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Post by kimclmnt on Jul 5, 2004 19:47:14 GMT -5
My husband and I have been married for 3 years and we have Elisabeth, DS, our 2 year old together and I have 2 more girls that think he is their daddy. He has been in the picture since my 3 year old was 2 weeks old and my 5 year old was 2. We are now expecting another baby. This time it is a boy!!! He was such a great daddy to the 2 older girls when they were littler, 2 years ago when Elisabeth was born everything changed. He is not supportive, he doesn't attend therapy done in our home, he may play with them some but not much. He never watches them while I go anywhere not even to buy groceries. I have been telling myself that I need him to be there for us more but just I hold it in and go on. Everyone thinks our marriage is perfect! When I found out I was expecting again he flipped out. He is the one that is insisting I have an amnio done. They couldn't do it and when he found that out he won't have anything to do with me. He has not attended any appt. or sonograms with me either. He woke up Friday morning and told me he wants a divorce. I am a stay at home mom with 3 kids and another one on the way in 4 months. How am I suppose to hold it all together? I am just curious if having a DS baby has put a strain on anyone else's marriage? It really has mine. I would not change having her at all but my husband would. I hope this all makes since, but when you let emotions take over it is hard to get everything out. I just needed to vent somewhere.
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Post by christie on Jul 5, 2004 20:48:22 GMT -5
Vent away girl, sounds like you have lots on your plate and this is just the place to let it all hang out. Don't know where you live BUT is there any chance your area has just a "Dad's" group your hubby could attend. When Chris was born there use to be a group just for the Dad's and Colin actually LOVED going and meeting other Dad's Kind of a SAFE Place for them to say what ever it was they were feeling
If you don't have that kind of group, any chance there are some other Dad's in your area that have a child with a disability that he could talk with??
I have read and I do believe YES having a child with a disability can make or break a marriage but then again sooo many other things can too
Many prayers and positive thougths going out to you and remember its not you its him with the problem. HUGS to you.
Take care of yourself and CONGRATULATIONS on your soon to be NEW bundle of Joy ;D
CC
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Post by jordansmom on Jul 5, 2004 20:51:54 GMT -5
Hey Kim,
My heart goes out to you in your situation. I have searched high and low through out my life looking for words to heal the pain of circumstances. For me, the comfort comes from knowing that we are not ever alone. It may seem that we are overlooked from the graces that He gives us, but it all comes in time. I don't know what kind of marriage you have on a day to day basis before this situation arose but I have been where you are at now. It is pleasant but it will not stay this way forever. Time changes a lot of things and in ways that we did not think possible or expect. I am wishing you all of the best, even with the raging hormones. I know that you love your husband but this is your baby, your child, too. Don't let him make you do things that you don't want to do.
I will be thinking of you and praying for your situation. You are not alone and I am only an email away....
Hugs, Angie angwriter@yahoo.com
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Post by Robin on Jul 5, 2004 20:58:51 GMT -5
Oh Kim, I am sooo sorry you are going thru such a terrible terrible time right now!!!!!! I know Chase having DS did put a terrible strain on our marriage for a while too but we managed to make it thru. Would your DH go for counseling??? I firmly believe in it helping if he really wants to try. Having another baby once he knows it is ok will be a great plus I hope. My heart is aching for you and I know we are all here for you if there is anything we can do. Be strong and I will keep you and him in my prayers Kim {{{HUGS}}} Robin
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Post by kimclmnt on Jul 5, 2004 21:24:04 GMT -5
No there is no support groups around us. There is one 1 1/2 hours away but if I go I go alone. Don't go much! My dh does not believe in counseling, talking about it , and he doesn't have many friends. On top of all that he is an RN and thinks he knows alot about DS but won't deal with it. I do agree with you, you don't know what you have until you loose it. He isn't coming home tonight and I really think we both have lost it. Thanks for the support just keep us all in your prayers expecially the innocent 4 kids involved!
