Post by TriciaF on Jun 2, 2005 10:59:14 GMT -5
You know...this is hard for everyone (myself included) in our competitive society. Everyone spends so much time comparing themselves to others.....instead of only trying to be the best they can be. And then beating themselves up if they don't measure up. Most of us vacillate between the two. We know intellectually that comparisons don't mean we are less than, but occasionally our minds wander down those paths and we have to jolt ourselves back to reality.
Throughout my life, when I find myself in that mode, I always think of the line in Desiderata; If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
The other thing I think of in relation to comparing children is a takeoff on the advice of a local psychologist related to parenting; Parents should not judge their parenting skills by their child's behavior. Just change that to their child's development. ;D
I think that comparisons are human nature and can serve a useful purpose. They can lead you to explore options to help correct deficits, they can lead you to face multiple diagnosis if that is the underlying issue (like in Ds and autism or Ds and ADD or Ds and anything else lol), they can help you ask for advice or training from people with knowledge you don't have, they can make you feel relieved that things are progressing typically when maybe you didn't think they were.
You just have to come to terms with the times that the darker side of comparisons might bite you in the butt...and cut that train of thought off before it digs in deep. I remember an interview with Christopher Reeves where he talked about letting himself really get down deep into self pity and loathing and the darkest part of his situation. He said that of course he had those times..and that the way he dealt with it was to acknowledge it and give himself 10 to 15 minutes a day to wallow in it and then that was it....no more.
So also like Desiderata.....can you tell I love it...., I try to be gentle with myself and forgive myself for the less attractive parts of my human nature. Own it....explore it...and then try to rise above it.
For anyone who never read Desiderata (Latin for "things to be desired") here is the text:
Desiderata
-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --
Not "Found in Old St. Paul's Church"! --
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Throughout my life, when I find myself in that mode, I always think of the line in Desiderata; If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
The other thing I think of in relation to comparing children is a takeoff on the advice of a local psychologist related to parenting; Parents should not judge their parenting skills by their child's behavior. Just change that to their child's development. ;D
I think that comparisons are human nature and can serve a useful purpose. They can lead you to explore options to help correct deficits, they can lead you to face multiple diagnosis if that is the underlying issue (like in Ds and autism or Ds and ADD or Ds and anything else lol), they can help you ask for advice or training from people with knowledge you don't have, they can make you feel relieved that things are progressing typically when maybe you didn't think they were.
You just have to come to terms with the times that the darker side of comparisons might bite you in the butt...and cut that train of thought off before it digs in deep. I remember an interview with Christopher Reeves where he talked about letting himself really get down deep into self pity and loathing and the darkest part of his situation. He said that of course he had those times..and that the way he dealt with it was to acknowledge it and give himself 10 to 15 minutes a day to wallow in it and then that was it....no more.
So also like Desiderata.....can you tell I love it...., I try to be gentle with myself and forgive myself for the less attractive parts of my human nature. Own it....explore it...and then try to rise above it.
For anyone who never read Desiderata (Latin for "things to be desired") here is the text:
Desiderata
-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --
Not "Found in Old St. Paul's Church"! --
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.