OK, how do you feel about the word retarded....

[laurasnowbird]

when it's used appropriately?

I've been thinking about this one for awhile, and I have to be honest and say I just HATE, HATE, HATE that word applied to Ethan. (Geez, Laura, now tell us how you really feel, right? LOL!)

One of my husband's cousins, an educated woman, with a masters in social work, has used the word a couple of times when speaking TO ME about Ethan. It is all I can do to continue to be civil each time she does it. My mom has used it once or twice too, although she means to be complimentary. When Ethan does something that blows her away, she'll say "Geez Laura, are you sure he's retarded?" CRINGE!!! She is trying to be complimentary, I think, but Blaaaaah!

So, how do you guys feel about it? I DO want the word used appropriately, by the larger population. It doesn't bother me AS MUCH to hear it used appropriately by folks outside my family, but it really bothers me to hear a family member refer to him as mentally retarded. Is that weird or what?

I think it is because those words are associated in my mind with the people with disabilities of decades and decades ago, when people with disabilities were institutionalized and little or nothing was done to help them learn. Maybe that's just my problem, but I'm wondering if it bothers anyone else?

[Jackie]

Laura...somehow for me...the words Mentally Retarded don't make me cringe as much as just "retarded" does.

I think for many of us the inappropriate use of the word "retarded" is permanently etched in our brains.

I often use the term developmentally delayed or developmentally disabled which may or many not be a correct term....but it gets the picture across in a more subtle way.

Jackie

[hidyperson]

I'm just being a brat here, but I remember years ago when a friend was talking about her room-mate ( a man with CP and the R word ) she kept describing him as ' developmentally delayed' . Eventually I HAD to quietly say, " he's 54, he's not delayed, he's who he is right ? "

She blinked at me a few times and I said , " it's the new catch phrase ?"

"Yup. And you're right, he's not going to change. d**n, and I'm going to have to keep using that phrase at work until there's a new one. Thanks a lot Mr. Smartie Pants."

[laurasnowbird]

Hi hidyperson!

I'm not sure I really understood what you meant in your post. I understood that at 54 that you feel developmentally delayed doesn't apply, but what term do you feel is more appropriate?

[wrblack]

When used appropriately and respectfully, the phrase "mentally retarded" doesn't bother me. I sometimes use it myself, believe it's still a correct, accepted, and acceptable concept.
However, there are some self advocates who don't like the phrase. But they haven't agreed yet on what would be a good replacement, maybe cognitive impairment or intellectual deficit or something along those lines. When they or anybody else comes up with a good replacement and one that still communicates the concept and the idea well, then I would be glad to listen to them and improve my vocabulary.
As far as the slang slurs derived from "mentally retarded," those words, like retard and tard, and the people who use them are truly beneath contempt! Truly! People who do not, maybe cannot, appreciate, value, and respect their fellow human beings who are a bit different, impaired, limited, challenged, I think those people lose a good chunk of their own humanity, think they are the ones who should crawl back under a rock with the other slimy, nasty creatures.
JMHO, Bob

[hidyperson]

Well to be honest, I don't think anyone born with a disabilty is 'developmentally delayed' . I have on both hands, not-so- developed thumbs ( no tendons for bending them, and very little pad ) I'd say they are underdeveloped, ( and that is not my suggeseted phrase, just a description ) but certainly not 'delayed' my paws are what they are, despite their appearance of being not quite finished.
We're not talking about catching up. Delayed implies getting somewhere you're not going. I'm not going to grow stronger thumbs.

Okay, I'll back up and be straight - what's not to understand in my post ? I've always found the phrase silly. I think that ' developmentally delayed' isn't an accurate description. It's been dropped since then as well. I'll use developmentally disabled or person with a developmental disablity, intellectual disability, person with down syndrome.

[jnyhuis]

Personally, it is not acceptable. I have worked in Education for the past 20+ years and the word just rubs me wrong. Developmentally delayed, special needs or handicapped seem to be more acceptable in today's world. Using the R word applies to other things, but NOT OUR CHILDREN!

[Gina]

I have a major problem with the word as well. But with time, I have overcome my hurt and anger when someone says it. I just chalk it up to ignorance. If someone says "that's retarded" or "I am so retarded", it doesn't bother me. It is just an expression and I don't think the person really thinks about what they are saying. Now, if someone says that my daughter is retarded, yes I have a major problem with that. I have said this before, but I have a problem with "labels" of any kind.
Laura, I do agree, when a family member makes reference to the word retarded, it is very hurtful. When Ashton was first born, I was at my grandma's house and she had some friends over. She was holding Ashton and as I walked out of the room into the kitchen, she said to her friends "Gina's baby is retarded". It still hurts me to this day. But with time, I have realized that my family members that do not accept Ashton as a little girl, just like other little girls, are missing out. The family members that have embraced her in their lives and in their hearts, have all expressed how much she has brought to their lives.
My daughter that is 14, really struggles with this term the most. She is a quiet girl, but when it comes to this subject, she is quite outspoken. She has done many papers, speeches in her classes to try to educate her friends.
I could go on and on about his subject. I agree, that it hurts me the most when a family member makes reference. I think that family members should be more informed and more sensitive than other people, but unfortunately, that isn't always the case.