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Post by meghans_mom on Jul 5, 2004 21:35:31 GMT -5
Kim - I just wanted to let you know prayers and hugs are headed your way...for all of you! laurie
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Post by Emilysmom on Jul 5, 2004 21:50:04 GMT -5
Wow Kim......the only thing I know to say is that I'm so so sorry it's so hard right now. I wish your husband would agree to go to counseling. It could really help! I know it is sometimes really hard for people to accept the diagnosis of Ds, and it takes some longer than others. Maybe he just needs a bit more time. I'm going to pray that he will change his way of thinking....and FAST for your sake, and for the sake of the children. Please feel free to vent ANYTIME. Susan
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Post by MaggiesMom on Jul 5, 2004 22:18:42 GMT -5
Dear Kim, I'm really sorry that this has come at this time in your life. I will be praying for you, your husband, and your children. I have not been exactly in your shoes, but I have been through a divorce and all the heartache that goes with it. The best advice I can give you...is take care of yourself and your children. Keep busy taking care of the normal things in life and keep life as normal as possible for everyone. Whatever you do, don't talk badly about the "other guy" in front of your kids. It will come back to bite you!!!! It's my personal opinion that if your husband wants to be married to you, he will make an honest effort to support you and all your children. He should do whatever it takes to make things right, as I'm sure you'll do your part as well. If not, you're better off finding out now, than 5 years down the road. I have little tolerence for men who don't honor thier wives and are looking for an excuse to get out of a marriage. But, that's just me. If your involved in a church, find out if they have a divorce class and support group. Start attending now. You'll need it! If you are not in a church, find some sort of support group that can help you. We'll listen to all the venting you want to throw at us. We're good at dishing it out too! Take care. I'll be praying for you! Robin M - Maggie's mom
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Post by Claire on Jul 5, 2004 23:22:11 GMT -5
I'm sending hugs your way. I agree that maybe therapy would help you and your hubby work this out. My husband was very supportive, we knew before Adam was born and we made the decision together. But even though he had made the decision also, it was hard for him to bond with Ada. Adam now 6 daddy wouldn't go anywhere without his little man. Sometimes it is very scary to think about the future and cope with it at the same time. I would suggest he go see a counsellor. Hang in there we are all here for you. Hugs Claire
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Post by Deannalee on Jul 5, 2004 23:33:59 GMT -5
This is a great place to vent all of your concerns. The people here are wonderful and very supportive. I had split up from my BF several years ago and became a true "single mom" to 2 children. I did meet someone else and that was going well until I realized he wasn't the right person for me. After we split up, I found out I was pregnant with my third child. I began raising 3 children on my own. When he was about to turn 2, my older children's father said he had changed and wanted to be a father and husband. He also said that he was going to church now. I let him move back in with us and 6 mos later I found out I was pregnant. After I told him, he started getting physically and verbally abusive again. He also started to leave the abortion pages open for me to find. I finally got him out of my home...again...and got a restraining order.
At that time I found out I was carrying twins. I was scared to death. I knew if he found out, he would kill me. He had already threatened my life if I did not abort this pregnancy. At about 14 weeks, I found out they were monoamniotic which only carried a 50/50 chance of survival. Then at 16 weeks I found out my AFP was 1:16 chance for DS. At 20 weeks I found out that Jordan had developed hydrops and would probably not live. I was so focused on my babies and other children, that all the stress with their father took a very back seat. I had to bear all of this devastating news alone.
At 29 weeks, Justin went into distress and I had a crash C/S. I always told the OB that I wanted both boys. I did not want to lose either of them. Jordan passed away at 13 days old in my arms due to complications of hydrops. I had to bury my precious little boy without that jerk even batting an eye. He could care less.
Justin is now 17 months old and he has almost nothing to do with him. His own family never even asked how the twins were after they were born. Now Justin has been here for almost 1 1/2 years and only his father on that side of the family has seen him. I don't know if it is because of the DS or not. I could care less what there reasons are for not caring. God knows that my whole family adored both of them, DS or no DS.
I know this is long, but I wanted to share my experience. If your relationship is that strained and he doesn't want to go to counseling, you might be better off being apart for a while. That way you can have time to evaluate the whole relationship and see if it is worth staying together or not. I opted for the latter for my health and safety as well as for my children's. They did not need to see him verbally and physically abusing me. I don't want them to grow up thinking that is what "love" is about.
Look inside your heart to find your answer. No one can tell you what is right or wrong for you. BUT, we can all be here as support for you whatever your decision may be. I wish you the very best and I hope you come back and let us know how you all are doing. God Bless.
