go 5 years without him wondering off on me" Sorry for all the ?'s but what exactly do you mean by that. Not to be flip but is he under house arrest for the next 5 years or something??

Hey girl let me tell you Chris is 12 and still every now and then decides to take off and not tell anyone He has gotten better BUT no way would I trust him to never do it again

HUGS to you guys

CC

[Kristi]

LOL, at the top it says Cody for sale at e-bay. com, I promise its not MY Cody!!!
Sorry about the segments, internet is off till this weekend so using puter at school.
Thanks for the advice! Was wondering where to go. I am going to appeal this. I feel so defeated also cause its questioning my parenting. I have raised him 11 years without them. This is for inadequate supervision. Cody knows his boundaries and I am always usually right behind him. I did forget to mention though that last year he got in their garage and brought out the chain saw and gas to the boys dad. This is what they told dcfs.
The school thing, he has bruises on his wrist where Eric the aide squeezed too hard. Just makes me mad, I am being judged and have never left a mark on Cody and here is someone they want me to take disciplining lessons off of that has. There was three of them watching him but they expect him never to get away from me. I just am about afraid to let him even go out, keeping him and his sisters in completely. I would die if they ever took my boy away from me, he's my life!! Just really gets to me because I would never let anyone watch Cody, other than my mom, (which I don't like leaving Cody with alot cause he takes off and she is older) because of fear that they might mistreat him and he wouldn't be able to tell me and here I am being judged.
I just feel like its discrimination because she goes, " because he has Down Syndrome, we are going to indicate you." Just a warning if you have wanderers.
ok, know I am jumping around here, guess I am just venting also. Thanks for the advice!
Hugs,
Kristi

[Connie]

Kristi,

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I would really get a Special Needs Atty involved in this.

Hugs,
Connie

[Kristi]

CC,
The neighbor said it was three times they saw Cody riding his bike. One time he did get away and I was right behind him. The other two times, Ron was letting him ride from stop sign to stop sign. From sounds of what the lady said I can't let Cody ride his bike out of the yard. So we just locked it in the garage cause Cody likes riding around the block with his sisters.
It was a physical fight, Cody wanted to ride the boys bike and the boy wouldn't let him. I think Cody hit him.
To be indicated means that it will be on mine and Ron's record for five years. This means that they better not have anymore calls about Cody not being supervised. Thats the way I took it unless I misunderstood. We can't trust the neighbor to not call if she already told them that he was on his bike 3 times after the investigation.
I told Ron, " I wonder what they will think in five years and Cody is sixteen and they see him driving down the road." LOL!
Hugs,
Kristi

[MB]

Cody not being supervised is who's call? This is why you need an attorney. If the neighbor's 10-year-old or any ten-year-old is outside without an adult, then DCFS should investigate. If DCFS dictates to you that a ten-year-old cannot be outside alone, then DCFS should cough up the funds for an aide 20 hours per week.

If I was your attorney, the first thing I would ask the social worker is how many hours of college credit she has specifically in behavior issues relating to DS. What your son is doing is perfectly normal for a 10-year-old with Ds. It sounds as if the social worker is incompetent.

Do you have other issues with these neighbors? Have you been in yelling matches or have had to trade insults? It seems they have a vendetta.

And, the chain saw and gasoline in an open garage is an "attractive nuisance." Attractive nuisance is a legal term. It is used against homeowners who do not properly fence-in swimming pools or trampolines for example.

A homeowner has a responsibility to keep harmful "attractive nuisances" away from children. I think a chain saw would come under that category.

Right now the neighbors have a whip in their hands which they are cracking and saying, "dance." Get the whip out of their hands. An attorney would be a perfect person to threaten them with a lawsuit should your son be lured onto their property by an attractive nuisance.

There is also a civil rights issue here for your son. At age 10, he should be allowed the freedom to be on a public sidewalk. He has come to no harm when out and about so DCFS has no basis upon which to cite you and your husband. An attorney may be able to have your record wiped clean.

Let your neighbors know, in a nice way, that if the whole situation is not resolved quickly, you will be reading every subdivision covenant, city ordinance and state law. You will spend the rest of your life watching for the slightest misstep and report it. Tell them that the clock is ticking for anyone in their family who speeds in front of your house, rolls through a stop sign, heaven help them if one of their kids hosts a party where alcohol is consumed or the music is turned up.

If they decide to place as much as a "welcome home" sign in their yard, you will make sure to complain.

If one of their kids sneaks the car out before they have a license, you will be on the phone to the police so fast their heads will spin. In short, they cannot make the simplest mistake without you using it against them.

Then, say that this is no way for either one of your families to live. Both families are going to make mistakes. Yours come early with the Ds. Theirs will come with the teenage years. Do they really want to lie in wait for one of their kids to be charged with malicious vandalism because you followed them around on Halloween and videotaped them with a dozen eggs?

I guarantee that one day your neighbor's kids are going to be in need of a break. If the neighborhood sees them as holier than thou, then mercy will be denied.

Good luck.

mb

[andrewsmom]

WOW MB!!! You go! I could sure use you on my side! I love it!!! You must be an attorney, and if you're not...why not?? You could make a fortune!!! LOL!! I'd hire you in a heartbeat!
-Trisha

[ALLISA]

Kristi, first I am so sorry to hear that you have to go through this.....I can't imagine the stress it must bring on you & your family.

