|
Post by Claire on Dec 9, 2006 0:03:41 GMT -5
How To Avoid The FLU !!! >>>> >>>> >>>>Eat right! >>>> >>>>Make sure you get your daily dose of >>>>fruits and veggies. >>>> >>>> >>>>Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. >>>> >>>> >>>>Get plenty of exercise because >>>>exercise helps build your immune system. >>>> >>>> >>>>Walk for at least an hour a day, >>>> >>>> >>>>go for a swim, >>>> >>>> >>>>take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. >>>> >>>> >>>>Wash your hands often. >>>>If you can't wash them, >>>>keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. >>>> >>>> >>>>Get lots of fresh air. >>>>Open doors & windows whenever possible. >>>> >>>> >>>>Try to eliminate as much stress >>>>from your life as you can. >>>> >>>> >>>>Get plenty of rest. >>>>OR >>>> >>>>Take the doctor's approach. >>>>Think about it... >>>>When you go for a shot, >>>>what do they do first? >>>>They Clean your arm with alcohol... >>>>Why? >>>>Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS. >>>>So....... >>>> >>>>I walk to the liquor store. (exercise) >>>>I put lime in my Corona...(fruit) >>>>Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies) >>>>Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air) >>>>Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress) >>>>Then pass out. (rest) >>>>The way I see it... >>>> >>>>If you keep your alcohol levels up, >>>>flu germs can't get you! >>>> >>>>My grandmother always said, >>>>"A shot in the glass >>>>is better than one in the ass!" >>>> >>>>Live Well - Laugh Often - Love Much ;D >>>> >>>> >>>>
|
|
|
Post by Claire on Nov 17, 2006 0:26:40 GMT -5
Inner Strength ============== If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can get going without pep pills, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong. If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him, If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, Then you are probably The Family Dog!
|
|
|
Post by Claire on Nov 17, 2006 0:21:31 GMT -5
Wow! That is really freaky. Thanks for sharing Jeff.
|
|
|
Post by Claire on Oct 20, 2006 20:49:16 GMT -5
Why, Why, Why ?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
|
|
|
Post by Claire on Oct 14, 2006 20:51:15 GMT -5
I love the Ricola one, gotta remember that one for our next pet. ;D We have Faryn and Golden Retriever named after her mother at the National Service Dogs Association. Solomon our cat is all black and huge and spooky looking, he also got his name form the Humane Society when we adopted him. Our daughter (10) had a hamster named Serenity, she now has a long ear bunny named Buster and a newt named Napoleon. Don't know why she got the names. Just thought I'd join in. ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by Claire on Aug 29, 2006 23:01:33 GMT -5
That is sooo funny, ;D you really had me going. Good one. Hope you don't mind I copied and pasted it for my 2 sisters with big breast. ;D ;D I was the only one of the 3 sisters born flat, and they've joked about it all my life. Pay back is always fun. ;D ;D ;D But mine wouldn't be able to reach my armpits. ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by Claire on Aug 23, 2006 23:32:16 GMT -5
SENIOR DRESS CODE Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to Conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and bald spots 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirts and support hose 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 6. Speedo's and cellulite 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. Inline skates and a walker And last, but not least 13. Thongs and Depends
|
|
|
Post by Claire on Aug 22, 2006 23:35:05 GMT -5
This is Excellent! Wish I could send it to the entire world! So, the best place to start is here. 1. The best way to get even is to forget... 2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death... 3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts... 4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight... 5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth.... 6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, Then perhaps giving "advice" to God, isn't such a good idea! 7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up... 8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down by the traffic from both ways. 9. Words are windows to the heart. 10. A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it's a forgery. 11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill, just add a little dirt. 12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person; it's being the right person. 13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground. 14. Too many people offer God prayers with claw marks all over them. 15. The tongue must be heavy, indeed because so few people can hold it. 16. To forgive is to set the prisoner free and then discover the prisoner was you. 17. You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive! 18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done. 19. You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck... 20. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher. You are richer today if you have laughed, given, or forgiven
|
|
|
Post by Claire on Aug 22, 2006 23:38:04 GMT -5
So sorry, I would be too. If you can ever trust them again I would ask for my money back or for them to fix the problem.
|
|
|
Post by Claire on Oct 14, 2006 20:42:40 GMT -5
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by Claire on Aug 1, 2006 23:55:25 GMT -5
Another Goody For The Oldtimers
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?
|
|
|
Post by Claire on Jul 31, 2006 22:27:17 GMT -5
A middle-aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro.
He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said,
"Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
|
|
|
Post by Claire on Jul 31, 2006 22:24:17 GMT -5
Good one I loved it. ;D ;D ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by Claire on Jul 25, 2006 20:57:52 GMT -5
I don't know how to play but if they teach you on the site I'm in. Maybe thats why I always lost at strip poker. ;D ;D Just joking. ;D
|
|
|
P.A.T.
Jul 14, 2006 2:05:12 GMT -5
Post by Claire on Jul 14, 2006 2:05:12 GMT -5
Worth the reading and thanks for sharing. ;D ;D ;D Still laughing my head off. ;D ;D
|
|