Deanna
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Post by kimclmnt on Jul 6, 2004 2:22:46 GMT -5
Well, it all happened, He finally turned on his cell phone after dropping off his girlfriend. I locked all doors, knowing I was so upset that I would have no control. He called the Sheriff and they came out. He took a bag of clothes and all the important papers. I am going first thing in the morning to file for divorce. Of course my girls where right there in the middle. They thought I was going to jail. He is so DUMB! He can't deal with the family and all that comes with Elisabeth so he ran to another womens arms. I found an email from him to her. I too have been divorced this is my second time around. I know all the pain my kids and myself is fixing to go thru. I really hate this for my kids. When he left he never said bye to the kids and our 3 year old was crying for her daddy! How sad. Better go for now and see if I can get some sleep, yeah right.
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Post by rickismom on Jul 6, 2004 2:40:10 GMT -5
Dear Kim, My heart goes out to you and I am sending you a private message. To all who are reading, for the record: Having a child with DS can strain a marriage- but a good marriage will almost always end up better. If the marriage is shahey, it can go either way.
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Post by Chris on Jul 6, 2004 18:10:15 GMT -5
Kim, Hugs to you and your kids! I have to agree with rickismom. Having a child with Ds can strain a marriage but it will only break a marriage that already had some major weaknesses. Having Sarah has just made my marriage stronger, more bonded. Many times just having another typical child will break a marriage. I hate that many people blame the child with Ds for the breakup of their marriage. I think the child is often used as a scapegoat. Kim, I just want you to know that I am completely sympathetic to your situation. My first husband decided he didn't want to be married to me when I was seven months pregnant. He said he didn't find me attractive anymore. What a sleezy slimeball he is! This was a baby that we wanted and went through surgery and infertility treatments to have. The baby is now 14 years old and I still get angry when I think about it. I wish I could help you. All I can say is that I have been through the most horrible divorce imaginable. When we divorced he decided to try to get custody (to hurt me). My daughter went through hell BUT my life is so much better and my daughter is better off, too. I now have a husband who LOVES me and I am grateful that my daughter sees me being treated with love and respect by my husband. When you mentioned your husband had a girlfriend it told me so much about his character. He is not worthy to be your children's father. Chris
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Post by shellk on Jul 6, 2004 19:22:22 GMT -5
:oKim, I sit here with my jaw hanging open after reading everything..I know that saying I am sorry that you are going thru this is not what you want to hear..All, I can say is that my dh and I have been thru some REAL CRAP !! And my oldest daughter he dad was a sorry excuse for a father..If you have been thru this before you know where you are headed....I say you have a child with him and one on they way...TAKE HIM TO THE CLEANERS...I left my first house and lived with others for 4 years till I could get one my feet with one child....HECK NO, I have told my dh if he ever decided he can't cope here to let me know and I would change the locks and he could sleep in his truck.. Girl, don't let them take a thing from you, you are a stay at home mom get him for child support, alimony, the house , the car...anything you can. And even though my oldest daughter now has a relationship with her father let me say that she will be 12 tomorrow and that relationship didn't get underway till she was 9 almost 10...He said he realized he was a donkey (you now what I mean) and decided he wanted to be a dad...She call the shot with him and will tell him she doesn't have time to see him. Or let's him know when she wants to. I will send you every ounce of positive energy that I can muster up ....Never feel like you are alone all of us here may not be on the phone, or on your front porch but we are here..I will be thinking of you Take care, Michele Sorry I ranted and raved....It really gets my goat that a man can walk away like he was never even there ....We have to be the only species in the world with a heart..The women that is...How thoughtless and spineless of him....I would tell him the only thing he should be proud of is the dang yellow stripe right down the center of his belly....
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Post by Chris on Jul 6, 2004 22:04:51 GMT -5
Michele~I couldn't have said it better myself!
Kim~Michele is correct. It is better to be proactive and protect yourself and your kids. I know you are hurting but you need to see an attorney so you will know what to do in case you want a divorce. I don't know you or your situation but it sounds like he has done some unforgivable things.
An attorney can make sure he supports you and your children. Unfortunately, he isn't liable for his step-children unless he adopted them. DO NOT leave the house. He needs to be the one who leaves.
There are many of us that have been through similar situations as you. We understand your pain and anger. If you need any help or just a shoulder to cry on, let us know. We are only a phone call away.
Chris
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