Second, I have to disagree with MB (yes I am shocked, too)....I usually LOVE your advice.....but to me.....it seems like creating a WAR ZONE in a neigbor hood.....I guess your reply would be that THEY created the zone already.....but now it is a power struggle of who is going to spy the quickest & be the first to report who to the police. It seems petty & frankly I wouldn't have the time nor the energy to muster a battle like that.

I am SHOCKED and saddened to hear that your neigbors called the police....did they not confront you first ? Was there no conversation at all ? Just a call to the police ?

And I could be way off base again....but I think tools in my own personal garage are NOT an attractive nuisance.....yes they are if I left them out on my front lawn unattended....but not IN my garage....I think blaming the neigbors for that is very wrong and will make you look like you belive Cody should be able to go anywhere at anytime & it had better be child-proofed !!


Jessie...you said "it is 2005 we don't lock kids with disabilites up"....of course they should be out & about...BUT at the same time.....rules still apply....it isn't okay to keep going to a neigbors house .....and kids need help from the supervising parent to know and RESPECT that.

now......I will take a HUGE gulp and fear being yelled at......

but I do think that DCS has to handle a complaint that involves a child with special needs in a different manner than they would a typical child. PLEASE understand Kristi that I don't think you did anything at all wrong....but I think that by cooperating and keeping a cool head, they will see the situation for what it is......not a safety issue, not a neglect issue.....these neigbors were simply annoyed by your son ( again sorry if I offend with that statement) but I do believe that is the real reason for the phone call.

I would feel saddendd that Cody lost a friend and you all lost the "nice negibor" feeling.....but Cody doesn't have to be improsined in his house.....he can still ride....he just needs someone watching him....but I imagine that if you sent him to school, or camp, or the beach you'd expect an adult to be somewhere supervising.

I don't think you have to jog alongside him.....but if the neigbor is foolish enough to call police because you are 20 feet away while he rides his bike.....then I think the police (and DCS) will see how unreasonable they are....NOT YOU !!)

Your post brings up a very good question that I was in the process of pondering myself....and was going to start a new thread here......at the risk of "taking over your thread"......I'll ask it......

I have a neigbor (single mom with 2 boys)....one has special needs...can't remeber the "syndrome" at the moment....but he has a definitve diagnosis and does not attend public school.....he goes to a private school about 15-20 miles away.

He is outside all the time unsupervised and I feel like he needs a heck of a lot more attention than he is getting. My boys do play with him, but some days.....we can't and he rings the bell every 2 minutes, won't go home even when I explain nicely to him that they are doing homework/ eating/ not home !!

I feel like I am being as supportive & understanding as I can be....I, too am a single mom & have a child with special needs....but I DON'T let her our without me....I don;t let her ring neigbors bells....or be in their yard withour permission. It is VERY hard to be out with her at all times....but unless I fence in my yard....that is my reality.

If her son has such significant needs that the town cannot meet them & prefer instead to send him to a private school , then shouldn't it stand to reason that he NEEDS some supervision outside ?


Part of me thinks that maybe I'm just being grumpy & tired.....and maybe I am....but don't I have the right as a single mom with 3 kids, working full time and trying to maintain my house...to have some peace and not have to supervise her child (when I can barely handle my own!)

I WOULD NEVER call police or DCS or anyone unless there was a TRUE danger. But I do feel like she shouldn't leave him outside on his own like that.

What are thoughts ? At what age did you all start to leave your kids outside alone ? How do you be certain that they stay in the "boundaries" ?

Sorry Kristi....if I stole your post......I wish you the best of luck.....I do feel that if the case is investigated more...then your neigbors "true colors" will be revealed......I know you said in your subject line that you "hated to tell".....but I'm glad you came here to Uno and trusted us all with it !!

[Jessie]

You bring a very valid argument to the table, Allisa. You are seeing the circumstances from both points of view being that you have a neighbor whose child is maybe not being supervised at all times. (I'm not insinuating that is the case with Kristi's Cody)

I think the whole issue of when/where/how much freedom we give our kids is such a tough call and it's probably going to be as individualized as each of our kids are. Jason is 12 and we know we can't leave him outside by himself for too long. Just this summer we have felt comfortable enough to come in the house for a few minutes while he is outside playing. Trust me though, our eye is constantly looking out the window to make sure he hasn't taken off! And, it's usually no longer than 5 or 10 minutes. As he matures in this area, we will extend his freedom more, but we are definitely not there yet!

With that said, when he has cousins over at the house, we tend to be a little more lax with that because there is someone that is going to tell us if he were to run off (which, chances are he won't because he's busy playing). So, with Kristi's situation, Cody does have siblings that ride bikes together . . . so isn't it ok for him to be out in the neighborhood with them without an adult 100% of the time?

As far as the chainsaw thing, I agree that all kids need to learn to not do something like that, learn boundaries, respect, etc., but things happen and we all have to learn from our mistakes. I don't think that's anything to snitch to DCFS about.

And, back to Kristi's issue with the school . . . I guess I'm not understanding why Kristi is being blamed/held accountable for something that happened at school. How can you control something when you weren't even there?

I'm glad you felt you could bring this topic out in the open, Kristi. It is such a valid and real issue that parents can face, especially when their children are wanderers. Trust me, last summer when Jason arrived back at home in the back of a police car, we were scared to death that they were going to look at us like we were bad parents and then watch us like hawks. It's especially unnerving when your child can't verbalize what the truth is and shed some light on the issue . . . like what they were doing, where they were going, etc.


Jessie