[kristin]

I agree that the word strikes a chord when used about our children.

I have often wondered, "If a person has less capacity to do something than other people (like some of our kids with DS), yet they accomplish many of the same things as typical people, how can they possibly be considered 'retarded'?" In my opinion, if there is a disability which makes it harder to learn to read, for example, yet many of our children DO learn to read, wouldn't they then be better categorized as "gifted"? For accomplishing something (and sometimes very well) that it seems they might have much less of a capacity to do?

I don't know if that makes sense, but it might be like if a runner with a prosthetic limb won a marathon, and people wanted to categorize them as "handicapped"... seems to me its the other runners that might be "hanicapped", if they were beaten by the runner with the prosthesis...

So, yes, I have a problem with that word, when used flippantly and as a label and way to categorize our kids.

[Cbean]

I hate this word as it has been totally misused and doesn't mean what it really means anymore. Unfortunately, words like "challenged" and "handicapped" don't sound any better. Let's face it the world ain't perfect. We need to educate when we can and accept it for what it is.

[Jackie]

Hidyperson...I understand what you are saying but I want to interject something here into this discussion. I don't know if its true about every person with DS...but our daughter at 25 is STILL learning and maturing...and her development has paralleled that of people without DS. In some areas you are right...she is like your thumb muscles...she will probably never improve...but in many areas she is still developing. I am always amazed that when we think she has reached a peak...she moves on to another level. I hear this often too from parents of young adults with DS. So in this instance I do think you could call it delayed.

Personally I wish if we have to LABEL our kids...we could just say they have down syndrome and just leave it at that.


Jackie mom to Emily 25
Jackie

[Jessie]

I guess if I heard someone refer to Jason as retarded I would take pause and have to quickly consider the person it's coming from and the context in which they said the word. I don't think the word in and of itself is bad. It has a meaning and that meaning does accurately describe Jason's cognitive level . . . what it is now and what it will be in the future.

Here is Webster's definition:

1 : to slow up especially by preventing or hindering advance or accomplishment : IMPEDE
2 : to delay academic progress by failure to promote
intransitive senses : to undergo retardation
synonym see DELAY

I don't think that even when someone says "I'm so retarded" or "that's retarded" that it is really an incorrect statement. Depending on what they are talking about, they could be using the word as it is defined.

I dislike the word when it is used as a NAME to call someone. That's when it is insulting because they are then meaning to abuse the word's true meaning and insinuating that people who are truly mentally retarded can be used as a joke or punchline.

JMHO.

Jessie

[hidyperson]

Emily - I agree and understand what you're saying. I tend to take developmentally delayed to mean " they'll be just like you and me in 165 years" which is nonsense. Given that hopefully we're all still learning, maybe we can all be delayed. ( he say's playfully )

[Chris]

Laura,

I also hate the word "retard". I don't like mentally retarded but I am not offended by it when used respectfully. I prefer cognitive impairment because I feel it more acurately describes my daughter.

I guess what bothers me most is that people don't realize just how smart our kids can be. Sarah is very aware of everything in her environment and is much more observant than many typical kids (and adults!). She constantly amazes me with her knowledge. She just has a harder time conveying what she knows. I am also sure that she knows far more than we can imagine.

Jackie,

Thank you for reminding us that our kids, as well as ourselves, can continue developing even as adults! I would hate to think that I have reached my peak and won't continue to grow intellectually, spiritually and emotionally.

Chris

[andrewsmom]

ok, I will be as honest as I can be here. When Andrew was first born my DH and I went to a seminar on DS (Andrew was 2 weeks old but we wanted to learn everything we could). At the seminar, using different terms and generalizations was THE big topic. We were told by about 50% of the people in the room, not to say "these kids" or "those children" "down syndrome people tend to..." or "retarded".
Well... we left there and I was almost in tears. I remember telling my husband that I didn't think I would ever belong to ANY DS groups, go to any more seminars, or have anything to do with the DS community. I felt this way because I was thinking "geez, what if I screw up and say something I shouldn't? Am I going to be "shunned"? I have 2 older boys at home whose friends come over and call each other "tards" all the time. I have to change everything just to "fit-in".

Ofcourse over time, I started to get upset when people would say, "ohh THEIR such happy people". I felt like saying "Yeah?? Why don't you come over tonight around 1am and see just how "happy" he is. Or better yet, come over when I'm feeding him and because I'm not going fast enough, he swats the food all over the floor. Happy??? hmmph. I don't think so.

I also started to get really tense when the "r" word was used. My boys took it upon themselves to read and learn everything they could about DS. Soon (without me saying anything to them) they had stopped using the "r" word, and were telling their friends not to use it as well. (note to self...give boys big hugs and kisses when they get home from school).

In all my ramblings here, what I'm trying to say is that unless you walk in our shoes (or similar shoes) people just have no idea how hurtful words can be. It's kind of like making a blond joke. Are they funny to people with blond hair? I don't know.

I don't think people (well, most people) intentionally use this or other words or phrases to be hurtful. They just don't know any better. hmmmm...by the dictionary definition Jessie put up there....aren't "these people" retarded?

-Trisha

By the way, I think it is good to try to educate as many people as we can, as long as it's not done in an over- powering way...kwim?